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Title: The Clockmaker
       or, The Sayings and Doings of Samuel Slick, of Slickville

Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton

Release Date: June, 2004 [EBook #5817]
[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
[This file was first posted on September 6, 2002]

Edition: 10

Language: English

Character set encoding: ASCII

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CLOCKMAKER ***




This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan with help from
Charles Franks and Distributed Proofers.






The Clockmaker; or
The Sayings and Doings of Samuel Slick, of Slickville,

by Thomas Chandler Haliburton.


   Garrit aniles
   ex re fabellas
      --Horace.

   The cheerful sage, when solemn dictates fail,
   Conceals the moral counsel in a tale.


Halifax, N. S.
1836.


ADVERTISEMENT.

The following Sketches, as far as the twenty-first No.
originally appeared in "THE NOVASCOTIAN" newspaper. The
great popularity they acquired, induced the Editor of
that paper, to apply to the Author for the remaining part
of the series, and permission to publish the whole entire.
This request having been acceded to, the Editor has now
the pleasure of laying them before the public in their
present shape.

Halifax, December, 1836.



CONTENTS.

SLICK'S LETTER
1.  The Trotting Horse
2.  The Clockmaker
3.  The Silent Girls
4.  Conversations at the River Philip
5.  Justice Pettifog
6.  Anecdotes
7.  Go Ahead
8.  The Preacher that Wandered from His Text
9.  Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding
10. The Road to a Woman's Heart--The Broken Heart
11. Cumberland Oysters Produce Melancholy Forebodings
12. The American Eagle
13. The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax
14. Sayings and Doings in Cumberland
15. The Dancing Master Abroad
16. Mr. Slick's Opinion of the British
17. A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade
18. The Grahamite and the Irish Pilot
19. The Clockmaker Quilts a Blue Nose
20. Sister Sall's Courtship
21. Setting up for Governor
22. A Cure for Conceit
23. The Blowin Time
24. Father John O'Shaughnessy
25. Taming a Shrew
26. The Minister's Horn Mug
27. The White Nigger
28. Fire in the Dairy
29. A Body Without a Head
30. A Tale of Bunker's Hill
31. Gulling a Blue Nose
32. Too many Irons in the Fire
33. Windsor and the Far West




SLICK'S LETTER.

[After these sketches had gone through the press, and
were ready for the binder, we sent Mr. Slick a copy; and
shortly afterwards received from him the following letter,
which characteristic communication we give entire--EDITOR.]

To MR. HOWE,

SIR.--I received your letter, and note its contents; I
aint over half pleased, I tell you; I think I have been
used scandalous, that's a fact. It warn't the part of a
gentleman for to go and pump me arter that fashion and
then go right off and blart it out in print. It was a
nasty dirty mean action, and I don't thank you nor the
Squire a bit for it. It will be more nor a thousand
dollars out of my pocket. There's an eend to the Clock
trade now, and a pretty kettle of fish I've made of it,
hav'nt I? I shall never hear the last on it, and. what
am I to say when I go back to the States? I'll take my
oath I never said one half the stuff he has set down
there; and as for that long lochrum about Mr. Everett,
and the Hon. Alden Gobble, and Minister, there aint a
word of truth in it from beginnin to eend. If ever I
come near hand to him agin, I'll larn him--but never
mind, I say nothin. Now there's one thing I don't cleverly
understand. If this here book is my "Sayins and Doins,"
how comes it yourn or the Squire's either? If my thoughts
and notions are my own, how can they be any other folks's?
According to my idee you have no more right to take them,
than you have to take my clocks without payin for 'em.
A man that would be guilty of such an action is no
gentleman, that's flat, and if you don't like it, you
may lump it--for I don't valy him nor you, neither, nor
are a Blue Nose that ever stept in shoe leather the matter
of a pin's head. I don't know as ever I felt so ugly
afore since I was raised; why didn't he put his name to
it, as well as mine? When an article han't the maker's
name and factory on it, it shows its a cheat, and he's
ashamed to own it. If I'm to have the name I'll have the
game, or I'll know the cause why, that's a fact? Now
folks say you are a considerable of a candid man, and
right up and down in your dealins, and do things above
board, handsum--at least so I've hearn tell. That's what
I like; I love to deal with such folks. Now spose you
make me an offer? You'll find me not very difficult to
trade with, and I don't know but I might put off more
than half of the books myself, tu. I'll tell you how I'd
work it. I'd say, "Here's a book they've namesaked arter
me, Sam Slick the Clockmaker, but it tante mine, and I
can't altogether jist say rightly whose it is. Some say
it's the General's, and some say its the Bishop's, and
some say its Howe himself; but I aint availed who it is.
Its a wise child that knows its own father. It wipes up
the Blue Noses considerable hard, and don't let off the
Yankees so very easy neither, but it's generally allowed
to be about the prettiest book ever writ in this country;
and although it aint altogether jist gospel what's in
it, there's some pretty home truths in it, that's a fact.
Whoever wrote it must be a funny feller, too, that's
sartin; for there are some queer stories in it that no
soul could help larfin at, that's a fact. Its about the
wittiest book I ever seed. Its nearly all sold off, but
jist a few copies I've kept for my old customers. The
price is just 5s. 6d. but I'll let you have it for 5s.
because you'll not get another chance to have one." Always
ax a sixpence more than the price, and then bate it, and
when Blue Nose hears that, he thinks he's got a bargain,
and bites directly. I never see one on 'em yet that didn't
fall right into the trap.

Yes, make me an offer, and you and I will trade, I think.
But fair play's a jewel, and I must say I feel ryled and
kinder sore. I han't been used handsum atween you two,
and it don't seem to me that I had ought to be made a
fool on in that book, arter that fashion, for folks to
laugh at, and then be sheered out of the spec. If I am,
somebody had better look out for squalls, I tell you.
I'm as easy as an old glove, but a glove aint an old shoe
to be trod on, and I think a certain person will find
that out afore he is six months older, or else I'm
mistakened, that's all. Hopin to hear from you soon, I
remain yours to command,

SAMUEL SLICK.

Pugnose's Inn, River Philip, Dec. 25,1836.

P.S. I see in the last page it is writ, that the Squire
is to take another journey round the Shore, and back to
Halifax with me next Spring. Well, I did agree with him,
to drive him round the coast, but don't you mind--we'll
understand each other, I guess, afore we start. I concait
he'll rise considerable airly in the mornin, afore he
catches me asleep agin. I'll be wide awake for him next
hitch, that's a fact. I'd a ginn a thousand dollars if
he had only used Campbell's name instead of mine; for he
was a most an almighty villain, and cheated a proper raft
of folks, and then shipped himself off to Botany Bay,
for fear folks would transport him there; you couldnt
rub out Slick, and put in Campbell, could you? that's a
good feller; if you would I'd make it worth your while,
you may depend.




THE CLOCKMAKER




No. I

The Trotting Horse.

