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by Sarah Annie Frost

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Title: Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society
       A condensed but thorough treatise on etiquette and its usages
       in America, containing plain and reliable directions for
       deportment in every situation in life.

Author: Sarah Annie Frost

Release Date: July, 2005 [EBook #8467]
[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
[This file was first posted on July 14, 2003]

Edition: 10

Language: English

Character set encoding: ASCII

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROST'S LAWS ***




Produced by Holly Ingraham.




FROST'S LAWS AND BY-LAWS
OF AMERICAN SOCIETY

A CONDENSED BUT THOROUGH TREATISE ON
ETIQUETTE AND ITS USAGES IN AMERICA,
CONTAINING PLAIN AND RELIABLE DIRECTIONS FOR
DEPORTMENT IN EVERY SITUATION IN LIFE
ON THE FOLLOWING SUBJECTS:

Letters of Introduction,
Salutes and Salutations
Calls,
Conversation,
Invitations,
Dinner Company,
Balls,
Morning and Evening Parties,
Visiting,
Street Etiquette,
Riding and Driving,
Travelling,
Etiquette in Church,
Etiquette for Places of Amusement,
Servants,
Hotel Etiquette,
Etiquette at Weddings,
Baptisms and Funerals.
Etiquette with Children and at the Card Table,
Visiting Cards,
Lettter-Writing,
The Lady's Toilet,
The Gentleman's Toilet,

BESIDES ONE HUNDRED UNCLASSIFIED LAWS
APPLICABLE TO ALL OCCASIONS
By S. A. FROST,

AUTHOR OF "FROST'S LETTER-WRITER," ETC.

1869



PREFACE.

For a long time the little book which we now offer to the public
has been wanted in the library of the fashionable world; the
customs, the etiquette, the different obligations which society
imposes upon those who live in its midst, change frequently, and
although the general principles are the same, although politeness
and civility are of all epoques and times, nevertheless there are
few persons so entirely at home in all the forms that they do not
on some occasion feel hesitation as to the proper manner of
conducting themselves.

Indeed, besides the broader and more essential rules of
politeness, there are certain conventionalities adopted by good
society, which, sanctioned by custom and absolute obligation,
cannot, without some good reason, be neglected by the truly polite
gentleman or lady. Every day the question is raised whether such
and such a custom is adopted, received, and proper; there will
constantly arise a doubt about the details of some ceremony, the
proper hour for some entertainment, the true etiquette for some
occasion. At such a time, there is a regret felt that there is not
at hand, in one's own library, a safe guide, an experienced
counsellor, who will answer such questions, so trifling in
appearance, so important in reality.

A breach of etiquette, an involuntarily omission of some point of
politeness, may often have a serious influence upon the future of
the perpetrator. None of these little details are to be scorned
they have each and every one a value.

It is to meet the want already mentioned that this little volume
has been prepared. It makes no claim to originality; but its aim
is to be perfectly reliable. English, French, and American
authorities of weight have been consulted, and nothing admitted
that was not sanctioned by experience and the customs of the best
society.

Books, it is very true, have been already written upon this
subject; but they are for the most part filled with useless
details, and often do not contain what is of most importance. The
aim of the Editor of the present work has been to avoid both
extremes, to select only what was useful, reliable, and well
established, and to reject only what was valueless or mere
repetition.

The subjects treated are all classed that they may have easy
reference, and admit of consultation at a moment's notice.

The little book goes forth with one pretension only, one ambition
alone--to be useful.


CONTENTS.

Etiquette and Its Uses
Introductions
Letters of Introduction
Salutes and Salutations
Calls
Conversation
Invitations
Dinner Company
Balls
Morning and Evening Parties
Visiting
Street Etiquette
Riding and Driving
Travelling
Etiquette In Church
Etiquette For Places of Amusemfent
Servants
Hotel Etiquette
Wedding Etiquette
Etiquette For Baptisms
Etiquette For Funerals
Etiquette of the Studio
Table Etiquette
Etiquette With Children
Games With Cards
Visiting Cards
Letter Writing
The Lady's Toilet
The Gentleman's Toilet
Miscellaneous

---

THE
LAWS AND BY-LAWS
OF AMERICAN SOCIETY.


ETIQUETTE AND ITS USES.

THERE are a great many people, in other respects perfectly
estimable (which makes the complaint against them the more
grievous) who maintain that the laws of nature are the only laws
of binding force among the units which compose society. They do
not assert their doctrine in so many words, but practically they
avow it, and they are not slow to express their contempt for the
"ridiculous etiquette" which is declared by their opponents to be
essential to the well being of society. These people are probably
a law to themselves in such matters; they obey in their rules of
conduct those instincts of propriety and good manners which were
implanted in them at their birth, and cultivated probably by their
education, and therefore they have small need to study especially
how to conduct themselves in their intercourse with society. In
such cases, their opposition to a written code of manners is
rather an affair of theory than of practice, and it seems rather
absurd that they should so emphatically denounce the system which
they themselves, by example rather than precept, thoroughly carry
out. They would be probably as averse to committing any act of
rudeness, or any breach of politeness as the warmest admirer of
the primitive life of the Indian would be to living himself in a
dirty tent, and eating his food, half cooked, on a forked-stick
over a camp fire. For such people this little code of the "Laws
and By-Laws of American Society" is not written.

There are others who are equally fierce in their denunciations of
the ridiculous etiquette above mentioned, but who have not the
same natural excuse for being so. These are the rude, rough
natures, whom no amount of social rubbing, or intercourse with the
most refined would polish, though the professors of the art of
good breeding polished never so wisely. They act in their rules of
conduct on a principle wholly selfish, making their own ease and
comfort the first, if not indeed the sole aim, regardless entirely
of the amount of inconvenience or discomfort they may occasion to
others. They are obliged to cry down, for mere consistency's sake,
the system which condemns their own course of action, and which
gives certain laws for governing the conduct, and certain other
laws prohibiting many of the acts of rudeness which they find so
agreeable, but which others may reasonably object to as offensive.
Such persons, too, will of course freely express their opinion,
yet their denunciations will probably produce an exactly opposite
effect to the one they intend, their own conduct proving the
pernicious influence of their theory. Their abuse will be, not the
expression, half in badinage, of minds protesting by anticipation
against the abuse of forms and ceremonies; but the ignorant
invective of coarse-minded people against a principle that would
tame them, and mould them into a more agreeable presence. They
exclaim loudly against what they personally dislike, however
beneficial it may be either to themselves or others. For them this
little book of the "Laws and By-Laws of American Society" is not
written.

Besides the two classes already mentioned, there is another
exceedingly large class of society, which, far from being boorish
by nature, yet from circumstances lacks the cultivation which
alone will bring the conduct into such training as will fit it
practically for exhibition in society. To the persons comprising
this class, it is not only a source of regret, but of absolute
pain, to be ignorant of the rules which make society cohere, which
mark out the functions and duties of the various members which
comprise it, and which guard alike against annoyances from the
impertinent, and intrusions by the ill-bred, promoting by
organized methods the formation of desirable acquaintanceship and
pleasant friendships, which otherwise might never take place.
Isolation from society, the want of proper instruction, the ill
effect of bad example, the advice of the prejudiced, the
association with the low-bred, and a hundred other causes, may
conspire to prevent that intimacy with the cardinal rules of good
behavior, which decorum and good breeding have dictated for the
better guidance of the community. It is for such persons, and for
the many others who, though not unacquainted with the principles
which should guide them in their conduct, are yet often at fault
upon questions of detail, and sometimes commit errors, which are
the more excusable that absolute rules, deduced from precedent and
established by practice alone could set them right, that this code
of Modern Etiquette has been prepared. To them it is offered as
supplying a need which it is their misfortune, rather than their
fault, to experience, in the hope that it will be found to contain
a complete guide for them in the open paths and by-paths too of
good society.

Before beginning to lay down the rules and ordinances of
Etiquette, it will be well to say a few words upon Etiquette
itself.

Etiquette is, in point of fact, nothing more nor less than the
law, written and unwritten, which regulates the society of
civilized people, distinguishing them from the communities of
barbarous tribes, whose lives are hard and their manners still
harder. It is to a well disciplined and refined mind the
fundamental principle of action in all intercourse with society,
and they are interested in maintaining it in its integrity, and
bound to heed and obey its simplest as well as more formal
precepts. The real law-giver is the general convenience, speaking
with authority and the experience of many years; and it will be
found that even in those cases, where the meaning of its rules may
be somewhat obscure at first sight, there is an underlying reason
for the regulation laid down.

Etiquette, like every other human institution, is of course liable
to abuse; it may be transformed from a convenient and wholesome
means of producing universal comfort into an inconvenient and
burdensome restraint upon freedom and ease. It may become the
first consideration, instead of more properly the second, as is
often the case with the instrumental accompaniment to a song, and
then it becomes, as does the accompaniment, an intolerable
nuisance. The mere form, over-riding and hiding the spirit which
should control and guide it; an entirely artificial state of
things, taking the place of the natural, must inevitably produce
discomfort and extravagance of behavior. Nature is thus made the
slave of Art, instead of Art taking its proper place as the
handmaid to Nature.

Etiquette, to be perfect, therefore, must be like a perfectly
fitting garment, which, beautifying and adorning the person, must
yet never cramp or restrain perfect freedom of movement. Any
visible restraint will mar its grace, as a wrinkle will mar the
pure outline of the garment.

Most people have heard of the gentleman (?) who was perfect in his
knowledge of the laws of etiquette, and who, seeing a man
drowning, took off his coat and was about to plunge into the water
to rescue him, when he suddenly remembered that he had never been
introduced to the struggling victim, and resuming his coat,
tranquilly proceeded upon his way.

Not less absurd are a thousand instances where a regard for formal
mannerism takes the place of the easy grace that is the mark of
true politeness, which being well acquired and habitual, is never
obtrusive or offensively prominent. Too rigid an observance of the
laws of etiquette makes them an absurdity and a nuisance.

But, because the laws of etiquette may be made a restraint under
injudicious management, it does not follow that they should be
disregarded or in any way set aside. The abuse of them is no
argument against them, any more than gluttony is any reason for
starvation. It is not the food that is in fault, but the excess of
the person partaking of it. The fault must be laid wholly and
solely at the door of those who misunderstand the use and
intention of really sound and excellent precepts. The extravagance
of an overdisplay of etiquette is really only another form of
innate vulgarity, although there are instances which may be drawn
from the side of over refinement, from the history of people and
societies, who become extravagant in their devotion to what they
deem good breeding, simply because, like the stars that looked
down upon Molly Bawn, "they'd nothing else to do."

There are to be found, even in grave history--amid the records of
war, treaties, conquests, administrations and revolutions--
accounts given in equally grave language of deep questions of
etiquette which seem to have been debated and settled with as much
care and energy as the most serious questions of state affairs.
Cases of this sort are announced and well founded. Whoever likes
to see the extent to which attention was given to the subject can
seek instances in the memoirs of public characters who lived in
the seventeenth century, in the diaries of minute detailers like
the Duke de St. Simon, Page to His Most Christian Majesty, Louis
the Fourteenth; like Sir John Finett, Master of Ceremonies to
Charles the First, and in the domestic histories of the courtiers
and grandees of the Spanish and Venetian courts.

Fortunately, the time has gone by when nice questions about
trifling points of etiquette served to light the flame of civil
war, as once they did in France, and to set the whole of the upper
class in a kingdom in arms. We owe this, perhaps, as much to the
general increase of civilization as to the working of any
particular set of rules or system. But the principle which
actuated the French nobility, at the time alluded to, is an
inherent one in the human mind, and would be likely to repeat
itself in some shape or another, not so violently perhaps, but
still to repeat itself, were it not kept in check by the known
laws of society.

Mr. Buckle tells us that as late as the reign of Louis the
Fourteenth, the right to sit in the presence of the French king
"was considered to be a matter of such gravity that in comparison
with it a mere struggle for liberty faded into insignificance."
There was a perpetual striving which should be accounted greatest.
According to the old code of etiquette, a duke's wife might sit in
the French queen's presence, but no one under that rank could do
so. A combination of marquises, counts, and other nobles was
formed and wrung from the hand of Louis the Fourteenth, this
concession that the ladies of the house of Bouillon might sit in
the presence of the queen. But this was fuel to the fire of the
combined noblemen's anger; two hostile parties were formed, and
the question of etiquette was nearly being decided by the sword.
It required all the tact and statesmanship of Mazarin to prevent
this, and in the end the right was conceded to three of the most
distinguished ladies of the lower aristocracy, to sit down in the
presence of the queen. Upon this, the superior nobility summoned
their adherents to Paris, and really a severe struggle followed,
which ended in the last mentioned concession being revoked; and so
great was the importance attached to the revocation that nothing
would satisfy the nobles short of the public withdrawal being
drawn up in a state paper, signed by the queen's regent,
countersigned by the four secretaries of state, and conveyed to
the assembly of nobles by four marshals of France.

The French memoirs of this period (the seventeenth century) abound
with references to just such questions of court etiquette; who
might use an arm-chair at court; who was to be invited to the
royal dinner; who might be kissed by the queen; what degree of
nobility entitled a man to be driven to the Louvre in a coach;
whether all dukes were equal, or whether, as some thought, the
Duke de Bouillon, having once possessed the sovereignty of Sedan,
was superior to the Duke de la Rochefoucauld, who had never
possessed any sovereignty at all; who should give the king his
napkin at dinner, and who might have the honor of assisting at the
toilet of the queen. The question whether the Duke de Beaufort
ought or ought not to enter the council chamber before the Duke de
Nemours, and whether, being there, he ought or ought not to sit
above him, caused a violent quarrel between the two dukes in 1652,
a quarrel which, of course, ended in a duel, and the death of the
Duke de Nemours. The equally grave question, whether a duke should
sign before a marshal was violently disputed between the Duke de
Rohan and one of the marshals of Henry the Fourth, and the king
was obliged to interfere in the matter.

These, of course, are but so many instances of the principle of
etiquette carried to an extravagant length, and simply prove the
danger there is in allowing things of less importance to supersede
or take the precedence of those of greater weight. They serve to
explain, and in some measure to excuse the denunciatory
expressions which many thoroughly well-bred people use against
etiquette, such expressions being, as before suggested, merely
protests uttered in anticipation of a repetition of the absurdity
which over-attention to ceremonies is liable to introduce.

But such cases are really no argument against etiquette itself,
without deference to which it would be impossible to live in
anything like freedom from annoyance from persons naturally
impertinent, or in the full enjoyment of that social liberty which
every one has a right to expect.

Good breeding is, as Lord Chesterfield well says, "the result of
much good sense, some good nature, and a little self-denial for
the sake of others, and with a view to obtain the same indulgence
from them." Lord Bacon, in his admirable essay on Ceremonies,
says:

"Not to use ceremonies at all, is to teach others not to use them
again, and so diminisheth respect to himself; especially they be
not to be omitted to strangers and formal natures; but the
dwelling upon them, and exalting them above the moon is not only
tedious, but doth diminish the faith and credit of him that
speaks."

To quote again from Lord Chesterfield, who says:

"Good sense and good nature suggest civility in general; but in
good breeding there are a thousand little delicacies which are
established only by custom."

It is precisely these "little delicacies" which constitute the
difference between politeness and etiquette. Politeness is that
inborn regard for others which may dwell in the heart of the most
ignorant boor, but etiquette is a code of outward laws which must
be learned by the resident in good society, either from
observation or the instruction of others.

It is a poor argument used against etiquette that it is not
truthful, and that uncouth manners are more frank and sincere than
polished and refined ones. Is truth then a hedgehog, always 3
bristling and offensive. Cannot truth be spoken in courteous
accents from a kind, gentle impulse, as well as blurted out rudely
and giving pain and mortification? It is true that roughness and
sincerity often abide together, but would it destroy the honesty
to polish away the roughness?

Etiquette, it is sometimes urged, is used to cloak what is hollow,
unmeaning and false, yet may it not also drape gracefully what is
true, sincere and important?

True politeness must come from the heart, from an unselfish desire
to please others and contribute to their happiness; when upon this
natural impulse is placed the polish of a complete and thorough
knowledge of the laws of etiquette, the manners must be perfect
and graceful.

Etiquette added to natural politeness is as a beautiful jewel upon
a tasteful dress. Ruskin thus defines a gentleman:

"A gentleman's first character is that firmness of structure in
the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation,
_and of that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the
most delicate sympathies_--one may say simply fineness of nature.
This is, of course, compatible with heroic bodily strength and
mental firmness; in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable
without such delicacy. Elephantine strength may drive its way
through a forest, and feel no touch of the boughs, but the white
skin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a bent rose leaf, yet
subdue its feelings in glow of battle, and behave itself like
iron. I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal; but if
you think about him carefully, you will find that his non-
vulgarity consists in such gentleness as is possible to
elephantine nature; not in his insensitive hide, nor in his clumsy
foot, but in the way he will lift his foot if a child lies in his
way; and in his sensitive trunk, and still more sensitive mind,
and capability of pique on points of honor....

"Hence it will follow, that one of the probable signs of high
breeding in men generally will be their kindness and mercifulness;
these always indicating more or less firmness of make in the
mind."

Undoubtedly the first law of good breeding is unselfishness, that
thorough forgetfulness of one's own wants and comforts, and
thoughtfulness for the happiness and ease of others, which is the
Christian gentleman's rule of life; which makes him yield the easy
chair to another older and weaker than himself, and sit upon a
narrow bench, or perhaps stand up; which selects for another the
choicest portions of the dishes upon the table, and uncomplainingly
dines off what is left; which hears with smiling interest the well-
worn anecdotes of the veteran story-teller; which gently lifts the
little child, who has fallen, and comforts the sobbing grief and
terror; which never forgets to endeavor to please others, and seems,
at least, pleased with all efforts made to entertain himself. Place
the code of politeness beside that of vulgarity and see if the one
does not contain all virtue, the other vice. Is not good temper
virtuous and polite, bad temper vicious and vulgar? Is not self
denial virtuous and polite, selfishness vicious and vulgar? Is not
truth virtuous and polite, scandal vicious and vulgar? Take every
principle in the conventional code of the perfectly well-bred, and
so define it, and not a virtue is rude.

True etiquette, as we have said before, is not politeness, yet it
is founded upon the same basis. An English author says:

"Etiquette may be defined as the minor morality of life. No
observances, however minute, that tend to spare the feelings of
others, can be classed under the head of trivialities; and
politeness, which is but another name for general amiability,
will oil the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any of
those unguents supplied by mere wealth or station."

To be truly polite, one must be at once good, just and generous,
has been well said by a modern French writer:

"True politeness is the outward visible sign of those inward
spiritual graces called modesty, unselfishness, generosity. The
manners of a gentleman are the index of his soul. His speech is
innocent, because his life is pure; his thoughts are direct,
because his actions are upright; his bearing is gentle, because
his blood, and his impulses, and his training are gentle also. A
true gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pretence. He
avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no
attractions for him. He seeks not only to say civil things, but to
do them. His hospitality, though hearty and sincere, will be
strictly regulated by his means. His friends will he chosen for
their good qualities and good manners; his servants for their
thoughtfulness and honesty; his occupations for their usefulness,
or their gracefulness, or their elevating tendencies, whether
moral, or mental, or political. And so we come round again to our
first maxims, _i.e._, that 'good manners are the kindly fruit of a
refined nature.'

"And if this be true of mankind, how still more true is it of
womankind! Granted that truthfulness, gracefulness, considerateness,
unselfishness, are essential to the breeding of a true gentleman,
how infinitely essential must they be to the breeding of a true
lady! That her tact should be even readier, her sympathies even
tenderer, her instinct even finer than those of the man, seems only
fit and natural. In her politeness, prevcyance, and all the minor
observances of etiquette, are absolutely indispensable. She must be
even more upon her guard than a man in all those niceties of speech,
look and manner, which are the especial and indispensable
credentials of good breeding. Every little drawing-room ceremonial,
all the laws of society, the whole etiquette of hospitality must be
familiar to her. And even in these points, artificial though they
be, her best guide after all, is that kindness of heart which gives
honor where honor is due, and which is ever anxious to spare the
feelings and prejudices of others.

"Every mistress of a house, be it remembered, is a minor
sovereign, upon whose bounty the comfort, and happiness, and
refinement of her little court depends. She must take especial
care that her servants are capable, well trained and reliable, and
that her domestic arrangements are carried on as noiselessly and
easily as if by machinery. In a well ordered house the machinery
is always in order, and always works out of sight. No well-bred
woman talks of her servants, of her dinner arrangements, or the
affairs of her nursery. One feels these matters to be under her
_surveillance_, and that fact alone is a guarantee of their good
management. The amusements and comforts of her guests are provided
for without discussion or comment; and whatever goes wrong is
studiously withheld from the conversation of the drawing-room. And
let no lady, however young, however beautiful, however gifted, for
one moment imagine that the management of her house can be
neglected with impunity. If she is rich enough to provide an
efficient housekeeper, well and good; but, even so, the final
responsibility must still rest upon her, and her alone. No tastes,
no pleasures must stand in the way of this important duty; and
even if that duty should at first seem irksome, the fulfillment of
it is sure to bring its own reward.

"The very atmosphere of the house proclaims the mistress. The
servants wear a cheerful air, and meet you with candid and
friendly faces; the rooms are tastefully furnished; an
irreproachable cleanliness and neatness reign around. The
unexpected guest finds an orderly table and an unembarrassed
welcome. In such a house, scandal finds no favor, and conversation
never degenerates into gossip. In such a home, peace and plenty
and goodwill are permanent household gods."

The most perfect law of politeness, the safest and surest guide in
all that pertains to the true definition of a gentleman or lady
is, after all, the Christian rule:

"Do unto others as you would others should do unto you."

 No one with this for a guide can ever fail in true, genuine
_politeness_, and that politeness will soon lead him to learn and
remember all the prevailing rules of established _etiquette_.


INTRODUCTIONS.

NEVER introduce people to each other unless you are sure the
acquaintance so commenced will be mutually agreeable.

A person who, from youth, social position or any other cause,
stands in the inferior position of the two persons to be
introduced to each other, must be introduced to the superior. A
gentleman is always to be introduced to a lady, never a lady to a
gentleman.

At a ball, it is the part of the host and hostess to make
introductions amongst the guests; but guests may with perfect
propriety introduce friends to each other. Gentlemen must never
introduce friends to ladies, without first obtaining special
permission to do so, and this permission should be always granted,
unless there is a very strong reason for the refusal. The French,
and in a great measure the English, dispense with introductions at
a private ball. It is taken for granted that the hostess has
invited to her ball only such people as are fit to be mutually
acquainted, and the fact that they have been invited to meet each
other is a sufficient warrant for self-introduction. This practice
saves a great deal of trouble, but it applies only to balls in
private houses. At any public ball, partners must be introduced to
each other; indeed it is better for ladies at such entertainments,
to dance only with the gentlemen of their own party, or with whom
they had a previous acquaintance. Special introductions may,
however, be made with propriety by the master of ceremonies.

When introducing two gentlemen, look first to the elder, or, if
there is any difference in social standing, to the superior, and
with a slight bow say to him: "Allow me to introduce my friend,
Mr. Jones, to you;" then turning to your friend, repeat his name,
and follow it by that of the gentleman to whom he is introduced,
thus: "Mr. Smith, allow me to introduce my friend, Mr. Jones, to
you. Mr. Jones, Mr. Smith." In introducing a gentleman to a lady,
bow slightly to the latter, saying, "Miss---, allow me to
introduce Mr.---; Mr.---, (bowing to him) Miss---."

When several persons are introduced to one, it is sufficient to
name the single individual once, repeating all the names of the
others, thus: "Mr. Johnson, allow me to introduce Mr. and Mrs.
James, Miss Smithson, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Johnson," bowing slightly to
each when named.

Shaking hands after an introduction has taken place is merely
optional, not necessary; and is forbidden to an unmarried lady to
whom a gentleman is introduced. A bow is all that etiquette
requires. In introducing young persons to elder ones of good
social standing, it is often a kindly act of encouragement for the
latter to shake hands, with a few cordial words.

It is not necessary to introduce people who meet at your house on
morning calls, though it may be done with propriety if the
introduction has been previously ascertained to be mutually
pleasant.

It is optional after such an introduction, with the parties
introduced, to continue or drop the acquaintance so formed.
Without a formal introduction, the merely meeting at the house of
a mutual friend, does not warrant any future recognition. It
rests, however, after an introduction with the lady, if between
lady and gentleman, with the married or elder lady, if between
lady and lady, and with the elder, if between gentlemen, to
continue or drop the acquaintance.

Gentlemen who meet at the house or rooms of a mutual friend are
not obliged to recognize one another if they meet again elsewhere.
There is no rule forbidding their doing so, if agreeable to both
parties, but there is no requirement of etiquette obliging them to
appear as if they had even met before.