I was always well mounted; I am fond of a horse, and
always piqued myself on having the fastest trotter in
the Province. I have made no great progress in the world,
I feel doubly, therefore, the pleasure of not being
surpassed on the road. I never feel so well or so cheerful
as on horseback, for there is something exhilirating in
quick motion; and, old as I am, I feel a pleasure in
making any person whom I meet on the way put his horse
to the full gallop, to keep pace with my trotter. Poor
Ethiope! you recollect him, how he was wont to lay back
his ears on his arched neck, and push away from all
competition. He is done, poor fellow! the spavin spoiled
his speed, and he now roams at large upon 'my farm at
Truro.' Mohawk never failed me till this summer, I pride
myself (you may laugh at such childish weakness in a man
of my age,) but still, I pride myself in taking the
concert out of coxcombs I meet on the road, and on the
ease with which I can leave a fool behind, whose nonsense
disturbs my solitary musings, On my last journey to Fort
Lawrence, as the beautiful view of Colchester had just
opened upon me, and as I was contemplating its richness
and exquisite scenery, a tall thin man, with hollow cheeks
and bright twinkling black eyes, on a good bay horse,
somewhat out of condition, overtook me; and drawing up,
said, I guess you started early this morning, Sir? I did,
Sir, I replied. You did not come from Halifax, I presume,
Sir, did you? in a dialect too rich to be mistaken as
genuine Yankee. And which way may you be travelling?
asked my inquisitive companion. To Fort Lawrence. Ah!
said he, so am I, it is IN MY CIRCUIT. The word CIRCUIT
sounded so professional, I looked again at him, to
ascertain whether I had ever seen him before, or whether
I had met with one of those nameless, but innumerable
limbs of the law, who now flourish in every district of
the Province. There was a keenness about his eye, and an
acuteness of expression, much in favor of the law; but
the dress, and general bearing of the man, made against
the supposition. His was not the coat of a man who can
afford to wear an old coat, nor was it one of 'Tempest
& More's,' that distinguish country lawyers from country
boobies. His clothes were well made, and of good materials,
but looked as if their owner had shrunk a little since
they were made for him; they hung somewhat loose on him.
A large brooch, and some superfluous seals and gold keys,
which ornamented his outward man, looked 'New England'
like. A visit to the States, had perhaps, I thought,
turned this Colchester beau into a Yankee fop. Of what
consequence was it to me who he was--in either case I
had nothing to do with him, and I desired neither his
acquaintance nor his company--still I could not but ask
myself who can this man be? I am not aware, said I,
that there is a court sitting at this time at Cumberland?
Nor am I, said my friend. What then could he have to do
with the circuit? It occurred to me he must be a Methodist
preacher. I looked again, but his appearance again puzzled
me. His attire might do--the colour might be suitable--the
broad brim not out of place; but there was a want of that
staidness of look, that seriousness of countenance, that
expression, in short, so characteristic of the clergy.
I could not account for my idle curiosity--a curiosity
which, in him, I had the moment before viewed both with
suspicion and disgust; but so it was--I felt a desire to
know who he could be who was neither lawyer nor preacher,
and yet talked of his circuit with the gravity of both.
How ridiculous, I thought to myself is this; I will leave
him. Turning towards him, I said, I feared I should be
late for breakfast, and must therefore bid him good
morning. Mohawk felt the pressure of my knees, and away
we went at a slapping pace. I congratulated myself on
conquering my own curiosity, and on avoiding that of my
travelling companion. This, I said to myself, this is
the value of a good horse; I patted his neck--I felt
proud of him. Presently I heard the steps of the unknown's
horse--the clatter increased. Ah, my friend, thought I,
it won't do; you should be well mounted if you desire my
company; I pushed Mohawk faster, faster, faster--to his
best. He outdid himself; he had never trotted so
handsomely--so easily--so well.

I guess that is a pretty considerable smart horse, said
the stranger, as he came beside me, and apparently reined
in, to prevent his horse passing me; there is not, I
reckon, so spry a one on MY CIRCUIT.

CIRCUIT, OR NO CIRCUIT, one thing was settled in my mind;
he was a Yankee, and a very impertinent Yankee, too. I
felt humbled, my pride was hurt, and Mohawk was beaten.
To continue this trotting contest was humiliating; I
yielded, therefore, before the victory was palpable, and
pulled up. Yes, continued he, a horse of pretty considerable
good action, and a pretty fair trotter, too, I guess.
Pride must have a fall--I confess mine was prostrate in
the dust. These words cut me to the heart. What! is it
come to this, poor Mohawk, that you, the admiration of
all but the envious, the great Mohawk, the standard by
which all other horses are measured--trots next to Mohawk,
only yields to Mohawk, looks like Mohawk--that you are,
after all, only a counterfeit, and pronounced by a
straggling Yankee to be merely 'a pretty fair trotter!'
If he was trained, I guess that he might be made do a
little more. Excuse me, but if you divide your weight
between the knee and the stirrup, rather most on the
knee, and rise forward on the saddle, so as to leave a
little daylight between you and it, I hope I may never
ride THIS CIRCUIT AGAIN, if you don't get a mile more an
hour out of him. What! not enough, I mentally groaned,
to have my horse beaten, but I must be told that I don't
know how to ride him; and that, too, by a Yankee--Aye,
there's the rub--a Yankee what? Perhaps a half-bred puppy,
half Yankee, half Blue Nose. As there is no escape, I'll
try to make out my riding master. YOUR CIRCUIT, said I,
my looks expressing all the surprise they were capable
of--your circuit, pray what may that be? Oh, said he,
the eastern circuit--I am on the eastern circuit, sir.
I have heard, said I, feeling that I now had a lawyer to
deal with, that there is a great deal of business on this
circuit--pray, are there many cases of importance? There
is a pretty fair business to be done, at least there has
been, but the cases are of no great value--we do not make
much out of them, we get them up very easy, but they
don't bring much profit. What a beast, thought I, is
this; and what a curse to a country, to have such an
unfeeling pettifogging rascal practising in it--a horse
jockey, too--what a finished character! I'll try him on
that branch of his business.

That is a superior animal you are mounted on, said I--I
seldom meet one that can travel with mine. Yes, said he
coolly, a considerable fair traveller, and most particular
good bottom. I hesitated, this man who talks with such
unblushing effrontery of getting up cases, and making
profit out of them, cannot be offended at the question
--yes, I will put it to him. Do you feel an inclination
to part with him? I never part with a horse sir, that
suits me, said he--I am fond of a horse--I don't like to
ride in the dust after every one I meet, and I allow no
man to pass me but when I choose. Is it possible, I
thought, that he can know me; that he has heard of my
foible, and is quizzing me, or have I this feeling in
common with him. But, continued I, you might supply
yourself again. Not on THIS CIRCUIT, I guess, said he,
nor yet in Campbell's circuit. Campbell's circuit--pray,
sir, what is that? That, said he, is the western--and
Lampton rides the shore circuit; and as for the people
on the shore, they know so little of horses, that Lampton
tells me, a man from Aylesford once sold a hornless ox
there, whose tail he had cut and nicked for a horse of
the Goliath breed. I should think, said I, that Mr.
Lampton must have no lack of cases among such enlightened
clients. Clients, sir, said my friend, Mr. Lampton is
not a lawyer. I beg pardon, I thought you said he rode
the CIRCUIT. We call it a circuit, said the stranger,
who seemed by no means flattered by the mistake--we divide
the Province, as in the Almanack, into circuits, in each
of which we separately carry on our business of
manufacturing and selling clocks. There are few, I guess,
said the Clockmaker, who go upon TICK as much as we do,
who have so little use for lawyers; if attornies could
wind a MAN UP AGAIN, after he has been fairly RUN DOWN,
I guess they'd be a pretty harmless sort of folks. This
explanation restored my good humour, and as I could not
quit my companion, and he did not feel disposed to leave
me, I made up my mind to travel with him to Fort Lawrence,
the limit of HIS CIRCUIT.




No. II

The Clock Maker.

I had heard of Yankee clock pedlars, tin pedlars, and
bible pedlars, especially of him who sold Polyglot Bibles
(ALL IN ENGLISH) to the amount of sixteen thousand pounds.
The house of every substantial farmer had three substantial
ornaments, a wooden clock, a tin reflector, and a Polyglot
Bible. How is it that an American can sell his wares, at
whatever price he pleases, where a Blue Nose would fail
to make a sale at all? I will enquire of the Clockmaker
the secret of his success. What a pity it is, Mr. SLICK,
(for such was his name,) what a pity it is, said I, that
you, who are so successful in teaching these people the
value of CLOCKS, could not also teach them the value of
TIME. I guess, said he, they have got that ring to grow
on their horns yet, which every four year old has in our
country. We reckon hours and minutes to be dollars and
cents. They do nothing in these parts, but eat, drink,
smoke, sleep, ride about, lounge at taverns, make speeches
at temperance meetings, and talk about "House of Assembly."
If a man don't hoe his corn, and he don't get a crop, he
says it is all owing to the Bank; and if he runs into
debt and is sued, why says the lawyers are a curse to
the country. They are a most idle set of folks, I tell
you. But how is it, said I, that you manage to sell such
an immense number of clocks, (which certainly cannot be
called necessary articles,) among a people with whom
there seems to be so great a scarcity of money.