A lady is not obliged to afterwards recognize a partner with whom
she may have danced at a ball. It is entirely optional with her to
do so or not; and if she has danced several times with the
gentlemen, it will be a question between her and her conscience
how far she may consider herself justified in passing by without
notice one who has extended to her so much courtesy at a ball.
Etiquette, however, does not require even the slightest
recognition.

When strangers in a city are introduced to residents it is
customary to name the place from which they come, thus: "Allow me
to introduce to you my friend Mr. Schmidt, from Germany. Mr.
Schmidt, Mr. Popking;" or if introducing a traveller, "Allow me to
introduce my friend Mr. Robinson, lately returned from Egypt." A
pleasant opening is thus offered for conversation, and a foreigner
may have the pleasure of a salutation in his own language.

An important duty in introducing friends is to pronounce the name
of each party clearly and distinctly, that no error or necessity
for repetition may occur.

It is often a positive kindness to take advantage of the etiquette
which dispenses with introductions at morning calls. Many a witty,
talented person has had a stupid bore pursue him upon such an
introduction, and even the one necessary conversation following an
introduction is a painful effort, owing to the entire
uncongeniality of the parties introduced.

A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers,
who are bound to continue the acquaintance as long as the friend
is your guest. So, if when calling upon a friend, you are
introduced to a visitor, you are bound to extend all courtesies
and attentions which you would desire paid to your visitors in
similar circumstances.

Introductions, given at a party to a stranger visiting in a city,
must be followed by recognition as long as the visit continues.

If, when walking with one friend, you should meet another, it is
not necessary to introduce them; indeed, you should not do so
without special reason for it. Never, even after an introduction,
start a long conversation, unless all continue the walk in the
same direction.

Should you, when walking with a friend, meet a lady who desires to
speak to you, your friend must stop with you, yet an introduction
under such circumstances does not exact any future recognition.

Sisters, brothers or other relatives may always be introduced to
friends when met casually.

If friends meet at public places of amusement and are accompanied
by strangers, introductions are not required by etiquette, and if
made do not oblige any future acquaintance.

It is not necessary to have an introduction in order to pay your
respects to the President of the United States, excepting that of
the master of ceremonies at the receptions. He will receive your
card and present you. For a private interview it is better to be
introduced by a Senator or a member of the House of
Representatives.

In visiting foreign courts, introductions are more a matter of
ceremony than in this country. If you wish to obtain an
introduction to the Emperor of France, you must address your
request to the Grand Chamberlain, which may be done personally or
by letter.

Your statement that you are an American citizen, and a reference
to the American Consul will procure you an interview. Punctuality
to the hour appointed for the interview is essential, and ladies
present themselves in full dress; gentlemen in a dress suit of
black, white vest, gloves and neck-tie.

The ceremony of presentation will be explained before you are
presented.

In the English court, the ladies must be presented by a lady;
gentlemen by a gentleman. Strangers must have credentials from the
Consul before they can be introduced.

If at a dinner, a ball, or upon any occasion you are introduced,
at a friend's house, to one with whom you are not on good terms,
though it be your bitterest enemy, etiquette requires you to
salute him or her courteously, and make no sign of resentment
whilst under your friend's roof.

If you are introduced as a petitioner to any one in authority,
that introduction does not authorize you in claiming an
acquaintance afterwards.

Never introduce persons who may be related to you, without calling
their full name. It is done very often, even amongst well-bred
people, from thoughtfulness, as, "Mrs. James, allow me to
introduce my cousin Frank; Frank, Mrs. James," and poor Mrs. James
is left entirely ignorant of cousin Frank's name. The proper way
is to name the relationship and also the surname of the relative.
If you introduce a brother or sister even, marriage may have
changed the name of one. You should say: "Mrs. James, allow me to
introduce to you my sister, Miss Curtis; Miss Curtis, Mrs. James."

If you are introduced to the relative of a friend, etiquette
requires you to consider that relative an acquaintance, unless
there is some special reason to the contrary.

It is best to avoid introductions in a public conveyance, as few
people like to have their names called out in such places. If such
introductions are made, however, it should be done as quietly as
possible.

To introduce to a friend a person who is in any way objectionable,
is an insult which fully justifies a withdrawal of friendship.

A gentleman should always raise his hat, if introduced in the
street, to either lady or gentleman.

If introducing a foreigner or a gentleman in this country, whose
position gives him an honorary title, always give the title. Thus,
if a member of Congress, meeting a German baron at your house, you
introduce them, you say: "Mr. Somers, allow me to introduce to you
my friend, the Baron von Schmidt; Baron von Schmidt, the Honorable
Mr. Somers."

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.

LETTERS of introduction should never be given, except to persons
well known to the person introducing them, and addressed to those
only who have a long-standing friendship for the writer. Amongst
persons but slightly acquainted, such letters are not only foolish
but positively dangerous, as you may thus give your countenance to
those who will take advantage of your carelessness to bring you
into mortifying, if not disgraceful positions.

Even amongst friends of long standing they should be given very
cautiously and sparingly, as it is a great responsibility to send
to your friend a visitor who may prove disagreeable, and you have
no right whatever to call upon comparative strangers to extend
hospitality or courtesy to your friends.

Letters of introduction should always be as short and concise as
possible. If you wish to send any information to your friends
about their visitor, send it in a separate letter by mail.

The utmost brevity is of importance in the letter of introduction,
as it is usually read in the presence of the party introduced, and
the pause must necessarily be awkward. You may in a letter of
introduction use a few words of warm, cordial feeling toward your
friend, but praise of any kind is in as bad taste as it would be
at a personal introduction.

This rule, however, does not apply to letters introducing
applicants for favor, office or position, which latter come more
strictly under the head of letters of recommendation than merely
letters of introduction.

Letters of introduction must be left unsealed invariably; they
should be folded and addressed like any other letter, but it is a
gross breach of etiquette to prevent the bearer from reading what
you may have said of him to your friend. It is optional with the
bearer to seal such letters before delivery, but it is customary
to leave them open.

A letter of introduction should not, unless circumstances make it
absolutely unavoidable, be delivered in person. It should be sent,
with the card of the person introduced, to the person to whom it
is addressed, by a servant. The person receiving it should then
call at once or send a written invitation to his house, and the
person introduced may then call in person. If, however, the stay
in the city is very short, these formalities must be omitted, and
the person introduced call in person, sending in his letter and
card by a servant.

Business letters of introduction should mention the errand and
business of the party introduced, and if your own acquaintance is
of recent date, mention by whom your were yourself introduced.

Letters introducing professional artists may contain a few words
expressive of the pleasure conferred by the talent or skill of the
person introduced.

Letters of introduction soliciting favors should be but seldom
given, and never unless the claims upon both parties interested
are very strong.

There is no rule of etiquette prescribing the exact amount of
attention required to be shown to the bearer of a letter of
introduction by the person to whom it is addressed.

A thousand circumstances of time, place, position, leisure and
disposition of the parties must control this, but as a rule, the
most generous hospitality and courtesy it is possible to give,
should be extended to your friend's friend. It is a compliment to
both the bearer and the writer of the letter. La Fontaine says: "A
letter of introduction is a draft at sight, and you must cash it."
It might be added, "You must cash it in full, never allowing the
courtesy exchange to be against the presenter of the draft."

Letters of introduction should bear upon the envelope the name and
address of the party introduced, written in the left hand corner--
thus:

JOHN JONES, ESQ.,
No. 714 --- Street,
Philadelphia.
Introducing L. F. Townsend, Esq., of Troy.

Letters of introduction to and from business men, for business
purposes, may be delivered by the bearers in person, and etiquette
does not require the receiver to entertain the person introduced
as the private friend of the writer. Good nature and native
courtesy would suggest some attentions, which could be increased
according to the pleasure conferred or received, but it is
entirely optional.

Letters of introduction are very useful to travellers, or those
about to change their place of residence; care, however, should be
especially taken in the latter case to present persons to each
other only, who will prove mutually agreeable, as it is surely no
friendly act to force upon your friends a life-long acquaintance,
perhaps with uncongenial persons.

A form is given for an ordinary letter of introduction, to be
varied according to circumstances, always bearing in mind that
brevity is essential, long acquaintance necessary, and some claim
on both parties important, before giving any letters of introduction
to your friends and acquaintances.

"New York, August 12, 1869.

"JAMES WILCOX, ESQ.,

"Dear Sir:--Allow me to introduce to you my friend, Mr. Loving,
who will make a brief visit to your city. Any attention you may be
able to show him, during his stay, will be appreciated as a favor
by,

"Yours sincerely,
"E. B. Lyons."

(To be directed) "JAMES WILCOX, ESQ.,
"No. 204 --- Street,
"Washington, D.C.
"Introducing F. G. Loving, Esq., of New York."

In receiving such a letter, bear in mind the courtesy extended is
really a compliment to the writer of the letter, and such
hospitality and courtesy as you extend you are entitled to claim
again for your own friends at some future time. If you are in a
position to do so, you should follow your first call by an
invitation to dinner, or to meet friends in the evening, and if
the new comer is a stranger in the city, select such friends to
meet him or her, as will prove agreeable and valuable
acquaintances. If your are a bachelor or boarding, and cannot
extend the hospitalities of a home, offer your services as guide
to points of interest in the city, places of public amusement, in
short, extend any courtesy your purse or leisure time will
warrant.

It is contrary to etiquette for the bearer of a letter of
introduction to visit too frequently the house to which he has
just been introduced. The fact that Mr. Smith is your only friend
in town, and has been cordial in his invitations to "make his
house your home," does not justify you in pulling too frequently
at Mr. Smith's door-bell, or presenting yourself at unseasonable
hours in Mrs. Smith's drawing-room.

In travelling abroad it is impossible to have too many letters of
introduction. They take up but little room in a trunk, but their
value when you find yourself "a stranger in a strange land,"
cannot be over-estimated.


SALUTES AND SALUTATIONS.

IN this country men do not embrace each other, nor do they
exchange kisses, while, unless amongst intimate friends, even the
fair sex now dispense with demonstrative salutations. In many
European countries kisses are exchanged, even between gentlemen,
and an embrace is quite in accordance with even a somewhat formal
salutation. In America, however, these demonstrations are mostly
confined to gushing misses and school-girls.

Men in this country acknowledge an introduction by extending the
right hand in greeting--the whole hand--for it is positively
insulting to offer two fingers, as some under-bred snobs will
sometimes do, and it is almost as bad to extend the left hand,
unless two persons are introduced at the same time, or the right
hand is useless or occupied; in any such case apologize for the
hand extended. The right hand is the sword hand, and its extension
to a friend is emblematic as a proof of peace, and as a safeguard
against treachery.

In offering the hand to a friend in the house, always remove the
glove, and grasp the hand given in return firmly for a moment. In
the street, however, the glove may be retained, if it would cause
an awkward pause to remove it; but always in such a case apologize
for the covered hand.

In shaking hands, do not try to wring them off the wrists, nor
press them as in a vise, nor pull them as though they were bell
handles, nor fling the two together with violence, so as to cause
a report. Let the palms grasp each other firmly, but without any
display of energy, and shake the hand moderately for a moment,
then release it. Mr. Pecksniff was wont to clasp his left hand
over his "dear friend's" right hand, resting in his own right.
This practice may be very effective, from a scenic point of view,
but it is not countenanced by any rule of etiquette.

A lady must first recognize a gentleman by bowing before he is at
liberty to salute her. She is the sole judge of the propriety of
recognizing him at all, and etiquette requires the strictest
deference to her desire in this respect. Should she recognize him,
he should raise his hat a little from his head, with the hand
furthest from her, and return her salutation with a slight
inclination of the body. He may not obtrude himself upon her
notice even if he thinks she has not observed him.

A lady should never stop in the street to salute a gentleman
friend, nor may a gentleman join a lady in the street.

Should a lady, however, stop in meeting a gentleman, etiquette
requires him to stop also, no matter how great his haste. If he is
really unable to stop any time, he must at least pause long enough
to state this fact, and apologize for leaving her in such haste.

When a lady wishes to end a conversation in the street, she should
bow slightly, and the gentleman must at once take his leave.

If a lady resumes her walk without any pause in the conversation,
a gentleman is then at liberty to join her in her promenade.

Married ladies are allowed more freedom in such matters than
unmarried ones. It is against all established laws of etiquette
for young unmarried ladies to do more than bow to gentlemen in the
street, unless the fact of relationship allows some violation of
strict etiquette.

Unless related, or upon terms of intimate friendship with a
gentleman, a lady should never salute excepting by a slightly
formal bow. A nod is vulgar, even when exchanged by intimate
friends.

In her own house, however, a lady should extend her hand in
salutation to every guest who crosses her threshold.

Froissart, that charmingly quaint writer, tells of the dame of
ancient days thus:

"When Sir Walter Manny and his men returned from a successful
sortie out of Henneboune, the chronicle tells us,' The Countess de
Montfort came down from the castle to meet them, and with a most
cheerful countenance kissed Sir Walter Manny and all his
companions, one after the other, like a noble and valiant dame.'"
Modern etiquette would hardly speak in praise of such a lady in
the current year.

On horseback a lady salutes by bowing slightly. A gentleman,
grasping reins and whip in his left hand, raises his hat slightly
with his right, at the same time inclining the body forward. He
may not, however, join a lady riding, unless she is escorted only
by a groom, and then he must first request permission to do so.

Never will a gentleman so far imitate a vulgar clown as to smack a
friend on the back, poke him in the ribs, or by clapping his hand
upon his shoulder. It is equally bad taste to use a familiar
shout, or "Hullo, old boy!" or any other "Hail fellow, well met"
phrase of salutation.

If a gentleman salutes another by mistake, even if he has given
him an unceremonious slap or poke, it is etiquette to treat the
offender with the utmost courtesy. He will probably be
sufficiently embarrassed, when he discovers his error, without
having any blunt speech made to add to his discomfiture.

If a gentleman meet a gentleman, be may salute him by touching his
hat without removing it, but if a lady be with either gentleman
both hats must be lifted in salutation.

If a gentleman stops to speak to a lady, in the street, he must
hold his hat in his hand during the interview, unless she requests
him to replace it. With a gentleman friend etiquette does not
require this formality.

A gentleman may bow to a lady seated at a window, if he is passing
on the street, but he must not bow from a window to a lady on the
street.

A gentleman may never offer to shake hands with a lady, but he
must accept such an offer on her part, taking her hand lightly but
firmly in his ungloved right one, and delicately shaking it for a
moment. A pressure is an insult in such a case.

In entering a church a gentleman must remove his hat as soon as
his foot crosses the threshold of the sacred edifice. Travellers
will often omit this salutation in visiting churches abroad, whose
faith differs from their own. There is no more certain sign of ill
breeding as well as irreverence.

A gentleman may always bow to a lady he may meet on a airway, even
if not acquainted. If at the foot of the stairs, he must bow, pass
her and ascend before her. If at the head of the stairs, he must
bow, and wait for her to precede him in the descent.

If two friends are walking together and meet a friend of one, a
bow is all the salutation etiquette demands; if, however, one of
the two stops to speak to the third, he owes the friend he
accompanies an apology for the delay thus occasioned.

In entering a room, a gentleman must take his hat, cane and gloves
in his left hand, leaving his right hand free for salutation.

If a gentleman, walking with a friend, meets a lady with whom his
friend is acquainted, he must also bow, although the lady may be a
stranger to him. The bow must be very slight and formal, merely,
in fact, a compliment to his friend, and a mark of respect to the
lady.

A gentleman must always return a bow made to him in the street,
even if he fails to recognize the person who makes it. It may be a
person to whom he has been introduced, but whose face he has
forgotten, and if it is an error on the part of the other, a
courteous return of the salute will greatly diminish the
embarrassment of the mistaken party.

In meeting a party of friends with some of whom you are intimately
acquainted, and with some only slightly, endeavor to make your
salutations as equal as possible. A formal bow to one, and a
gushing demonstration of delight over another is a breach of
etiquette. Be courteous and cordial to all.

If a foreigner salute you after the fashion of his own country, do
not draw back or allow yourself to smile, but strive to put him at
his ease by taking no notice of the "national salute."

Kissing in public, even between intimate lady friends, is a vulgar
parade of affection, that a truly refined person will shrink from.

It is an insult to return a cordial grasp of the hand, and hearty
greeting, by a cold bow or a flabby extension of a portion of the
hand. Even if you do not approve of the familiar greeting you
should return it with some show of cordiality.

The Countess de --- speaking of salutations, says:

"It would seem that good manners were originally the mere
expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a
rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of
worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy
with which we are now familiar, date from those earlier stages
when the strong hand ruled, and the inferior demonstrated his
allegiance by studied servility. Let us take for example the
words' Sir' and' Madam.'' Sir' is derived from Seigneur, Sieur',
Sire, and originally meant Lord, King, Ruler, and in its
patriarchal sense, Father. The title of Sire was last borne by
some of the ancient feudal families of France who, as Selden has
said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of Sire than
Baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.'

"Madam or Madame, corrupted by servants into 'Ma'am,' and by Mrs.
Gamp and her tribe into' Mum,' is in substance equivalent to' Your
exalted,' or' Your Highness.' _Ma Dame_ originally meaning high-
born or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest
rank.

"To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our
hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to
strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave
our hand to our friends as he passes the window, or drives away
from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on
the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga
Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant
grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has
a primary, a historical significance. The very word' salutation'
in the first place, derived as it is from' salutatio,' the daily
homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a
history of manners.

"To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and
rulers. A bow is a modified protestation. A lady's courtesy is a
modified genuflexion. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and
when we wave our hand to the friend on the opposite side of the
street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans who, as Selden
tells us, used to stand somewhat off before the images of their
gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it,
as if they had cast kisses.'

"Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a
custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron
gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for
the palm of a fair _chatelaine_, and the custom which began in
necessity has travelled down to us as a point of etiquette."

General salutations of a mixed company are not now in vogue in the
best society, where etiquette requires that we recognize only our
own friends and acquaintances.

In meeting at a friend's house where you are visiting a circle who
are all entire strangers to you, remember that as mutual friends
of the host and hostess you are bound whilst under the same roof
to consider yourselves as acquaintances. No spirit of
exclusiveness is an apology for a neglect of this, and no shyness
can excuse a withdrawing into a corner, or clinging to one friend
alone in such a circle.


CALLS.

WHEN ladies have, according to the French custom, set apart one
morning or one evening in the week for receiving callers, it is a
breach of etiquette to call at any other time, unless a short
visit in the city or business that will not admit of delay are the
excuses. An hour in the evening, and from ten to twenty minutes in
the morning are the limits for a formal call.

When there is no time thus set apart, formal calls must be paid in
the morning, but with friends of long standing the evening call is
not only permissible, but often far more welcome.

Morning calls may be made by gentlemen in society upon all the
occasions following:

In answer to a letter of introduction sent to him, or to return
the call if the letter is personally presented.

In return for any hospitality offered to him when visiting another
city, if the entertainer visit his own place of abode.

In return for any favor received or courtesy extended to him by
another gentleman.

In return for an invitation to the house of a friend, whether the
invitation has been accepted or declined, and this call must be
made within the week following that during which the entertainment
was given.

On any occasion when a grief or a joy calls for expressions of
condolence or congratulation in the circle of his friends.

To greet the safe return of any friend who has been abroad, or
away from home for any length of time.

Following any occasion when a lady has accepted his services as an
escort, a gentleman must call to inquire after the health of his
fair charge, and must not delay longer than the day after that
upon which he has escorted the lady.

After a wedding, at the time appointed for the reception of
friends.

When visiting in another city, upon any friends there, or upon
those to whom letters of introduction have been given.

In asking or granting a favor, a call is demanded by etiquette.

The visit or call is a much better institution than the vulgar
suppose. It is not without its objections, consuming valuable
time, and giving occasion for gossip and small talk, but it is the
most agreeable and customary way of turning a mere acquaintance
into a friend. In a friendly call much of the restraint of meeting
in large assemblies is thrown aside, mind meets mind much more
easily in an easy _tete-a-tete_ conversation, and the conversation
may be allowed to partake somewhat more of a personal character
than it could in the ball-room or evening party.

First calls require prompt return, even if you drop the
acquaintance before the second one.

Morning calls must never be earlier than noon, evening ones never
later than nine o'clock.

When calling, if the room seems crowded, do not prolong your
visit.

A gentleman may never call with a friend upon a lady, unless the
friend is previously acquainted, or he has obtained permission of
the lady to introduce him.

In making a formal call, a gentleman must retain his hat in his
hand. An umbrella or cane may be left in the hall, never the hat
or gloves. If the call is made in the evening, the hat and gloves
must be held until the host or hostess gives an invitation to lay
them aside and spend the evening. Strict etiquette requires that
such an invitation shall not be given, or if given, not accepted
on the occasion of a first call.

In making an informal call in the evening, a gentleman may leave
hat, gloves, cane and overcoat in the hall.

No gentleman will prolong a call if he finds his host or hostess
dressed to go out. A brief visit with a promise to repeat it will
place his entertainers at ease, and even if they urge a longer
stay, the very fact that they were preparing to go out, proves
their desire to do so.

A card used in calling must never have anything upon it, but the
name and address of the caller. Nothing can show a greater
ignorance of the customs of society than to use a business card
for a friendly call. A physician may put the prefix Dr. or the
professional M.D., upon his card, and an Army or Navy officer his
rank and branch of service. Thus a civilian's card must be simply:

JAMES LAWTON,
417 L--- Street.

A physician's:

DR. JEROME HAYES,
218 T--- Street, or

JEROME HAYES, M.D.

An Army officer's:

LIEUT. JAMES BENNETT,
U. S. A.

An Naval officer's:

LIEUT. HENRY KEYSER,
U.S.N.

In receiving a gentleman caller, a gentleman meets him at the
door, takes his hat and cane, and places a chair for him, but a
lady does not leave her seat to receive a gentleman, slightly
rising to bow, and resuming her place again when her visitor is
seated; in receiving another lady, a lady should rise and advance
to meet her, also rise and accompany her to the door when leaving,
unless she has other callers, in which case, she is not required
to leave her place, only standing to bid her caller farewell.

An English authority gives some excellent directions for calling
upon occasions of congratulation or condolence. He says:

"Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week
after the event. If you are intimate with the person upon whom you
call, you may ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is
better to leave only a card, and make your "kind inquiries" of the
servant, who is generally primed in what manner to answer them. In
visits of congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in
your congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible
inflictions to both receiver and giver, but they may be made less
so by avoiding, as much as is consistent with sympathy, any
allusion to the past. The receiver does well to abstain from
tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her husband, was
receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept profusely for
sometime upon the best broad-hemmed cambric handkerchiefs, and
then turning to her visitor said: 'I am sure that you will be glad
to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided for.'
_Hinc illae lachrymae._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere
if he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have
not sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you
will do better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation
is not too gay. Whatever you may feel you must respect the sorrows
of others."

On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to
keep among your acquaintances, and it is then their part to call
first on the young couple, when within distance.

A lady when calling keeps her parasol in her hand, and is not
required to remove her glove.

No dog, however "dear or interesting," can be admitted to the
drawing-room, and it is bad taste to have one follow you from
home, if you intend to make calls.

It is better for a lady not to have a child with her when paying
calls, unless it is trained to sit silent, or old enough to behave
with quiet propriety.

It is a sign of low-breeding to fidget with the hat, cane or
parasol during a call. They are introduced merely as signs that
the caller is in walking dress, and are not intended, the hat to
be whirled round the top of the cane, the cane to be employed in
tracing out the pattern of the carpet, or the parasol to be tapped
on the teeth, or worse still, sucked.

It is in bad taste for a caller to preface his or her departure by
consulting a watch, remarking, "Now I must go," or insinuating
that the hostess is weary of the visitor. Rise when ready to go,
and express your pleasure at finding your friends at home,
followed by a cordially expressed desire for a speedy meeting
again.

Pelham said he always withdrew when he said something that
produced a sensation, because he knew he must leave such an
impression as would make people wish to see him again.
The lady of the house should always ring when visitors rise to go,
that a servant may be ready to show them out.

When other callers arrive, it is in bad taste to rise at once as
if driven away. Let the first caller watch for a favorable
opportunity to retire gracefully.

If a gentleman calling sees a lady unescorted rise to go, he may
with perfect propriety offer to escort her to her carriage, even
if a stranger, but he must return again to make his own farewell
bow to the hostess.

The most trivial subjects are admissible for a call, and it is not
in good taste to discuss deep interests, political questions or
matters of grave moment.

If strangers are in the room when a caller rises to leave,
courtesy requires only a slight bow in passing.