Mr. Slick paused, as if considering the propriety of
answering the question, and looking me in the face, said,
in a confidential tone, Why, I don't care if I do tell
you, for the market is glutted, and I shall quit this
circuit. It is done by a knowledge of SOFT SAWDER and
HUMAN NATUR. But here is Deacon Flint's, said he, I have
but one clock left, and I guess I will sell it to him.
At the gate of a most comfortable looking farm house
stood Deacon Flint, a respectable old man, who had
understood the value of time better than most of his
neighbours, if one might judge from the appearance of
every thing about him. After the usual salutation, an
invitation to "alight" was accepted by Mr. Slick, who
said, he wished to take leave of Mrs. Flint before he
left Colchester. We had hardly entered the house, before
the Clockmaker pointed to the view from the window, and,
addressing himself to me, said, if I was to tell them in
Connecticut, there was such a farm as this away down east
here in Nova Scotia, they would'nt believe me--why there
aint such a location in all New England. The deacon has
a hundred acres of dyke--seventy, said the deacon, only
seventy. Well, seventy; but then there is your fine deep
bottom, why I could run a ramrod into it--Interval, we
call it, said the Deacon, who, though evidently pleased
at this eulogium, seemed to wish the experiment of the
ramrod to be tried in the right place--well interval if
you please, (though Professor Eleazer Cumstick, in his
work on Ohio, calls them bottoms,) is just as good as
dyke. Then there is that water privilege, worth 3 or
$4,000, twice as good as what Governor Cass paid $15,000
for. I wonder, Deacon, you don't put up a carding mill
on it: the same works would carry a turning lathe, a
shingle machine, a circular saw, grind bark, and ----.
Too old, said the Deacon, too old for all those
speculations--old, repeated the clock-maker, not you;
why you are worth half a dozen of the young men we see,
now-a-days, you are young enough to have--here he said
something in a lower tone of voice, which I did not
distinctly hear; but whatever it was, the Deacon was
pleased, he smiled and said he did not think of such
things now. But your beasts, dear me, your beasts must
be put in and have a feed; saying which, he went out to
order them to be taken to the stable. As the old gentleman
closed the door after him, Mr. Slick drew near to me,
and said in an under tone, that is what I call "SOFT
SAWDER." An Englishman would pass that man as a sheep
passes a hog in a pasture, without looking at him; or,
said he, looking rather archly, if he was mounted on a
pretty smart horse, I guess he'd trot away, IF HE COULD.
Now I find--here his lecture on "SOFT SAWDER" was cut
short by the entrance of Mrs. Flint. Jist come to say
good bye, Mrs. Flint. What, have you sold all your
clocks? yes, and very low, too, for money is scarce, and
I wished to close the concarn; no, I am wrong in saying
all, for I have just one left. Neighbor Steel's wife
asked to have the refusal of it, but I guess I won't sell
it; I had but two of them, this one and the feller of
it, that I sold Governor Lincoln. General Green, the
Secretary of State for Maine, said he'd give me 50 dollars
for this here one--it has composition wheels and patent
axles, it is a beautiful article--a real first chop--no
mistake, genuine superfine, but I guess I'll take it
back; and beside, Squire Hawk might think kinder harder,
that I did not give him the offer. Dear me, said Mrs.
Flint, I should like to see it, where is it? It is in a
chest of mine over the way, at Tom Tape's store, I guess
he can ship it on to Eastport. That's a good man, said
Mrs. Flint, jist let's look at it Mr. Slick, willing to
oblige, yielded to these entreaties, and soon produced
the clock--a gawdy, highly varnished, trumpery looking
affair. He placed it on the chimney-piece, where its
beauties were painted out and duly appreciated by Mrs.
Flint, whose admiration was about ending in a proposal,
when Mr. Flint returned from giving his directions about
the care of the horses. The Deacon praised the clock, he
too thought it a handsome one; but the Deacon was a
prudent man, he had a watch, he was sorry, but he had no
occasion for a clock. I guess you're in the wrong furrow
this time, Deacon, it ant for sale, said Mr. Slick; and
if it was, I reckon neighbor Steel's wife would have it,
for she gives me no peace about it. Mrs. Flint said, that
Mr. Steele had enough to do, poor man, to pay his interest,
without buying clocks for his wife. It's no concarn of
mine, said Mr. Slick, as long as he pays me, what he has
to do, but I guess I don't want to sell it, and beside
it comes too high; that clock can't be made at Rhode
Island under 40 dollars. Why it ant possible, said the
Clockmaker, in apparent surprise, looking at his watch,
why as I'm alive it is 4 o'clock, and if I hav'nt been
two hours here--how on airth shall I reach River Philip
to-night? I'll tell you what, Mrs. Flint, I'll leave the
clock in your care till I return on my way to the States
--I'll set it a going and put it to the right time. As
soon as this operation was performed, he delivered the
key to the deacon with a sort of serio-comic injunction
to wind up the clock every Saturday night, which Mrs.
Flint said she would take care should be done, and promised
to remind her husband of it, in case he should chance to
forget it.

That, said the Clockmaker as soon as we were mounted,
that I call 'HUMAN NATUR!' Now that clock is sold for 40
dollars--it cost me just 6 dollars and 50 cents. Mrs.
Flint will never let Mrs. Steel have the refusal--nor
will the deacon learn until I call for the clock, that
having once indulged in the use of a superfluity, how
difficult it is to give it up. We can do without any
article of luxury we have never had, but when once
obtained, it is not 'IN HUMAN NATUR' to surrender it
voluntarily. Of fifteen thousand sold by myself and
partners in this Province, twelve thousand were left in
this manner, and only ten clocks were ever returned--
when we called for them they invariably bought them. We
trust to 'SOFT SAWDER' to get them into the house, and
to 'HUMAN NATUR' that they never come out of it.




No. III

The Silent Girls.

Do you see them are swallows, said the Clockmaker, how
low they fly? Well I presume we shall have rain right
away, and them noisy critters, them gulls how close they
keep to the water, down there in the Shubenacadie; well
that's a sure sign. If we study natur, we don't want no
thermometer. But I guess we shall be in time to get under
cover in a shingle-maker's shed about three miles ahead
on us. We had just reached the deserted hovel when the
rain fell in torrents.

I reckon, said the Clockmaker, as he sat himself down on
a bundle of shingles, I reckon they are bad off for inns
in this country. When a feller is too lazy to work here,
he paints his name over his door, and calls it a tavern,
and as like as not he makes the whole neighbourhood as
lazy as himself--it is about as easy to find a good inn
in Halifax, as it is to find wool on a goat's back. An
inn, to be a good concarn, must be built a purpose, you
can no more make a good tavern out of a common dwelling
house, I expect, than a good coat out of an old pair of
trowsers. They are etarnal lazy, you may depend--now
there might be a grand spec made there, in building a
good Inn and a good Church. What a sacrilegious and
unnatural union, said I, with most unaffected surprise.
Not at all, said Mr. Slick, we build both on speculation
in the States, and make a good deal of profit out of 'em
too, I tell you. We look out a good sightly place, in a
town like Halifax, that is pretty considerably well
peopled, with folks that are good marks; and if there is
no real right down good preacher among them, we build a
handsome Church, touched off like a New-York liner, a
real taking looking thing--and then we look out for a
preacher, a crack man, a regular ten horse power chap
--well, we hire him, and we have to give pretty high
wages too, say twelve hundred or sixteen hundred dollars
a year. We take him at first on trial for a Sabbath or
two, to try his paces, and if he takes with the folks,
if he goes down well, we clinch the bargain, and let and
sell the pews; and, I tell you it pays well and makes a
real good investment. There were few better specs among
us than Inns and Churches, until the Railroads came on
the carpet--as soon as the novelty of the new preacher
wears off, we hire another, and that keeps up the steam.
I trust it will be long, very long, my friend, said I,
ere the rage for speculation introduces "the money changers
into the temple," with us. Mr. Slick looked at me with
a most ineffable expression of pity and surprise. Depend
on it, Sir, said he, with a most philosophical air, this
Province is much behind the intelligence of the age. But
if it is behind us in that respect, it is a long chalk
ahead on us in others.

I never seed or heard tell of a country that had so many
natural privileges as this. Why there are twice as many
harbors and water powers were, as we have all the way
from Eastport to New OrLEENS. They have all they can ax,
and more than they desarve. They have iron, coal, slate,
grindstone, lime, firestone, gypsum, freestone, and a
list as long as an auctioneer's catalogue. But they are
either asleep, or stone blind to them. Their shores are
crowded with fish, and their lands covered with wood. A
government that lays as light on 'em as a down counterpin,
and no taxes. Then look at their dykes. The Lord seems
to have made 'em on purpose for such lazy folks. If you
were to tell the citizens of our country, that these
dykes had been cropped for a hundred years without manure,
they'd say, they guessed you had seen Col. Crookett, the
greatest hand at a flam in our nation. You have heerd
tell of a man who could'nt see London for the houses, I
tell you, if we had this country, you could'nt see the
harbors for the shipping. There'd be a rush of folks to
it, as there is in one of our inns, to the dinner table,
when they sometimes get jammed together in the door-way,
and a man has to take a running leap over their heads,
afore he can get in. A little nigger boy in New York
found a diamond worth 2,000 dollars; well, he sold it to
a watchmaker for 50 cents--the little critter did'nt
know no better. Your people are just like the nigger boy,
they don't know the value of their diamond.

Do you know the reason monkeys are no good? because they
chatter all day long--so do the niggers--and so do the
Blue Noses of Nova Scotia--its all talk and no work; now,
with us its all work and no talk--in our ship yards,
our factories, our mills, and even in our Vessels, there's
no talk--a man can't work and talk too. I guess if you
were at the factories at Lowell we'd show you a wonder
--five hundred galls at work together, all in silence.
I don't think our great country has such a real natural
curiosity as that--I expect the world don't contain the
beat of that; for a woman's tongue goes so slick of
itself, without water power or steam, and moves so easy
on its hinges, that its no easy matter to put a spring
stop on it, I tell you--it comes as natural as drinkin
mint julip.

I don't pretend to say the galls don't nullify the rule,
sometimes at intermission and arter hours, but when they
do, if they don't let go, then its a pity. You have heerd
a school come out, of little boys, Lord its no touch to
it; or a flock of geese at it, they are no more a match
for em than a pony is for a coach-horse. But when they
are at work, all's as still as sleep and no snoring. I
guess we have a right to brag o' that invention--we
trained the dear critters, so they don't think of striking
the minutes and seconds no longer.

Now the folks of Halifax take it all out in talking--
they talk of steamboats, whalers and rail roads--but they
all end where they begin--in talk. I don't think I'd be
out in my latitude, if I was to say they beat the women
kind at that. One feller says, I talk of going to
England--another says, I talk of going to the Country--
while a third says, I talk of going to sleep. If we happen
to speak of such things, we say: 'I'm right off down
East; or I'm away off South,' and away we go, jist like
a streak of lightning.

When we want folks to talk, we pay 'em for it, such as
ministers, lawyers, and members of congress: but then we
expect the use of their tongues, and not their hands;
and when we pay folks to work, we expect the use of their
hands, and not their tongues. I guess work don't come
kind o' natural to the people of this Province, no more
than it does to a full bred horse. I expect they think
they have a little TOO MUCH BLOOD in 'em for work, for
they are near about as proud as they are lazy.

Now the bees know how to sarve out such chaps, for they
have their drones too. Well they reckon its no fun, a
making honey all summer, for these idle critters to eat
all winter--so they give 'em Lynch Law. They have a
regular built mob of citizens, and string up the drones
like the Vixburg gamblers. Their maxim is, and not a bad
one neither I guess, 'no work, no honey.'




No. IV

Conversations at the River Philip.

It was late before we arrived at Pugnose's Inn--the
evening was cool, and a fire was cheering and comfortable.
Mr. Slick declined any share in the bottle of wine, he
said he was dyspeptic; and a glass or two soon convinced
me, that it was likely to produce in me something worse
than dyspepsy. It was speedily removed and we drew up to
the fire. Taking a small penknife from his pocket, he
began to whittle a thin piece of dry wood, which lay on
the hearth; and, after musing some time said, I guess
you've never been in the States. I replied that I had
not, but that before I returned to England I proposed
visiting that country. There, said he, you'll see the
great Daniel Webster--he's a great man, I tell you; King
William, number 4, I guess, would be no match for him as
an orator--he'd talk him out of sight in half an hour.
If he was in your house of Commons, I reckon he'd make
some of your great folks look pretty streaked--he's a
true patriot and statesman, the first in our country,
and a most particular cute Lawyer. There was a Quaker
chap too cute for him once tho'. This Quaker, a pretty
knowin' old shaver, had a cause down to Rhode Island; so
he went to Daniel to hire him to go down and plead his
case for him; so says he, Lawyer Webster what's your fee?
Why, says Daniel, let me see, I have to go down south to
Washington, to plead the great Insurance case of the
Hartford Company--and I've got to be at Cincinnati to
attend the Convention, and I don't see how I can go to
Rhode Island without great loss and great fatigue; it
would cost you may be more than you'd be willing to give.
Well, the Quaker looked pretty white about the gills, I
tell you, when he heard this, for he could not do without
him no how, and he did not like this preliminary talk of
his at all--at last he made bold to ask him the worst of
it, what he would take; why, says Daniel, I always liked
the Quakers, they are a quiet peaceable people who never
go to law if they can help it, and it would be better
for our great country if there were more such people in
it. I never seed or heerd tell of any harm in em except
going the whole figure for Gineral Jackson, and that
everlastin almighty villain, Van Buren; yes, I love the
Quakers, I hope they'll go the Webster ticket yet--and
I'll go for you as low as I can any way afford, say 1,000
dollars. The Quaker well nigh fainted when he heerd this,
but he was pretty deep too: so, says he, Lawyer, that's
a great deal of money, but I have more causes there, if
I give you the 1000 dollars will you plead the other
cases I shall have to give you? Yes, says Daniel, I will
to the best of my humble abilities; so down they went to
Rhode Island, and Daniel tried the case and carried it
for the Quaker. Well, the Quaker he goes round to all
the folks that had suits in court, and says he what will
you give me if I get the great Daniel to plead for you?
It cost me 1000 dollars for a fee, but now he and I are
pretty thick, and as he is on the spot, I'd get him to
plead cheap for you--so he got three hundred dollars from
one, and two from another and so on, until he got eleven
hundred dollars, jist one hundred dollars more than he
gave. Daniel was in a great rage when he heerd this;
what, said he, do you think I would agree to your letting
me out like a horse to hire? Friend Daniel, said the
Quaker, didst thou not undertake to plead all such cases
as I should have to give thee? If thou wilt not stand to
thy agreement, neither will I stand to mine. Daniel
laughed out ready to split his sides at this. Well, says
he, I guess I might as well stand still for you to put
the bridle on this time, for you have fairly pinned me
up in a corner of the fence any how--so he went good
humouredly to work and pleaded them all.

This lazy fellow, Pugnose, continued the Clockmaker; that
keeps this inn, is going to sell off and go to the States;
he says he has to work too hard here; that the markets
are dull, and the winters too long; and he guesses he
can live easier there; I guess he'll find his mistake
afore he has been there long. Why our country aim to be
compared to this, on no account whatever; our country
never made us to be the great nation we are, but we made
the country. How on airth could we, if we were all like
old Pugnose, as lazy as ugly, make that cold thin soil
of New-England produce what it does? Why, Sir, the land
between Boston and Salem would starve a flock of geese;
and yet look at Salem, it has more cash than would buy
Nova Scotia from the King. We rise early, live frugally,
and work late: what we get we take care of. To all this
we add enterprise and intelligence--a feller who finds
work too hard here, had better not go to the States. I
met an Irishman, one Pat Lannigan, last week, who had
just returned from the States; why, says I, Pat, what on
airth brought you back? Bad luck to them, says Pat, if
I warn't properly bit. What do you get a day in Nova
Scotia? says Judge Beler to me. Four shillings, your
Lordship, says I. There are no Lords here, says he, we
are all free. Well, says he, I'll give you as much in
one day as you can earn there in two; I'll give you eight
shillings. Long life to your Lordship, says I. So next
day to it I went with a party of men a-digging a piece
of canal, and if it wasn't a hot day my name is not Pat
Lannigan. Presently I looked up and straightened my
back; says I to a comrade of mine, Mick, says I, I'm very
dry; with that, says the overseer, we don't allow gentlemen
to talk at their work in this country. Faith, I soon
found out for my two days' pay in one, I had to do two
days' work in one, and pay two weeks' board in one, and
at the end of a month, I found myself no better off in
pocket than in Nova Scotia; while the devil a bone in my
body that didn't ache with pain: and as for my nose, it
took to bleeding, and bled day and night entirely. Upon
my soul, Mr. Slick, said he, the poor labourer does not
last long in your country: what with new rum, hard labor,
and hot weather, you'll see the graves of the Irish each
side of the canals, for all the world like two rows of
potatoes in a field that have forgot to come up. It is
a land, Sir, continued the Clockmaker, of hard work. We
have two kind of slaves, the niggers and the white slaves.
All European laborers and blacks, who come out to us, do
our hard bodily work, while we direct it to a profitable
end; neither rich nor poor, high nor low, with us, eat
the bread of idleness. Our whole capital is in active
operation, and our whole population is in active
employment. An idle fellow, like Pugnose, who runs away
to us, is clapt into harness afore he knows where he is,
and is made to work; like a horse that refuses to draw,
he is put into the Team-boat; he finds some before him
and others behind him, HE MUST EITHER DRAW, or be DRAGGED
TO DEATH.




No. V

Justice Pettifog.

In the morning the Clockmaker informed me that a Justice's
Court was to be held that day at Pugnose's Inn, and he
guessed be could do a little business among the country
folks that would be assembled there. Some of them, he
said, owed him for clocks, and it would save him a world
of travelling, to have the Justice and Constable to drive
them up together. If you want a fat wether, there's
nothing like penning up the whole flock in a corner. I
guess, said he, if General Campbell knew what sort of a
man that are magistrate was, he'd disband him pretty
quick: he's a regular suck egg--a disgrace to the country.
I guess if he acted that way in Kentucky, he'd get a
breakfast of cold lead some morning, out of the small
eend of a rifle, he'd find pretty difficult to digest.
They tell me he issues three hundred writs a year, the
cost of which, including that tarnation Constable's fees,
can't amount to nothing less than 3,000 dollars per annum.
If the Hon. Daniel Webster had him afore a jury, I reckon
he'd turn him inside out, and slip him back again, as
quick as an old stocking. He'd paint him to the life, as
plain to be known as the head of Gineral Jackson. He's
jist a fit feller for Lynch law, to be tried, hanged,
and damned, all at once--there's more nor him in the
country--there's some of the breed in every county in
the Province. Jist one or two to do the dirty work, as
we keep niggers, for jobs that would give a white man
the cholera. They ought to pay his passage, as we do with
such critters, tell him his place is taken in the Mail
Coach, and if he is found here after twenty four hours,
they'd make a carpenter's plumb-bob of him, and hang him
outside the church steeple, to try if it was perpendicular.
He almost always gives judgment for plaintiff, and if
the poor defendant has an offset, he makes him sue it,
so that it grinds a grist both ways for him, like the
upper and lower mill stone.