When calling, etiquette requires that a card be sent up. It will
show that you have called, and if friends are at home, will
prevent any confusion from mispronunciation of your name by the
servant.

When the lady of the house is not at home, a card must be left,
and if there are two or more ladies, the turning down of one
corner of the card signifies that the call was intended for all
the family,

If cards to be left preparatory to leaving town, the initials p.
p. c. (_pour prendre conge_,* or, presents parting compliments),
must be written in the left hand corner. If the departure is a
hurried one, the card may be sent by a servant, but it is in
better taste to leave it in person.

----
* To take leave.
-----

Cards sent during the illness of any member of the family to whom
they are sent, must be accompanied by verbal inquiries regarding
the patient's health. The same rule applies to the survivors when
cards of condolence are sent.

Cards may be left or sent the day after a ball or large evening
party.

After a dinner party or small social gathering, cards must be left
within the following week. When unable to accept an invitation to
dinner, a call should soon afterwards be made to express regret at
the inability to be present.

Visits of condolence are made within a week after the bereavement,
unless the deceased be one of the immediate family, when a
fortnight may be allowed to intervene. Cards may, however, be left
immediately after the death is known.

The first call of a stranger must be returned within a week.

Married men are not obliged to make calls of ceremony in person.
It is sufficient for their wives to leave their cards with their
own.

Residents in a place make the first call upon any new comers.

If a lady does not wish to receive visitors, her servant must be
instructed to reply "not at home," to callers. This is not meant
to imply that she is out of the house; merely that she is not home
to callers. To say that she is "engaged" answers the same purpose,
but such answers must be made upon the first inquiry, for if the
visitor is announced, he or she may conclude the refusal is
intended for that especial call.

It is not necessary, nor is it customary in the city, to offer
refreshments to callers. In the country, especially if the
visitors have come from a distance, it is not only courteous, but
often a positive kindness to do so.

If a stranger come to stay at the house of a friend, those who are
in the habit of visiting at the house should call as soon as
possible, and such calls should be returned at the earliest
practicable opportunity.

A well-bred person should endeavor to be always prepared for
callers. If it is impossible, during the day, to see your friends,
instruct your servant to deny them at the door, but if once within
house, no personal inconvenience should prevent you from
presenting yourself. Illness alone, either your own, or that of
some one requiring your constant attention, can then excuse you.

A lady should avoid keeping callers waiting. If they call before
the hours etiquette has appointed, it is better to see them in the
morning dress than to make them wait for a more elaborate toilet.
If there is any fault, it is their own for intruding at improper
hours.

Persons who do not keep a carriage should not make visits of
ceremony in wet weather. It is ill-bred to enter a drawing-room,
with a handsome carpet upon it, in muddy boots and spattered
garments, to stand a dripping umbrella beside you, or deposit
over-shoes in the hall.

Never resume your seat after having once left it to say adieu.
There is nothing more awkward than to take leave twice. A lady who
is receiving morning visits, may keep some trifling fancy-work in
her hand, if she desires; but drawing, music, writing or any other
absorbing occupation must at once be laid aside.

In receiving many callers at one time, a well-bred lady must
divide her attentions as equally as possible. A _tete-a-tete_
conversation is a gross breach of etiquette, and no one may
receive any especial notice excepting any elderly person.

If, during a call any _contretemps_ occur, shorten your visit.
Your hostess may preserve a smiling serenity while a voice in the
distance proclaims that, "Johnnie has fallen down the stairs," or
"Mary has set the nursery curtains on fire," but you may be
certain she will not resent your departure, even if you have not
been two minutes seated.

If you find yourself intruding upon an early dinner hour, do not
prolong your stay.

A call may be made upon a friend to whom some good fortune has
come, as promotion in service or other happy event, even if he has
not returned the last of your visits.

It is a breach of etiquette, during a call, to draw near to the
fire to warm your hands and feet, unless you are invited by the
mistress of the house to do so. If you are alone in the drawing-
room for a time, while your visit is announced, and then go to the
fire, leave your seat and advance to meet the mistress of the
house as she enters, and then take the seat she points out to you.

In visiting an invalid, never offer to go to the room, but wait
for a invitation to do so.

A gentleman who is a confirmed invalid, may receive the visits of
a lady friend, but under no other circumstances.

Calls made either in person or by card, during an illness of your
own, must be returned as soon as you are able to go abroad again.

It is a breach of etiquette to remove the gloves when making a
formal call.

It is a breach of etiquette to stare round a room when you are
making a call.

In paying visits of condolence, let your dress be subdued. It is
offensive to put on your gayest attire to call upon a friend in
affliction, and equally so to converse upon such subjects as
balls, opera or similar amusements. Let the mourner decide whether
to speak of the recent sorrow or not.

A lady who allows remarks to be made upon a caller, who has just
left the room, commits not only a breach of etiquette, but a
positive rudeness and ill-natured act. It is quite easy to check
any such disposition by a grave reserve, and to turn the
conversation at once.

Calls in the country may be less ceremonious, and of longer
duration than those in the city.

It is an ostentation almost unkind for a lady to call upon a
friend in reduced circumstances, with any parade of her own wealth
in equipage or dress.

No mistress of the house may ever leave the room when there are
visitors in it.

It is a breach of etiquette for a caller, who is waiting the
entrance of the hostess, to open the piano, or to touch it if it
is open.

It is a breach of etiquette to walk round the room when waiting
for your hostess, examining the furniture or pictures.

It is a breach of etiquette for a caller to open or shut a door,
raise or lower a window curtain, or in any way alter the
arrangement of a room.

Many consider a clock on a drawing-room mantel a breach of
etiquette, as it seems to hint to visitors to keep early hours.

It is a breach of etiquette to turn your chair so as to bring your
back to any one seated near to you.

It is a breach of etiquette when making a call, to play with any
ornament in the room, finger the furniture or seem indeed to be
aware of anything but the company present.

To prolong a call to the next meal time is a positive rudeness, as
it forces your hostess to invite you to the table whether
convenient and agreeable or not.

In calling upon friends at a boardinghouse or a hotel, always
write their names above your own upon your card, that it may be
certain to be delivered to the right person.


CONVERSATION.

THERE are several principal rules of etiquette which must be
rigidly observed in conversation, the non-observance of which will
at once stamp the guilty party as ignorant of the forms and
customs of polite society.

Ungrammatical expressions are unfortunately too common even
amongst those who have not the excuse of ignorance, but who fall
into the use of them merely from carelessness, or unconscious
imitation of others. "Says she to me," and other vulgarisms of a
like type, are also a gross violation of good taste in
conversation.

The personal pronouns should be used as little as possible when
speaking of any one, either present or absent. The name of the
lady or gentleman to whom reference is made should be repeated if
necessary, but under no circumstances should the words "she" or
"he," accompanied by a nod or jerk of the thumb, in the direction
of the person spoken of, be employed. Never talk of any one with
whom you may have held intercourse as "that party," or "a party"
of your acquaintance.

Avoid as utterly hateful the use of slang terms. There are surely
words enough in the English language to express all the thoughts
and ideas of the mind, and it is a sign of pure vulgarity to
employ synonyms, the only remarkable part of which is that they
derive their existence solely from vulgar sources. In a gentleman
such expressions are too suggestive of low company, and
intercourse with the worst associates, and in a lady such
expressions are too offensive to be tolerated at all in good
society. Slang never ornamented conversation, but it invariably
sullies and degrades it. Equally to be censured as a violation of
etiquette, and more so in a moral point of view, is the use of
profanity; it is a sure mark, not only of low-breeding, but of a
narrow, degraded if not a positively vicious mind. Lamont says:

"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never
was a man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears
that men pay for swearing, but it seldom happens that  they are
paid for it. It is not easy to perceive what honor or credit is
connected with it. Does any man receive promotion because he is a
notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity because he is
expert at profane swearing? Never. Low must be the character which
such impertinence will exalt: high must be the character which
such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must
be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to support
it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist his revenge; the
ambitious man his preferments; the miser his gold; but the common
swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for
naught, and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing
is void of all plea, it is not the native offspring of the soul,
nor interwoven with the texture of the body, nor any how allied to
our frame. For, as Tillotson expresses it,'Though some men pour
out oaths as if they were natural, yet no man was ever born of a
swearing constitution.' But it is a custom, a low and paltry
custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits who have no sense of
honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to substitute some
rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense. Hence
the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the
silliness of those who adopt it."

It is exceedingly rude, nothing in fact can be more so, to talk to
any one person in the presence of others, in a language not
understood save by the two persons using it--unless you are
addressing a foreigner in his own tongue, and then others should
be made aware of the subject discussed. Nothing can be in worse
taste than to speak in an unknown tongue, to laugh and joke in a
language which leaves the rest of the company in ignorance whether
they themselves may not be the subjects of your remarks or mirth.

Never hold your companion, in a conversation, by the buttonhole.
If you are obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you
wish, you are pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome,
and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing.

To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms, understood
by him alone, as "G---, I saw Mr. H., to-day, and delivered your
message," is as rude as if you went up to G--- and whispered in
his ear.

Do not interlard your conversation with scraps of foreign
language. It is an affectation of knowledge in one direction, and
a sort of tacit admission of ignorance in another; for it would
seem to show that the speaker was not well enough acquainted with
his own language to be able to express by its aid that which could
really be told as well, perhaps better, by it than any other.
There are certain expressions, chiefly French, which have become
domesticated in the English language, and which may occasionally
be employed, but only when they come in very aptly; the constant
or extended use of them is intolerable in good society.

Quotations are to be avoided as much as possible. When made, they
should be exceedingly short. There can scarcely be a greater
annoyance to a company than for one person to take up all the time
and attention by reciting a poem, a speech, a passage from a book,
especially if it be the speaker's own book, speech or poem. Of
course, if the company meet especially for mutual enjoyment in
elocution or recitation, this rule does not apply. It is
applicable only for general society. Short, pungent, epigrammatic
quotations, if suitable to the subject of conversation, may be
occasionally introduced, but their use should be the exception,
not the rule.

Dr. Johnson says that in order to converse well, "there must, in
the first place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the
second place, there must be a command of words; in the third
place, there must be imagination to place things in such views as
they are not commonly seen in; and in the fourth place, there must
be a presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be overcome
by failure--this last is an essential requisite; for want of it
many people do not excel in conversation."

 To be known as an inveterate teller of stories, is a great injury
to a man in society. A short, brilliant anecdote, that is
especially applicable to the conversation, known to be new and
never printed, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit
himself to inflict.

Remarks having, and intended to have, a double meaning--even puns
--are utterly to be deprecated. It is a great liberty to appeal to
the private sympathies of any one, by which I mean, to those
qualities or perceptions which are, as it were, a man's private
property, available for the use of his intimate friends, but not
for the general public. It seems almost needless to say that under
no circumstances whatever are any coarse allusions permissible.

Trite remarks are simply drags upon conversation, and may produce
awkward effects. It is told of Charles Lamb, that he was one day
at dinner at a friend's house, where amongst a number of literary
men was a solitary individual who had been invited for no apparent
reason. The poor man thought that, being in such company, it
behoved him to talk of some one or something literary. In an evil
moment he said, without being conscious of the triteness of his
remark: "Do you not think, sir, that Milton was a great genius?"
Charles Lamb gazed at him curiously, rose, went to the sideboard
and lighted a candle, with which he advanced, in solemn wise, to
where the trite talker sat, and said as one who is about to look
at some unusual object of interest-holding his candle near the
poor man's head the while: "Will you allow me to examine this
gentleman's pericranium?" Lamb was undoubtedly rude, but the other
gave him enormous provocation.

Political and religious topics are not in good taste in general
conversation. It is almost impossible to avoid strong personal
feeling when a difference of opinion arises, and such discussions
almost invariably lead to more warmth of expression and violence
of argument than are compatible with the requirements of polite
conversation.

To listen with interest and attention is as important in polite
society as to converse well, and it is in the character of
listener that the elegant refinement of a man accustomed to
society will soonest prove itself. No matters how "flat, stale and
unprofitable," the remarks of another may be, the well-bred man
will listen with an appearance at least of interest, replying in
such a manner as to show that he entirely "follows the thread of
the discourse."

Avoid as much as possible all egotism; in conversation stick
closely to Cardinal Wolsey's direction to "love thyself last." It
is, to say the least of it, unseemly for a man to be constantly
making himself the subject of conversation. At times it lays a man
open to the attacks which his style certainly invites--as was the
case with the egotist who dared to talk much of himself in the
presence of Dr. Johnson, whom he had greatly irritated by his
conceited talk. The Doctor availed himself of an opportunity to
crush him.