People soon began to assemble, some on foot, and others
on horseback and in waggons--Pugnose's tavern was all
bustle and confusion--Plaintiffs, Defendants, and witnesses,
all talking, quarreling, explaining, and drinking. Here
comes the Squire, said one--I'm thinking his horse carries
more roguery than law, said another; they must have been
in proper want of timber to make a justice of, said a
third, when they took such a crooked stick as that; sap
headed enough too for refuse, said a stout looking farmer;
may be so, said another, but as bard at the heart as a
log of elm; howsomever, said a third, I hope it wont be
long afore he has the wainy edge scored off of him, any
how. Many more such remarks were made, all drawn from
familiar objects, but all expressive of bitterness and
contempt.

He carried one or two large books with him in his gig,
and a considerable roll of papers. As soon as the
obsequious Mr. Pugnose saw him at the door, he assisted
him to alight, ushered him into the "best room," and
desired the constable to attend "the Squire." The crowd
immediately entered, and the Constable opened the Court
in due form, and commanded silence. Taking out a long
list of causes, Mr. Pettifog commenced reading the
names--James Sharp versus John Slug--call John Slug:
John Slug being duly called and not answering, was
defaulted. In this manner he proceeded to default some
20 or 30 persons; at last he came to a cause, William
Hare versus Dennis O'Brien--call Dennis O'Brien--here
I am, said a voice from the other room--here I am, who
has any thing to say to Dennis O'Brien? Make less noise,
sir, said the Justice, or I'll commit you. Commit me, is
it, said Dennis, take care then, Squire, you don't commit
yourself You are sued by William Hare for three pounds
for a month's board and lodging, what have you to say to
it? Say to it, said Dennis, did you ever hear what Tim
Doyle said when be was going to be hanged for stealing
a pig' says he, if the pig had'nt squeeled in the bag
I'd never have been found out, so I would'nt--so I'll
take warning by Tim Doyle's fate, I say nothing, let him
prove it. Here Mr. Hare was called on for his proof,
but taking it for granted that the board would be admitted,
and the defence opened, he was not prepared with proof.
I demand, said Dennis, I demand an unsuit. Here there
was a consultation between the Justice and the Plaintiff,
when the Justice said, I shall not nonsuit him, I shall
continue the cause. What, hang it up till next Court
--you had better hang me up then at once--how can a poor
man come here so often--this may be the entertainment
Pugnose advertises for horses, but by Jacquers, it is no
entertainment for me--I admit then, sooner than come
again, I admit it. You admit you owe him three pounds
then for a month's board? I admit no such thing, I say
I boarded with him a month, and was like Pat Moran's cow
at the end of it, at the lifting, bad luck to him. A
neighbour was here called who proved that the three pounds
might be the usual price. And do you know I taught his
children to write at the school, said Dennis--you might,
answered the witness--and what is that worth? I don't
know--you don't know, faith I believe you're right, said
Dennis, for if the children are half as big rogues as
the father, they might leave writing alone, or they'd be
like to be hanged for forgery. Here Dennis produced his
account for teaching five children, two quarters, at 9
shillings a quarter each, 4 pounds 10s. I am sorry, Mr.
O'Brien, said the Justice, very sorry, but your defence
will not avail you, your account is too large for one
Justice, any sum over three pounds must be sued before
two magistrates--but I only want to offset as much as
will pay the board--it can't be done in this shape, said
the magistrate; I will consult Justice Dolittle, my
neighbour, and if Mr. Hare won't settle with you, I will
sue it for you. Well, said Dennis, all I have to say
is, that there is not so big a rogue as Hare on the whole
river, save and except one scoundrel who shall be nameless,
making a significant and humble bow to the Justice. Here
there was a general laugh throughout the Court--Dennis
retired to the next room to indemnify himself by another
glass of grog, and venting his abuse against Hare and
the Magistrate. Disgusted at the gross partiality of the
Justice, I also quitted the Court, fully concurring in
the opinion, though not in the language, that Dennis was
giving utterance to in the bar room.

Pettifog owed his elevation to his interest at an election.
It is to be hoped that his subsequent merits will be as
promptly rewarded, by his dismissal from a bench which
he disgraces and defiles by his presence.




No. VI

Anecdotes.

As we mounted our horses to proceed to Amherst, groups
of country people were to be seen standing about Pugnose's
inn, talking over the events of the morning, while others
were dispersing to their several homes. A pretty prime
superfine scoundrel, that Pettifog, said the Clockmaker;
he and his constable are well mated, and they've travelled
in the same gear so long together, that they make about
as nice a yoke of rascals, as you'll meet in a day's
ride. They pull together like one rope reeved through
two blocks. That are constable was een almost strangled
t'other day; and if he had'nt had a little grain more
wit than his master, I guess he'd had his wind-pipe
stopped as tight as a bladder. There is an outlaw of a
feller here, for all the world like one of our Kentucky
Squatters, one Bill Smith--a critter that neither fears
man nor devil. Sheriff and constable can make no hand of
him--they can't catch him no how; and if they do come up
with him, he slips through their fingers like an eel:
and then, he goes armed, and he can knock the eye out of
a squirrel with a ball, at fifty yards hand running--a
regular ugly customer. Well, Nabb, the constable, had a
writ agin him, and he was cyphering a good while how he
should catch him; at last he hit on a plan that he thought
was pretty clever, and he scheemed for a chance to try
it. So one day he heard that Bill was up at Pugnose's
Inn, a settling some business, and was likely to be there
all night. Nabb waits till it was considerable late in
the evening, and then he takes his horse and rides down
to the inn, and hitches his beast behind the hay stack.
Then he crawls up to the window and peeps in, and watches
there till Bill should go to bed, thinking the best way
to catch them are sort of animals is to catch them asleep.
Well, he kept Nabb a waiting outside so long, with his
talking and singing, that he well nigh fell asleep fist
himself; at last Bill began to strip for bed. First he
takes out a long pocket pistol, examines the priming,
and lays it down on the table, near the head of the bed.

When Nabb sees this, he begins to creep like all over,
and feel kinder ugly, and rather sick of his job; but
when he seed him jump into bed, and heerd him snore out
a noise like a man driving pigs to market, he plucked up
courage, and thought he might do it easy arter all if he
was to open the door softly, and make one spring on him
afore he could wake. So round he goes, lifts up the latch
of his door as soft as soap, and makes a jump right atop
of him, as he lay on the bed. I guess I got you this
time, said Nabb: I guess so too, said Bill, but I wish
you would'nt lay so plaguy heavy on me--jist turn over,
that's a good fellow, will you? With that Bill lays his
arm on him to raise him up, for he said he was squeezed
as flat as a pancake, and afore Nabb knew where he was,
Bill rolled him right over and was atop of him. Then he
seized him by the throat, and twisted his pipe till his
eyes were, as big as saucers, and his tongue grew six
inches longer, while he kept making faces for all the
world like the pirate that was hanged on Monument Hill
at Boston. It was pretty near over with him, when Nabb
thought of his spurs; so he just curled up both heels,
and drove the spurs right into him; he let him have it
jist below his cruper; as Bill was naked he had a fair
chance, and he ragged him like the leaf of a book cut
open with your finger. At last, Bill could stand it no
longer; he let go his hold and roared like a bull, and
clapping both hands ahind him, he out of the door like
a shot. If it had'nt been for them are spurs, I guess
Bill would have saved the hangman a job of Nabb that
time.

The Clockmaker was an observing man, and communicative.
Nothing escaped his notice; he knew every body's genealogy,
history and means, and like a driver of an English Stage
Coach, was not unwilling to impart what he knew. Do you
see that snug looking house there, said he, with a short
sarce garden afore it, that belongs to Elder Thomson.
The Elder is pretty close fisted, and holds special fast
to all he gets. He is a just man and very pious, but I
have observed when a man becomes near about too good, he
is apt, sometimes, to slip a head into avarice, unless
he looks sharp arter his girths. A friend of mine in
Connecticut, an old sea Captain, who was once let in for
it pretty deep, by a man with a broader brim than common,
said to me, friend Sam, says he, "I don't like those
folks who are too d--n good." There is, I expect, some
truth in it, tho' he need'nt have swore at all, but he
was an awful hand to swear. Howsomever that may be, there
is a story about the Elder, that's not so coarse neither.
It appears, an old Minister came there once, to hold a
meetin at his house--well, after meetin was over, the
Elder took the minister all over his farm, which is pretty
tidy, I tell you; and he shewed him a great Ox he had,
and a swingeing big Pig, that weighed some six or seven
hundred weight, that he was plaguy proud of, but he never
offered the old minister any thing to eat or drink. The
preacher was pretty tired of all this, and seeing no
prospect of being asked to partake with the family, and
tolerably sharp set, he asked one of the boys to fetch
him his horse out of the barn. When he was taking leave
of the Elder, (there were several folks by at the time,)
says he, Elder Thomson, you have a fine farm here, a very
fine farm, indeed; you have a large Ox too, a very large
Ox; and I think, said he, I've seen to-day, (turning and
looking him full in the face, for he intended to hit him
pretty hard,) I think I have seen to-day the greatest
hag I ever saw in my life. The neighbours snickered a
good deal, and the Elder felt pretty streaked. I guess
he'd give his great Pig or his great Ox either, if that
story had'nt got wind.




No. VII

Go Ahead.

When we resumed our conversation, the Clockmaker said,
"I guess we are the greatest nation on the face of the
airth, and the most enlightened too." This was rather
too arrogant to pass unnoticed, and I was about replying,
that whatever doubts there might be on that subject,
there could be none whatever that they were the most
MODEST; when he continued "we go ahead," the Novascotians
go "astarn." Our ships go ahead of the ships of other
folks, our steam boats beat the British in speed, and so
do our stage coaches; and I reckon a real right down New
York trotter might stump the univarse for going "ahead."
But since we introduced the Rail Roads if we don't go
"ahead" its a pity. We never fairly knew what going the
whole hog was till then; we actilly went ahead of ourselves,
and that's no easy matter I tell you. If they only had
edication here, they might learn to do so too, but they
don't know nothin. You undervalue them, said I, they have
their College and Academies, their grammar schools and
primary institutions, and I believe there are few among
them who cannot read and write.

I guess all that's nothin, said he. As for Latin and
Greek, we don't valy it a cent; we teach it, and so
we do painting and music, because the English do, and
we like to go ahead on em, even in them are things. As
for reading, its well enough for them that has nothing
to do, and writing is plaguy apt to bring a man to
States-prison, particularly if he writes his name so
like another man as to have it mistaken for his'n.
Cyphering is the thing--if a man knows how to cypher,
he is sure to grow rich. We are a 'calculating' people,
we all cypher.

A horse that wont go ahead, is apt to run back, and the
more you whip him the faster he goes astarn. That's jist
the way with the Nova Scotians; they have been running back
so fast lately, that they have tumbled over a BANK or two,
and nearly broke their necks; and now they've got up and
shook themselves, they swear their dirty clothes and bloody
noses are all owing to the BANKS. I guess if they wont look
ahead for the future, they'll larn to look behind, and see
if there's a bank near hand em.

A Bear always goes down a tree STARN FOREMOST. He is a
cunning critter, he knows tante safe to carry a heavy
load over his head, and his rump is so heavy, he don't
like to trust it over hisn, for fear it might take a
lurch, and carry him heels over head, to the ground; so
he lets his starn down first, and his head arter. I wish
the Blue Noses would find as good an excuse in their
rumps for running backwards as he has. But the bear
'CYPHERS;' he knows how many pounds his hams weigh, and
he 'CALCULATES' if he carried them up in the air, they
might be top heavy for him.

If we had this Province we'd go to work and 'cypher' right
off. Halifax is nothing without a river or back country;
add nothing to nothing, and I guess you have nothing
still--add a Rail Road to the Bay of Fundy, and how much
do you get? That requires cyphering--it will cost $300,000,
or 75,000 pounds your money--add for notions omitted in
the addition column, one third, and it makes even money
--100,000 pounds. Interest at 5 per cent 5,000 pounds a
year. Now turn over the slate and count up freight--I
make it upwards of 25,000 pounds a year. If I had you at
the desk, I'd shew you a bill of items.

Now comes "SUBTRACTION," deduct cost of engines, wear
and tear, and expenses, and what not, and reduce it for
shortness down to 5,000 pounds a year, the amount of
interest. What figures have you got now? you have an
investment that pays interest, I guess, and if it don't
pay more then I don't know chalk from cheese. But suppose
it don't, and that it only yields two and a half per
cent, (and it requires good cyphering, I tell you, to
say how it would act with folks that like going astarn
better than going ahead,) what would them are wise ones
say then? Why the critters would say it wont pay; but I
say the sum ant half stated. Can you count in your head?
Not to any extent, said I. Well, that's an etarnal pity,
said the Clockmaker, for I should like to show you Yankee
Cyphering. What is the entire real estate of Halifax
worth, at a valeation? I really cannot say. Ah, said he,
I see you don't cypher, and Latin and Greek wont do; them
are people had no rail-roads. Well, find out, and then
only add ten per cent to it, for increased value, and if
it don't give the cost of a rail-road, then my name is
not Sam Slick. Well, the land between Halifax and Ardoise
is worth --- nothing, add 5 per cent to that, and send
the sum to the College, and ax the students how much it
comes to. But when you get into Hants County, I guess
you have land worth coming all the way from Boston to
see. His Royal Highness the King, I guess, hasn't got
the like in his dominions. Well, add 15 per cent to all
them are lands that border on Windsor Basin, and 5 per
cent to what butts on Basin of Mines, and then, what do
you get? A pretty considerable sum I tell you--but its
no use to give you the CHALKS, if you can't keep the
TALLIES. Now we will lay down the schoolmaster's assistant,
and take up another book every bit and grain as good as
that, although these folks affect to sneer at it--I mean
human natur. Ah! said I, a knowledge of that was of
great service to you, certainly, in the sale of your
clock to the old Deacon: let us see how it will assist
you now. What does a clock want that's run down? said
he. Undoubtedly to be wound up, I replied; I guess you've
hit it this time. The folks of Halifax have run down,
and they'll never go to all eternity, till they are wound
up into motion: the works are all good, and it is plaguy
well cased and set--it only wants a KEY. Put this railroad
into operation, and the activity it will inspire into
business, the new life it will give the place, will
surprise you. Its like lifting a child off its crawling,
and putting him on his legs to run--see how the little
critter goes ahead arter that. A kurnel, (I don't mean
a Kurnel of militia, for we don't valy that breed o'
cattle nothing--they do nothing but strut about and
screech all day, like peacocks,) but a kurnel of grain,
when sowed, will stool into several shoots, and each
shoot hear many kurnels, and will multiply itself thus
--4 times 1 is 4, and 4 times 25 is a hundred, (you see
all natur cyphers, except the Blue Noses.) Jist so, this
here rail-road will not perhaps beget other rail-roads,
but it will beget a spirit of enterprise, that will beget
other useful improvements. It will enlarge the sphere
and the means of trade, open new sources of traffic and
supply--develop resources--and what is of more value
perhaps than all--beget motion. It will teach the folks
that go astarn or stand stock still, like the statehouse
in Boston, (though they do say the foundation of that
has moved a little this summer) not only to go "AHEAD,"
BUT TO NULLIFY TIME AND SPACE.

Here his horse (who, feeling the animation of his master,
had been restive of late) set off at a most prodigious
rate of trotting. It was some time before he was reined
up. When I overtook him, the Clockmaker said, "this old
Yankee horse, you see, understands our word 'go ahead'
better nor these Blue Noses."

What is it, he continued, what is it that 'fetters' the
heels of a young country, and hangs like 'a poke' around
its neck? what retards the cultivation of its soil, and
the improvement of its fisheries?--the high price of
labor, I guess. Well, what's a rail-road? The substitution
of mechanical for human and animal labor, on a scale as
grand as our great country. Labor is dear in America,
and cheap in Europe. A rail-road, therefore, is
comparatively no manner of use to them, to what it is to
us--it does wonders there, but it works miracles here.
There it makes the old man younger, but here it makes a
child a giant. To us it is river, bridge, road and canal,
all one. It saves what we han't got to spare, men,
horses, carts, vessels, barges, and what's all in all--time.

Since the creation of the Univarse, I guess it's the
greatest invention, arter man. Now this is what I call
"cyphering" arter human natur, while figures are cyphering
arter "the assistant." These two sorts of cyphering make
idecation--and you may depend on't Squire, there is
nothing like folks cyphering, if they want to "go ahead."




No. VIII

The Preacher that Wandered from His Text.