"Oh, indeed, I did not know that!" exclaimed the man, upon some
intelligent remark made by one of the company, whereupon the
Doctor broke in with: "Sir, what you do not know would fill a very
large library."

There used to be a joke against Lord, Erskine, who was notably a
talker of himself, that the printer, having to print a speech
which his lordship had delivered, sent word to say that "he was
very sorry, but he had no more 'I's' in his founts than would
suffice to set up half the speech."

The subject of conversation and the method of handling it should
be so ordered as not to offend either directly or indirectly.

Suitable subjects, for time and place, form an important
consideration in polite conversation. Grave tones and important
consideration are not suited for the chit-chat of a brief call or
a social evening, nor is small talk an appropriate introduction,
when the meetings are for the purpose of discussing serious
matters. Let gayety or gravity rule as place and occasion demand.

Gesticulations are in excessively bad taste. If you do not wish to
attract censorious remark, converse quietly and without gesture.
Declamation is not conversation.

Refrain from the use of satire, even if you are master of the art.
It is permissible only as a guard against impertinence, or for the
purpose of checking personalities, or troublesome intrusions.
Under no circumstances whatever should it be used merely for
amusement's sake, to produce an effect, or in order to show off
one's own wit. It must never be employed by a gentleman against a
lady, though ladies are prone to indulge in the use of this wordy
weapon. Their acknowledged position should, in the eyes of a true
gentleman, shield them from all shafts of satire. If they, on the
other hand, choose to indulge in satire, it is the part of a
gentleman to remonstrate gently, and if the invective be
continued, to withdraw. There was a case in point during the
Austro-Prussian war. The Grand Duchess of ---, being visited by a
Prussian General on business, took occasion to pour forth upon him
the unmeasured violence of her temper, which had naturally enough
been disturbed by the success that had attended the Prussian arms,
and had been at the same time so injurious to her husband's
interests. The Prussian General remonstrated, at first mildly; the
invective still flowed, when the General said he would not have
believed that a Prussian officer could have been called upon to
endure such abuse from the lips of a high-born lady. Still the
Grand Duchess continuing to ignore the object of the General's
visit, and continuing also to pour forth the bitterness of her
spirit upon him, the soldier withdrew, not returning railing for
railing, but simply declaring that the language used towards him
was absolutely intolerable.

Do not attempt to speak with the mouth full.

Do not, however much you may be pleased with any remark, cry out
"Bravo!" clap your hands, or permit any gesture, silent or
otherwise, to mark your appreciation of it. A quiet expression of
pleasure, or the smiling lip will show quite as plainly your sense
of the wit, or fitness of the remark.

If you are flattered, repel it by quiet gravity. You cannot accept
it without also accepting the contempt of the person who offers
it. Refrain, too, from expressions of flattery to others; you will
surely offend any hearer who has delicacy of feeling and
refinement.

If an error in language, either in pronunciation or grammar,
escapes those with whom you are conversing, never show that you
notice it. To take occasion to repeat correctly the same word or
phrase, is ill-bred in the extreme, and as much so to correct it
when spoken.

In addressing any one and in general conversation, it will be well
to bear in mind the advice of Polonius to his son Laertes: "Be
thou familiar, but by no means vulgar;" but unless you have
special reason, do not too closely adhere to his precept, "Give
every man thine ear, but not thy tongue." This will only serve to
make you appear reserved and reticent, when to be so would be not
only out of place, but ill-bred. In society, a man should make
himself as agreeable as he can, doing his best to assist
conversation, as well by talking gracefully and easily, as by
listening patiently, even though it be to a twice-told tale.

Do not whistle, loll about, scratch your head, or fidget with any
portion of your dress while speaking. 'Tis excessively awkward,
and indicative of low-breeding.

Strictly avoid anything approaching to absence of mind. There can
be nothing more offensive than a pre-occupied vacant expression,
an evident abstraction of self at the very time you are supposed
to be listening attentively to all that is being said to you. Lord
Chesterfield said: "When I see a man absent in mind. I choose to
be absent in body." And there was really much reason in the
remark.

Whispering is atrocious, and cannot be tolerated. It is almost as
bad to endeavor to draw one person from a general conversation
into a _tete-a-tete_ discussion. Private affairs must be delayed
for private interviews.

If, however, you find others have been guilty of this breach of
etiquette, and you are so placed as to overhear what is intended
to be a secret communication, you may with perfect propriety
change your seat, or if this is not practicable, inform the
persons so conversing, that their voices are audible to you.

Unless you are actually afflicted with deafness, never ask to have
a sentence repeated. It implies a wandering attention. If your
hearing is defective, say so, and your companion will raise his
voice.

Never interrupt a speaker. It is equally rude to supply words over
which your companion may hesitate a moment. Do not be guilty of a
rough comment on what has been said, by such remarks as, "Yes, you
mean so-and-so." If you understand such to be the meaning of a
remark, act or answer accordingly; if you are uncertain, try to
find out in some way that will not wound the feelings of the
speaker.

In general conversation avoid argument. It is too engrossing of
attention, and is moreover apt to break in upon the harmony of the
company. If obliged to discuss a point, do so with suavity,
contradicting, if necessary, with extreme courtesy, and if you see
no prospect of agreement, finishing off with some happy good-
natured remark to prove that you are not hurt or offended.

When addressing a person, look in his or her face, not staringly,
but frankly, never fixing your eyes on the carpet or your boots.

Speak clearly and distinctly, never mumbling your words, and while
avoiding a shouting tone, speak loudly enough to ensure your
remarks being heard. A very low tone of voice will be heard if the
words are clearly articulated and spoken slowly enough for perfect
distinctness, and is much more agreeable than hurried, garbled
speech loudly uttered.

Do not sit too close to your companion in conversation, and avoid
any appearance of wishing secrecy.

Loud laughing and giggling are in excessively bad taste. Do not
interrupt yourself by laughing at what you are about to say.

Eschew scandal, for "in scandal as in robbery, the receiver is
always thought as bad as the thief." Mimicry is the lowest and
most ill-bred of all buffoonery.

Swearing, sneering, private affairs either of yourself or any
other, have long ago been banished out of the conversation of
well-mannered people.

Never suppose, or never appear to suppose yourself the subject of
the conversation or laugh of the company.

Bashfulness is an inconvenient quality, which a great authority
has stated to be "the distinguishing character of a booby."
Nicknames are abominable, and are never allowed in good society.
Call people and things by their right names, and avoid
affectations of all kinds.

If your friends become the subject of conversation, never compare
one with another, or mention the vices of one to add to the lustre
of virtue of the other. Find something pleasant to say of each,
that you may not earn the reputation of a backbiter.

In conversing with a foreigner, betray no impatience if he
hesitates for a word to express himself, nor any ridicule if his
language is faulty. If you speak his own tongue, say so when you
begin the conversation, as this is never a mere display of an
accomplishment, but a true kindness to "a stranger in a strange
land." You are almost certain to give pleasure by so doing.

To speak constantly of public characters or distinguished people
as your intimate friends, even if they are so, is a certain mark
of low-breeding. Boasting of your own position, wealth, luxuries
or possessions of any kind is in equally bad taste.

Never speak to a literary person of his works. You may by an apt
quotation or pleasant remark show that you are familiar with them,
but to question an author about his profession is ill bred. It is
equally so to speak of business matters to any man in general
society. Business men do not go into the world of polite society
to carry their shop, and they will not thank you for reminding
them of work in their hours of relaxation.

Do not commence any conversation by the suggestion of painful or
disagreeable topics. To ask a friend abruptly, "For whom are you
in mourning?" may be tearing open anew a wound that was covered
for the time by intercourse with society. Take other steps to
satisfy yourself on this point. By the same token, do not say to a
man, "That was an unfortunate affair, that failure of yours."
Never, directly or indirectly, rub a sore.

Do not ask questions which relate to the private affairs of the
person spoken to, and be guarded against conduct which may look
like an attempt to force confidence. If too persevering in your
inquiries you may be treated, and very properly, as one might
treat a highwayman who sought to rob one of any other property. A
man's thoughts are certainly his own most private possession, and
you must be very intimate to seek to be admitted to a share in
them. Even if you are so, it is far more delicate to wait until
confidence is offered to you. A man has a perfect right to defend
himself from cross-examination by any means, except positive
falsehood.

In conversing with foreigners do not disparage any of their
national customs, even if they are rude enough to attack yours.
You may, pleasantly and frankly, defend the institutions of your
native land, but not by comparison with the customs of other
countries. If your companion is well-bred, he will admit that you
possibly understand American customs better than a foreigner can
do; if he is a low-bred man, no rudeness on your part will correct
his manners or views.

Subjects or incidents calculated to disgust the hearers, are to be
avoided in polite conversation. There is a positive fascination to
some people in describing sickening or revolting scenes, but well-
bred people will remember that some are sensitive upon such
subjects, and all would prefer more agreeable topics.

Do not use surnames alone, even if speaking of intimate friends.
For a lady to speak of her husband as "Smith" or "Jones," is
vulgar in the extreme, and it is low-bred also to say "my
husband," "my wife" or, except amongst relatives, to use the
Christian name only, in speaking of husband or wife. Speak of your
own husband or wife as, "Mr." or "Mrs. B---," and of your friends
also by the surname prefix as, "Remember me to Mr. or Mrs. D."

Let no more than one person be speaking at one time.

Ridicule and personal joking cannot be too severely censured.

Avoid an officious offer of advice or your own opinion, and if you
do give an opinion, be sure it is given as such and not as a fact.

If you would preserve a character for truthfulness, avoid the too
common fault of exaggeration.

When visiting, be careful that you do not appear to undervalue
anything around you by comparing it with what you have at home.

Beware of personal abuse or invective. Remember what Shakespeare
put into the month of Cardinal Wolsey, when the Earl of Surrey
said to him on his disgrace:

"Now if you can blush and cry 'guilty' Cardinal,
You'll show a little honesty."

Mark the proud dignity of the prelate's reply:

"Speak on, sir;
I dare your worst objections: If I blush
It is to see a nobleman want manners."

Punning is a vulgarism that should be scrupulously avoided. An
inveterate punster, though his play upon words may rise to the
keenest wit, is yet an insufferable bore. No one feels secure in
his society, or can guess what word may be torn out of a serious
or brilliant remark to be tortured into a vulgar witticism, out of
place and uncalled for.

Proverbs are not in good taste when introduced into conversation.

Scriptural phrases are apt to subject the speaker to a suspicion
of insincerity, and should be used very seldom, and with the
utmost reverence.

Cant is simply detestable.

Religion is a subject too apt to lead to long arguments if not to
positive altercation to be the subject of general conversation.

Repartee is not a weapon for every-day use. There are few who can
wield this polished blade skillfully, and when clumsy hands grasp
it, it will wound both speaker and hearer.

The talented author of "Good Society," says:

"The great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation as
skillfully as may be to your company. Some men make a point of
talking commonplace to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only
be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what
respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman,
and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which
ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman of sense has as much right
to be annoyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary education by the
other. You cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman of refinement
and _esprit_, than by leading the conversation into such a channel
as may mark your appreciation of her superior attainments.

"It should be remembered that people take more interest in their
own affairs than in anything else which you can name. In _tete-a-
tete_ conversations, therefore, lead a mother to talk of her
children, a young lady of her last ball, an author of his
forthcoming book, or an artist of his exhibition picture. Having
furnished the topic, you need only listen; and you are thought not
only agreeable, but thoroughly sensible, amiable and well-
informed.

"Be careful, on the other hand, not always to make a point of
talking to persons upon general matters relating to their
professions. To show an interest in their immediate concerns is
flattering, but to converse with them too much about their own art
or profession, looks as if you thought them ignorant of other
topics.

"Remember in conversation that a voice 'gentle and low' is, above
all other extraneous accomplishments, an excellent thing in woman.
There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is
peculiar to persons only of the best breeding. It is better to err
by the use of too low than too loud a tone. Loud laughter is
extremely objectionable in society.

"Conversation is a reflex of character. The pretentious, the
illiterate, the impatient, the curious, will as inevitably betray
their idiosyncrasies as the modest, the even tempered and the
generous. Strive as we may, we cannot always be acting. Let us,
therefore, cultivate a tone of mind, and a habit of life, the
betrayal of which need not put us to shame in the company of the
pure and wise, and the rest will be easy. If we make ourselves
worthy of refined and intelligent society, we shall not be
rejected from it; and in such society we shall acquire by example
all that we have failed to learn from precept."