I guess, said the Clockmaker, we know more of Nova Scotia
than the Blue Noses themselves do. The Yankees see further
ahead than most folks; they can een a most see round
t'other side of a thing; indeed some on them have hurt
their eyes by it, and sometimes I think that's the reason
such a sight of them wear spectacles. The first I ever
heerd tell of Cumberland was from Mr. Everett of Congress;
he know'd as much about it as if he had lived here all
his days, and may be a little grain more. He is a splendid
man that--we class him No. 1, letter A. One night I
chanced to go into General Peep's tavern at Boston, and
who should I see there but the great Mr. Everett, a
studying over a map of the Province of Nova-Scotia. Why
it aint possible! said I--if that aint Professor Everett,
as I am alive! why how do you do, Professor? Pretty well,
I give you thanks, said he; how be you? but I aint no
longer Professor; I gin that up, and also the trade of
Preaching, and took to politics. You don't say so, said
I; why what on airth is the cause o' that? Why, says he,
look here, Mr. Slick. What IS the use of reading the
Proverbs of Solomon to our free and enlightened citizens,
that are every mite and mortal as wise as he was? That
are man undertook to say there was nothing new under the
sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little too fast, if
he was to see our steam boats, rail-roads, and India
rubber shoes--three inventions worth more nor all he knew
put in a heap together. Well, I don't know, said I, but
somehow or another, I guess you'd have found preaching
the best speculation in the long run; them are Unitarians
pay better than Uncle Sam (we call, said the Clockmaker,
the American public Uncle Sam, as you call the British
John Bull.)

That remark seemed to grig him a little; he felt oneasy
like, and walked twice across the room, fifty fathoms
deep in thought: at last he said, which way are you from,
Mr. Slick, this hitch? Why, says I, I've been away up
south a speculating in nutmegs. I hope, says the Professor,
they were a good article, the real right down genuine
thing. No mistake, says I,--no mistake, Professor: they
were all prime, first chop, but why did you ax that are
question? Why, says he, that eternal scoundrel, that
Captain John Allspice of Nahant, he used to trade to
Charleston, and he carried a cargo once there of fifty
barrels of nutmegs: well, he put half a bushel of good
ones into each eend of the barrel, and the rest he filled
up with wooden ones, so like the real thing, no soul
could tell the difference until HE BIT ONE WITH HIS TEETH,
and that he never thought of doing, until he was first
BIT HIMSELF. Well, its been a standing joke with them
southerners agin us ever since. It was only tother day
at Washington, that everlasting Virginy duellist General
Cuffy, afore a number of senators, at the President's
house, said to me, 'Well Everett,' says he--'you know I
was always dead agin your Tariff bill, but I have changed
my mind since your able speech on it; I shall vote for
it now.' 'Give me your hand,' says I, 'General Cuffy;
the Boston folks will be dreadful glad when they hear
your splendid talents are on our side--I think it will
go now--we'll carry it.' 'Yes,' says he, 'your factories
down east beat all natur; they go ahead on the English
a long chalk.' You may depend I was glad to hear the New
Englanders spoken of that way--I felt proud I tell
you--'and,' says he, 'there's one manufacture that might
stump all Europe to produce the like.' 'What's that?'
says I, looking as pleased all the time as a gall that's
tickled. 'Why,' says be, 'the facture of wooden nutmegs;
that's a cap sheef that bangs the bush--its a real Yankee
patent invention.' With that all the gentlemen set up a
laugh, you might have heard away down to Sandy Hook--and
the General gig gobbled like a great turkey cock, the
half nigger, half alligator like looking villain as he
is. I tell you what, Mr. Slick, said the Professor, I
wish with all my heart them are damned nutmegs were in
the bottom of the sea. That was the first oath I ever
heerd him let slip: but he was dreadful ryled, and it
made me feel ugly too, for its awful to hear a minister
swear; and the only match I know for it, is to hear a
regular sneezer of a sinner quote scripture. Says I, Mt.
Everett, that's the fruit that politics bear; for my part
I never seed a good graft on it yet, that bore any thing
good to eat, or easy to digest.

Well, he stood awhile looking down on the carpet, with
his hands behind him, quite taken up a cyphering in his
head, and then he straightened himself up, and he put
his hand upon his heart, just as he used to do in the
pulpit, (he looked pretty I tell you) and slowly lifting
his hand off his breast, he said, 'Mr. Slick, our tree
of liberty was a beautiful tree--a splendid tree--it
was a sight to look at; it was well fenced and well
protected, and it grew so stately and so handsome, that
strangers came from all parts of the globe to see it.
They all allowed it was the most splendid thing in the
world. Well, the mobs have broken in and tore down the
fences, and snapped off the branches, and scattered all
the leaves about, and it looks no better than a gallows
tree.' 'I am afeared,' said he, 'I tremble to think on
it, but I am afeared our ways will no longer be ways of
pleasantness, nor our paths, paths of peace; I am, indeed,
I vow, Mr. Slick.' He looked so streaked and so chop-fallen,
that I felt kinder sorry for him; I actilly thought he'd
a boo-hood right out. So, to turn the conversation, says
I, Professor, what are great map is that I seed you a
studyin' over when I came in? Says he, it's a map of Nova
Scotia. That, says he, is a valuable province, a real
clever province; we hant got the like on it, but its most
plagily in our way. Well, says I, send for Sam Patch
(that are man was a great diver, says the Clockmaker,
and the last dive he took was off the falls of Niagara,
and he was never heerd of agin till tother day, when
Captain Enoch Wentworth, of the Susy Ann Whaler, saw him
in the South Sea. Why, says Capt. Enoch to him, why Sam,
says he, how on airth did you get here? I thought you
was drowned at the Canadian lines. Why, says he, I didn't
get ON airth here at all, but I came right slap THROUGH
it. In that are Niagara dive, I went so everlasting deep,
I thought it was just as short to come up tother side,
so out I came in those parts. If I don't take the shine
off the Sea Serpent, when I get back to Boston, then my
name's not Sam Patch.)

Well, says I, Professor, send for Sam Patch, the diver,
and let him dive down and stick a torpedo in the bottom
of the Province and blow it up; or if that won't do, send
for some of our steam tow boats from our great Eastern
cities, and tow it out to sea; you know there's nothing
our folks can't do, when they once fairly take hold on
a thing in airnest. Well, that made him laugh; he seemed
to forget about the nutmegs, and says he, that's a bright
scheme, but it won't do; we shall want the Province some
day, and I guess we'll buy it of King William; they say
he is over head and ears in debt, and owes nine hundred
millions of pounds starling--we'll buy it, as we did
Florida. In the meantime we must have a canal from Bay
Fundy to Bay Varte, right through Cumberland neck, by
Shittyack, for our fishing vessels to go to Labradore.
I guess you must ax leave first, said I; that's jist what
I was cyphering at, says he, when you came in. I believe
we won't ax them at all, but jist fall to and do it; ITS
A ROAD OF NEEDCESSITY. I once heard Chief Justice Marshall
of Baltimore say; 'If the people's highway is dangerous
--a man may take down a fence--and pass through the fields
as a way of NEEDCESSITY;' and we shall do it on that
principle, as the way round by Isle Sable is dangerous.
I wonder the Novascotians don't do it for their own
convenience. Said I, it would'nt make a bad speculation
that. The critters don't know no better, said he.

Well, says I, the St. John's folks, why don't they? for
they are pretty cute chaps them. They remind me, says
the Professor, of Jim Billings. You knew Jim Billings,
did'nt you, Mr. Slick? Oh yes, said I, I knew him. It
was he that made such a talk by shipping blankets to the
West Indies; the same, says he. Well, I went to see him
the other day at Mrs. Lecain's Boarding House, and says
I, Billings, you have a nice location here. A plaguy
sight too nice, said he. Marm Lecain makes such an etarnal
touss about her carpets, that I have to go along that
everlasting long entry, and down both staircases, to the
street door to spit; and it keeps all the gentlemen a
running with their mouths full all day. I had a real bout
with a New Yorker this morning, I run down to the street
door, and afore I see'd any body a coming, I let go, and
I vow if I did'nt let a chap have it all over his white
waistcoat. Well, he makes a grab at me, and I shuts the
door right to on his wrist, and hooks the door chain
taught and leaves him there, and into Marm Lecain's bed
room like a shot, and hides behind the curtain. Well, he
roared like a bull, till black Lucretia, one of the house
helps, let him go, and they looked into all the gentlemen's
rooms and found nobody--so I got out of that are scrape.
So, what with Marm Lecain's carpets in the house, and
other folks' waistcoats in the street, its too nice a
location for me, I guess, so I shall up killoch and off
to morrow to the TREE-mont.