If you are conversing, when interrupted by a visitor, and, after
the customary greetings, resume the conversation, you must
recapitulate the substance of it for the benefit of the new comer.

To invariably commence a conversation by remarks on the weather
shows a poverty of ideas that is truly pitiable.

Do not constantly repeat the name of a person with whom you are
conversing.

A person who has travelled will probably be severely ridiculed if
constantly referring to "the winter I spent in Florence," or "when
I was in London."

If conversation takes a tone that is offensive to good taste,
charity or justice, be silent.

Do not be too ready to correct any statement you may deem untrue.
You may be yourself mistaken.


INVITATIONS.

ALL invitations, excepting dinner invitations, are issued in the
name of the lady of the house alone. Dinner invitations are issued
in the name of the gentleman and lady of the house, or when
extended to gentlemen only, in the name of the host alone. Answers
to invitations, excepting such dinner invitations as are issued in
the name of the gentleman only, must be addressed to the lady of
the house.

When invitations are issued in the height of a fashionable season,
it is best to send them out at least a fortnight beforehand. For a
small company, and when gayety is not at its height, a week's
notice is sufficient. For a costume ball, private theatricals or
any occasion when elaborate dresses or preparations are needed, a
month should be given.

Printed cards of invitation are not _en regle_, excepting for
public occasions. A small note paper is the only appropriate one,
and may have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, and
the envelope. Any more fanciful decoration is in excessively bad
taste.

The proper form for a dinner invitation is:

"Mr. and Mrs. G--- request the favor of Mr. and Mrs. L---'s
company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 8th of January, at 5 o'clock."

Or,

"Mr. G--- requests the pleasure of Mr. L ---'s company at dinner,
on Tuesday, the 8th of January, at 5 o'clock."

The answer accepting the invitation should run as follows:

"Mr. and Mrs. L--- have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and Mrs. G-
--'s kind invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."

If declined, the following form must be used:

"Mr. and Mrs. L--- regret that a prior engagement (or other reason
stated) will prevent their accepting Mr. and Mrs. G---'s kind
invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."

Should the invitation be declined, some reason for the refusal
must be given, and, unless an excuse (which always savors more or
less of the untruthful) be wanted, it is the truest politeness to
assign the cause which actually is the preventive. Whatever the
cause--sickness, domestic trouble, business or any other--it
should be stated as concisely as possible in the answer, which in
any case should be dispatched as soon as possible (certainly the
next day) after the receipt of the invitation, that the hostess
may have time to summon other guests in the stead of those
declining her first invitations.

After an invitation is once accepted, it should be scrupulously
observed. Nothing but the most absolute necessity should prevent
you from going, and when such necessity arises, it should be
communicated directly, with a full explanation of the preventing
cause even if it is within half an hour of the appointed dinner
time. If earlier, send the explanation as soon as possible.

Invitations to dinner and the answers must be sent by a special
messenger. The post is proverbially uncertain, and the non-arrival
of an expected invitation or its answer, may cause lasting
offence.

It is a breach of etiquette, to say nothing of practical
inconvenience, to bring an unassorted company together at dinner.
Great people, public characters, literary celebrities or
distinguished guests from any cause should not be invited merely
because they are such. They will be uncomfortable if the guests
summoned to meet them are not congenial, and the remainder of your
company equally so. No one guest should be too conspicuous. A
harmonious blending of tastes and qualities should be the object
in view. Persons moving in one circle of society should not, as a
general rule, be invited to meet those who move in another circle.
A man of strong political bias in one direction, should not be
invited to meet a party opposed to his views; persons of known and
marked differences in religious matters should not be invited to
meet each other, and above all, avoid the social collision of
those whom you know to be personal enemies. The best guide in such
matters is common sense, coupled with a little judicious
forethought.

Invitations to large balls should be sent out at least a fortnight
before the time appointed, and are worded thus:

"Mrs. L---'s compliments to Miss G---, and requests the pleasure
of her company at a ball, on Wednesday, the 7th of March, at 9
o'clock."

The answer is as follows:

"Miss G---'s compliments to Mrs. L---, and accepts with pleasure
her kind invitation for Wednesday, March 7th."

Or,

"Miss G--- regrets a recent death in her family will prevent her
accepting Mrs. L---'s kind invitation for March 7th."

An invitation to an evening party is worded:

"Mrs. S--- compliments to Mr. and Mrs. T---, and requests the
pleasure of their company on March 9th, at 8 o'clock."

Such an invitation calls for full evening dress. The answer is the
same as for a ball invitation.

Invitations to pic-nics, private theatricals, concerts, tea
parties and other entertainments, generally state the nature of
such entertainment, and are a little less formal than those
already given.

For a musical party:

"Mrs. R-- requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. P---'s company, on
Thursday evening, Feb. 10th, at 8 o'clock, to meet the members of
the Harmonia Musical Society."

And if you have a programme of the concert, enclose it.

Or,

"Mrs. F--- expects a few friends on Monday evening next, at 8
o'clock, to take part in some dramatic readings, and would be
happy to have Miss B--- join the party."

Or,

"Mrs. S---'s compliments to Miss P---, and would be pleased to
have her join a pic-nic party to Pine Grove, on Wednesday, June
14th. Carriages start from Mrs. S---'s at 9 o'clock, and a place
will be reserved for Miss P---."

Notes of invitation must always be dated, and your address in full
written in one corner, thus:

"Feb. 6th, 18--.
"Miss M---. requests the pleasure of Miss N---'s company to a
small evening party, on Friday evening next, at 8 o'clock.
"No. 762 R--- Street."

The body of the invitation must be in the middle of the sheet, and
date a little above to the right, the address a little below to
the left.

The envelopes containing invitations must be directed always to
the private residence of the person invited, never to a place of
business or office.

When the officers of a regiment or a ship are invited to an
entertainment, and it is not possible to invite them all, it is
customary to send an invitation to the Colonel or Commander,
accompanied by a certain number of blank tickets, if it be a
public ball, or by an intimation that the host would be glad to
see Colonel or Captain --- and so many of the officers of the
regiment or ship.

Invitations by a regiment to a ball, to be given by the officers,
are worded as follows:

"Col. and the officers of the --- Regiment, U. S. A. (or other
branch of the service), request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. C---
's company on the 7th of December, at 9 o'clock.
"R--- Barracks, corner of --- and --- Streets."

Answers should be addressed to the Colonel of the regiment, and
worded thus:

"Mr. and Mrs. C's compliments to Colonel -- and the officers of
the - Regiment, U. S. A., and accept with pleasure their polite
invitation for the 7th of December."

In case an officer desires to invite his personal friends, he
encloses his own card in the invitation, but these must all be
issued in the form already given, the card explaining to which
officer the compliment is to be attributed.

Invitations to a Naval ball are issued in the name of the "Captain
and officers of the U. S. Ship ---," or simply in the name of "The
Officers of the U. S. Ship ---."

On the corner of the card the name of the officer to whom the
answers are to be sent, should be written.

An officer of higher rank, or a public official of high position,
will signify on his card what aide-de-camp or clerk is to receive
the answers to his invitations, and will issue them in the joint
name of himself and wife, thus:

"General and Mrs. E--- request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. D---'s
company, on Thursday, the 6th of November, at 8 o'clock.
"Direct answers to Capt. E. C---."

Verbal invitations are given only when the occasion is a very
informal one, and imply plain dress, early hours and a small
company.

Invitations to concerts, theatre or opera, should be sent in time
to secure good seats, if accepted, The usual style is:

"Mr. G would be much pleased to have Mrs. and Miss Hunt's company
at the opera, on Wednesday evening, when La Trovatore will be
performed by the Italian troupe at the Academy of Music."

Such an invitation calls for an immediate answer from the elder
lady, and should be as follows:

"Mrs. and Miss Hunt accept with pleasure Mr. G---'s polite
invitation to listen to a favorite opera on Wednesday evening."

Or if declined:

"Mrs. Hunt regrets that a prior engagement will prevent her own
and Miss Hunt's acceptance of Mr. G---'s polite invitation for
Wednesday evening."

For a general reception, invitations are printed upon cards, thus:

"Wednesday Evening, January 14th, No. 348 --- STREET."

Such cards do not require any answer.


DINNER COMPANY.

ON no occasion is a want of punctuality more ill-bred than at a
dinner party, whether it is the guests who are late, or the
hostess who allows dinner to be later than the time appointed.
Belie remarks, with as much truth as sarcasm:

"I have always been punctual to the hour of dinner, for I know
that those whom I kept waiting would employ those unpleasant
moments to sum up all my faults."

To arrive too early is to annoy the lady of the house by
disturbing her at her toilet.

To arrive too late is injurious to the dinner, to the temper of
your host, of the other guests and of the servants.

It is really a sad breach of etiquette to be later than the hour
named in your invitation for dinner, and from ten to fifteen
minutes before it is quite soon enough for your arrival.

As regards the hour for dinner, etiquette, strictly so called, has
not prescribed anything. Custom, the fashion, convenience, a score
of things may control it. From five to eight o'clock, according
somewhat to the season of the year, is the present fashionable
limit. By that time the business of most men is over for the day,
which can scarcely be said of an hour earlier than five.

The lady of the house should be in her drawing-room, ready to
receive her guests, ten or fifteen minutes before the hour fixed
for their arrival, and the daughters of the house should be with
her, and not drop in one by one after the guests' arrival. The
gentleman of the house should also be present, and in case it is a
strictly gentleman's party, at which no hostess presides, he must
be all ready before the appointed time to do the honors.

On guests being announced, the lady advances a few steps towards
them, and should receive them cordially with some words of
welcome.

The hostess must never betray any chagrin at the lateness of a
guest, but try to place the unfortunate last arrival as much at
ease as possible by her cordial welcome and unembarrassed manner.

Before all the guests have arrived the lady should have made her
arrangements as to what gentleman and lady are to go in to dinner
together, and before dinner is announced the gentlemen of the
party should be informed what lady they are to escort to the
table.

The gentleman of the house offers his arm to the lady most honored
amongst the guests, the gentleman most distinguished offers his
arm to the lady of the house.

Gentlemen give the left arm to a lady, excepting military officers
in full dress, who give the right arm, as the sword is
inconveniently worn for offering the left. In all other cases the
right arm must be left free.

The order of procession being settled, the company move according
to it from the drawing-room to the dining-room, as soon as dinner
is announced.

The host sits at the bottom of the table, the hostess at the top.
At the right of the host is placed the lady he escorted from the
drawing-room, and at the right of the hostess her escort. The next
place of honor is at the left of the hostess.

It is a good plan, and rapidly becoming an established custom, to
have small cards with the names of the guests written upon them,
laid upon the plate at each seat. Each one thus taking the place
assigned prevents confusion, and gives the hostess the privilege
of placing near to each other the guests who will prove mutually
agreeable.

Gentlemen should stand behind their respective chairs until all
the ladies are seated, and then take their own seats, being
careful that their chairs do not stand upon the dresses of the
ladies beside them.

Seats having been apportioned to all, grace is said, by a
clergyman if there is one present, if not, by the host. The
clergyman should be invited to say grace by the host.

If the dinner is _a la Russe_, there will not be any carving done
on the table itself.

If the party is small, mere _en famille_, the hostess will have a
dish before her, the contents of which will have to be carved. The
gentleman on her right hand should in that case offer to carve for
her, but if she declines, should not press the offer. Many ladies
are excellent carvers, and like to appear so.

There is no space in our little volume for directions upon
carving, nor do they form any portion of the art of etiquette. All
that etiquette has to say on the subject is that you must not
stand up to carve; you must not pursue the bird, joint or whatever
the meat may be, all round the dish; nor should you comment upon
the age of the fowl, the toughness of the meat or your own
awkwardness in carving. If you really do not understand it, do not
attempt it; say so and let the waiter cut it up.

Never be helped twice to soup or fish, and indeed it appears low
bred to be twice served to any one dish. You may refuse either
soup or fish, but make no comment if you do, as to your liking or
dislike for the dish, nor is it incumbent upon you to state that
"soup does not agree with you," or that "fish always make you
ill;" any such remarks are rude. Simply to say "no, thank you," in
refusing a dish, is all the reply that strict etiquette will allow
upon the subject.

No remarks should be made by the host or hostess on the refusal of
a guest to partake of a proffered dish. Pressing the food upon a
guest with "Oh, do take some," or "You must, it was made by so-
and-so," or indeed any remark upon the repast, is not only
annoying to the guest, but a proof of low-breeding in the
entertainers. There is a sort of hospitality about it, but it is a
rough barbarism. Who does not remember the description of Bridget
Elias' hospitable _gaucherie_ in Charles Lamb's "Poor Relation,"
when urging the poor relation to eat with the speech: "Do take
some more; remember you do not get pudding every day."

Never should a host or hostess apologize for the fare set before
their guest. Such apologies are generally a mere fishing for
compliment, untrue and in entirely bad taste. In inviting his
friends to dinner, the host binds himself to set before them the
best his house and purse can afford, and if the fare is good the
guest will soon find it out, if bad, no apologies will make it any
better.

It is in bad taste to apologize to the waiters for the trouble
given them, and betrays a lamentable ignorance of the customs of
society. They are hired to wait upon the guests, and it is no
affair of those guests how they feel, as long as they discharge
their duty. To reprove a waiter is the height of ill-breeding.

Do not, when a dish is brought to you, say you prefer to be helped
after some one else. Accept or refuse what is offered to you, and
let the waiter pass the dish on. A gentleman, however, will see
that the lady he has escorted to the table is helped as she
wishes, before he attends to his own dinner, but to interfere with
the lady on the other side of him is all insult to her escort. He
may ask the lady under his care if she will be helped from any
dish offered him, before he accepts or declines for himself, and
will issue her orders for her to the waiter when she selects her
dinner.

A gentleman or a lady will always say "Thank you" to a waiter,
but nothing more.

A guest must never find fault with any dish placed before him, and
to appear to question the quality or freshness of the viands by
smelling or fastidiously tasting them, is a positive insult to the
gentleman who has invited him to his table.

A host or hostess may never find fault before their guests,
neither with the dinner, with the servants, nor with each other.
Burnt soup, fish boiled to rags, underdone vegetables, heavy
pastry, must be endured with smiling equanimity. No scowl must
greet the crash that announces the fall of a tray of the finest
glass, no word of remonstrance greet the deluge of a plate of soup
over the tablecloth. If care has not been taken to secure first-
rate cooks and well-trained waiters, the faults of omission and
commission must be endured with placid serenity.

After the ladies have all been served, the guests to the right of
the hostess must be attended to, then the guest on her left, and
so on until all are served. Ten persons are all that one cook can
properly prepare a dinner for, and three waiters will be amply
employed in waiting upon that number. If more are invited the
attempt to make the conversation general had better not be made,
but the guests allowed to converse _tete-a-tete_.

Wine should be handed by the waiters after soup. To decline wine
by covering the mouth of the wine-glass with the hand is an ill-
bred gesture. Say simply "Not any, thank you," and the waiter will
not fill your glass.

Fish follows next in order. A slice, neatly _cut_, not hashed up
by bad carving, should be placed upon each plate, with a slice of
egg, and fish sauce. If there be a silver knife, use it to cut the
fish. If  not, take your fork in your right hand and supply the
place of the knife by a small piece of bread, which you should cut
off, and when your fish is eaten, leave upon your plate.

Do not eat as if you had good fare for the first time in your
life--that is to say, do not eat ravenously, and do not eat in a
noticeable way.

Never smack the lips when eating.


Never take a long, deep breath after you finish eating, as if the
exercise had fatigued you.

Never make noises in your mouth or throat.

Never suck your teeth, or pass your tongue round the outside of
your gums.

Never, even with cheese, put your knife into your mouth.

Never pick your teeth, or put your finger into your mouth.

If you find you have a fish-bone in your mouth, cover your lips
with a napkin to remove it. It is better to be very careful to
remove all bones before putting fish into your mouth. On no
account spit the bones out upon your plate.

Never take the bones of fowl or birds up in your fingers to gnaw or
suck them. Remove the meat with your knife, and convey it to your
mouth with your fork, never being too eager to clean off every
particle of flesh.

Wipe your finger tips, if soiled, upon the table napkin, never
upon your tongue or the table-cloth. An elegant eater will never
have occasion to think of his fingers.

Never use the table-cloth to wipe your mouth, you might as well
use it in place of your pocket handkerchief.

Never remark upon what is placed before you, either in praise or
dispraise of it.

Neither drink nor speak when you have anything in your mouth.

When you are helped, begin to eat, without regard to those who
have already, or have not yet, been helped.

Never watch the dishes as they are uncovered, nor make any
exclamation when you see their contents.

Under no circumstances tuck your napkin, bib-fashion, into your
shirt collar. Unfold it partially and put it in your lap, covering
your knees. A lady may slip a corner under her belt if there is
danger of its slipping upon her dress, but a gentleman must be
awkward indeed if he lets his napkin fall upon the floor.

No gentleman will ever settle himself in his chair, pushing back
his cuffs, as if for a "set-to," at the table.

If you make any general remark, do not look up at the waiters to
see what effect it has upon them. If they are well-trained they
will not move a muscle at hearing the most laughable story, nor
will they give any sign whatever that they have not closed their
ears like deaf adders to all that has been going on. In any case,
however, you must refrain from noticing them.

If you want anything, take the occasion of a waiter being near to
you, to ask for it in an undertone. To shout out "Waiter!" or
order one about, as if you were in a restaurant, is a certain mark
of ill-breeding.

Unless the party is a very small one, general conversation is
impossible. In such a case, you must converse with those on either
side of you, not confining your remarks exclusively to one.

Talk in a low, quiet tone, but never in a whisper.

To affect an air of mystery or secrecy at a dinner-table, is an
insult to your companion and company assembled.

It is in bad taste to force the attention of the company upon
yourself by loud talking or loud laughing.

Too many jokes or anecdotes are in bad taste, but the subjects for
conversation should not be too serious.

Any gentleman propounding a conundrum at the dinner-table deserves
to be taken away by the police.

To use one's own knife, spoon or fingers, instead of the
butterknife, sugar-tongs or salt-spoons, is to persuade the
company that you have never seen the latter articles before, and
are unacquainted with their use.

Never eat all that is on your plate, and above all never be guilty
of the _gaucherie_ of scraping your plate, or passing your bread
over it as if to clean it.

Never fill your mouth so full that you cannot converse; at the
same time avoid the appearance of merely playing with your food.
Eat in small mouthfuls, and rather slowly than rapidly.

If upon opening fruit you find it is not perfect, or there is a
worm in it, pass your plate quietly and without remark to the
waiter, who will bring you a clean one.

None but a low-bred clown will ever carry fruit or _bon bons_ away
from the table.

Drinking wine with people is an old custom, but it will now-adays
be found to exist only among the past or passing generation. If
you are, however, asked to take wine with any one, you should fill
your glass with the same sort of wine your friend has, and raise
it to your lips. You need only taste, not act upon the principle
of "no heel-taps."

A man would be looked upon as a curiosity, nay, many would not
understand what he meant, who should at the present day propose a
"sentiment" before drinking wine.

Never spit from your mouth the skins of grapes, the stones or pips
of fruits. Receive them upon the prongs of your fork, laid
horizontally, and place them as conveniently as so inelegant a
process will allow upon the edge of your plate.

Never play with your fingers upon the table.

Never play with your knife and fork, fidget with your salt-cellar,
balance your spoon on your tumbler, make pills of your bread, or
perform any of those vulgar antics unfortunately too often seen at
table.

Never in conversation, illustrate your remarks by plans drawn upon
the table-cloth with your nail, or built of your knife, fork and
spoon.

Never stretch your feet out under the table, so as to touch those
of your opposite neighbor. It is quite as bad to put them up under
you upon the chair-bar, or curl them up under the chair itself.

Try to take an easy position at table, neither pressing closely up
to it, nor yet so far away as to risk depositing your food upon
the floor instead of conveying it to your mouth.

Never touch fruit with your fingers. If you wish to peel an apple,
a pear or a peach, hold the fruit on a fork in your left hand, and
peel with a silver knife in your right. Eat it in small slices cut
from the whole fruit, but never bite it, or anything else at
table. Need I say no fruit should ever be sucked at the table.

When the hostess thinks her lady friends have taken as much
dessert as they wish, she catches the eye of the principal among
them; an interchange of ocular telegraphing takes place, the
hostess rises, and with her all the company rise; the gentlemen
make a passage for the ladies to pass; the one who is nearest to
the door opens it, and holds it open until all the ladies have
passed out of the room.

As soon as the ladies have retired the gentlemen may resume their
seats for more wine and conversation, but it is a very poor
compliment to the lady guests to linger long in the dining-room.

The ladies upon leaving the dining-room, retire to the drawing-
room, and occupy themselves until the gentlemen again join them.
It is well for the hostess to have a reserve force for this
interval, of photographic albums, stereoscopes, annuals, new
music, in fact, all the ammunition she can provide to make this
often tedious interval pass pleasantly.

If you dine in the French fashion, the gentlemen rise with the
ladies, each offering his arm to the lady he escorted to dinner,
and all proceed to the drawing-room together.

If the gentlemen remain to have coffee served in the dining-room,
tea may be served in the drawing-room to the ladies.

Upon returning to the drawing-room the gentlemen should never
cluster round the door, but join the ladies at once, striving to
repay the hospitality of the hostess by making themselves as
agreeable as possible to the guests.

From two to three hours after dinner is the proper time to leave
the house.

If the dinner is for the gentlemen guests alone, and the lady of
house presides, her duties are over when she rises after dessert.
The gentlemen do not expect to find her in the drawing-room again.
In this case cigars may be served with the coffee, and then the
servants may retire, unless especially summoned to wait. If
smoking is indulged in, have placed upon the table a number of
small match boxes, ashes receivers, and between the chairs
spittoons. And here let me add a few words upon smoking taken from
an English authority, but which, with a few exceptions will apply
equally well to lovers of the weed upon this side of the water. He
says:

"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught
our gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant
denounced in a famous 'Counterblast,' which his flattering,
laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed to please his master; which our
wives and sisters protest gives rise to the dirtiest and most
unsociable habit a man can indulge in; of which some fair flowers
declare that they love the smell, and others that they will never
marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally end in
doing); which has won a fame over more space and among better men
than Noah's grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute
about, and boys get sick over; but which is the solace of the
weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of
overwrought brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the
exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of the
philosopher; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go neither
into the the medical nor the moral questions about the dreamy
calming cloud. I will content myself so far with saying what may
be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, that in
moderation it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and what
is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to
the habits and constitution of the subjects. If it cures asthma,
it may destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in
excess, produce a chronic irritability.

"But I will regard it in a social point of view, and, first as a
narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I
believe then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the
passions, and particularly that of the temper. Interested in the
subject, I have taken care to seek instances of members of the
same family having the same violent temper by inheritance, of whom
the one has been calmed down by smoking, and the other gone on in
his passionate course. I believe that it induces a habit of calm
reflectiveness, which causes us to take less prejudiced, perhaps
less zealous views of life, and to be therefore less irritable in
our converse with our fellow-creatures. I am inclined to think
that the clergy, the squirearchy and the peasantry, are the most
prejudiced and most violent classes in this country (England);
there may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that
these are the classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I
confess that it induces a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy
mode of life, which is fatal both to the precision of manners and
the vivacity of conversation. The mind of a smoker is
contemplative rather than active, and if the weed cures our
irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy to
suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and
less smoking in England than in any other country of the the
civilized world. There was more drinking among the gentry of last
century, who never smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well
together. Coffee and beer are its best accompaniments; and the one
cannot intoxicate, the other must be largely imbibed to do so. I
have observed among young bachelors that very little wine is drunk
in their chambers, and that beer is gradually taking its place.
The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from the dinner-table,
where there are no ladies to go to.

"In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has
conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous,
less quarrelsome and even less vicious than it was. Where young
men now blow a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a
fearful consumption of wine; and this in their heads, they were
ready and roused to any iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelors
wife. With it, he can endure solitude longer, and is not forced
into low society in order to shun it. With it, too, the idle can
pass many an hour, which otherwise he would have given, not to
work, but to extravagant follies. With it, he is no longer
restless, and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear
now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the
watch or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or
forty years ago, when smoking was still a rarity; they are all
puffing harmlessly in their chambers now. But, on the other hand,
I foresee with dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe, to the
destruction of good society, and the abandonment of the ladies. No
wonder they hate it, dear creatures! the pipe is the worst rival a
woman can have, and it is one whose eyes she cannot scratch out;
who improves with age, while she herself declines; who has an art
which no woman possesses, t