Now, says the Professor, the St. John's folks are jist
like Billings, fifty cents would have bought him a spit
box, and saved him all them are journeys to the street
door--and a canal at Bay Varte would save the St. John's
folks a voyage all round Nova-Scotia. Why, they can't
get at their own backside settlements, without a voyage
most as long as one to Europe. If we had that are neck
of land in Cumberland, we'd have a ship canal there, and
a town at each end of it as big as Portland. You may
talk of Solomon, said the Professor, but if Solomon in
all his glory was not arrayed like a lily of the field,
neither was he in all his wisdom, equal in knowledge to
a reel free American citizen. Well, said I, Professor,
we are a most enlightened people, that's sartain, but
somehow I don't like to hear you run down King Solomon
neither; perhaps he warnt quite so wise as Uncle Sam,
but then, said I, (drawing close to the Professor, and
whispering in his ear, for fear any folks in the bar room
might hear me,) but then, said I, may be he was every
bit and grain as honest. Says he, Mr. Slick, there are
some folks who think a good deal and say but little, and
they are wise folks; and there are others agin, who blart
right out whatever comes uppermost, and I guess they are
pretty considerable superfine darned fools. And with that
he turned right round, and sat down to his map and never
said another word, lookin' as mad as a hatter the whole
blessed time.




No. IX

Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding.

Did you ever heer tell of Abernethy, a British doctor?
said the Clockmaker. Frequently, said I, he was an eminent
man, and had a most extensive practice. Well, I reckon
he was a vulgar critter that, he replied, he treated the
honble. Aiden Gobble, secretary to our legation at London,
dreadful bad once; and I guess if it had been me he had
used that way, I'd a fixed his flint for him, so that
he'd think twice afore he'd fire such another shot as
that are again. I'd a made him make tracks, I guess, as
quick as a dog does a hog from a potatoe field. He'd a
found his way out of the hole in the fence a plaguy sight
quicker than he came in, I reckon. Hits manner, said I,
was certainly rather unceremonious at times, but he was
so honest, and so straightforward, that no person was,
I believe, ever seriously offended at him. IT WAS HIS
WAY. Then his way was so plague rough, continued the
Clockmaker, that he'd been the better, if it had been
hammered and mauled down smoother. I'd a levelled him as
flat as a flounder. Pray what was his offence? said I.
Bad enough you may depend. The honble. Alden Gobble was
dyspeptic, and he suffered great on easiness arter eatin,
so he gees to Abemethy for advice. What's the matter with
you, said the Doctor? jist that way, without even passing
the time o' day with him--What's the matter with you?
said he. Why, says Alden, I presume I have the Dyspepsy.
Ah! said he, I see; a Yankee swallowed more dollars and
cents than he can digest I am an American citizen, says
Alden, with great dignity, I am Secretary to our Legation
at the Court of St. James. The devil you are, said
Abernethy, then you'll soon get rid of your dyspepsy. I
don't see that are inference, said Alden, it don't follow
from what you predicate at all--it ant a natural
consequence, I guess, that a man should cease to be ill,
because he is called by the voice of a free and enlightened
people to fill an important office. (The truth is, you
could no more trap Alden than you could an Indian. He
could see other folks' trail, and made none himself; he
was a real diplomatist, and I believe our diplomatists
are allowed to be the best in the world.) But I tell you
it does follow, said the Doctor; for in the company you'll
have to keep, you'll have to eat like a Christian. It
was an everlasting pity Alden contradicted him, for he
broke out like one ravin distracted mad. I'll be d--d,
said he, if ever I saw a Yankee that did'nt bolt his food
whole like a Boa Constrictor. How the devil can you
expect to digest food, that you neither take the trouble
to dissect, nor time to masticate? It's no wonder you
lose your teeth, for you never use them; nor your digestion,
for you overload it; nor your saliva, for you expend it
on the carpets, instead of your food. Its disgusting,
its beastly. You Yankees load your stomachs as a Devonshire
man does his cart, as full as it can hold, and as fast
as he can pitch it with a dung fork, and drive off; and
then you complain that such a load of compost is too
heavy for you. Dyspepsy, eh! infernal guzzling, you mean.
I'll tell you what, Mr. Secretary of Legation, take half
the time to eat, that you do to drawl out your words,
chew your food half as much as you do your filthy tobacco,
and you'll be well in a month. I don't understand such
language, said Alden. (for he was fairly ryled, and got
his dander up, and when he shows clear grit, he looks
wicked ugly, I tell you.) I don't understand such language.
Sir: I came here to consult you professionally, and not
to be ---. Don't understand! said the Doctor, why its
plain English: but here, read my book--and he shoved a
book into his hands and left him in an instant, standing
alone in the middle of the room. If the honble. Alden
Gobble had gone right away and demanded his passports,
and returned home with the Legation, in one of our first
class frigates, (I guess the English would as soon see
pyson as one o' them are Serpents) to Washington, the
President and the people would have sustained him in it,
I guess, until an apology was offered for the insult to
the nation. I guess if it had been me, said Mr. Slick,
I'd a headed him afore he slipt out o' the door, and
pinned him up agin the wall, and made him bolt his words
again, as quick as he throw'd 'em up, for I never see'd
an Englishman that didn't cut his words as short as he
does his horse's tail, close up to the stump. It certainly
was very coarse and vulgar language, and I think, said
I, that your Secretary had just cause to be offended at
such an ungentlemanlike attack, although he showed his
good sense in treating it with the contempt it deserved,
It was plaguy lucky for the doctor, I tell you, that he
cut stick as he did, and made himself scarce, for Alden
was an ugly customer; he'd a gin him a proper scalding
--he'd a taken the bristles off his hide, as clean as
the skin of a spring shote of a pig killed at Christmas.
The Clockmaker was evidently excited by his own story,
and to indemnify himself for these remarks on his
countrymen, he indulged for some time in ridiculing the
Nova Scotians.

Do you see that are flock of colts, said he, (as we passed
one of those beautiful prairies that render the vallies
of Nova Scotia so verdant and so fertile,) well, I guess
they keep too much of that are stock. I heerd an Indian
one day ax a tavern keeper for some rum; why, Joe Spawdeeck,
said he, I reckon you have got too much already. Too much
of any thing, said Joe is not good, but too much rum is
jist enough. I guess these Blue Noses think so bout their
horses, they are fairly eat up by them, out of house and
home, and they are no good neither. They beant good saddle
horses, and they beant good draft beasts--they are jist
neither one thing nor tother. They are like the drink of
our Connecticut folks. At mowing time they use molasses
and water, nasty stuff only fit to catch flies--it spiles
good water and makes bad beer. No wonder the folks are
poor. Look at them are great dykes; well, they all go to
feed horses; and look at their grain fields on the upland;
well, they are all sowed with oats to feed horses, and
they buy their bread from us: so we feed the asses, and
they feed the horses. If I had them critters on that are
marsh, on a location of mine, I'd jist take my rifle and
shoot every one on them; the nasty yo necked, cat hammed,
heavy headed, flat eared, crooked shanked, long legged,
narrow chested, good for nothin brutes; they aint worth
their keep one winter. I vow, I wish one of these Blue
Noses, with his go-to-meetin clothes on, coat tails pinned
up behind like a leather blind of a Shay, an old spur on
one heel, and a pipe stuck through his hat band, mounted
on one of these limber timbered critters, that moves its
hind legs like a hen scratchin gravel, was sot down in
Broadway, in New York, for a sight. Lord! I think I hear
the West Point cadets a larfin at him. Who brought that
are scare-crow out of standin corn and stuck him here?
I guess that are citizen came from away down east out of
the Notch of the White Mountains. Here comes the Cholera
doctor, from Canada--not from Canada, I guess, neither,
for he don't LOOK AS IF HE HAD EVER BEEN AMONG THE RAPIDS.
If they would'nt poke fun at him its a pity. If they'd
keep less horses, and more sheep, they'd have food and
clothing, too, instead of buying both. I vow I've larfed
afore now till I have fairly wet myself a cryin, to see
one of these folks catch a horse: may be he has to go
two or three miles of an arrand. Well, down he goes on
the dyke with a bridle in one hand, and an old tin pan
in another, full of oats, to catch his beast. First he
goes to one flock of horses, and then to another, to see
if he can find his own critter. At last he gets sight on
him, and goes softly up to him, shakin of his oats, and
a coaxin him, and jist as he goes to put his hand upon
him, away he starts all head and tail, and the rest with
him: that starts another flock, and they set a third
off, and at last every troop on 'em goes, as if Old Nick
was arter them, till they amount to two or three hundred
in a drove. Well, he chases them clear across the Tantramer
marsh, seven miles good, over ditches, creeks, mire holes,
and flag ponds, and then they turn and take a fair chase
for it back again seven miles more. By this time, I
presume, they are all pretty considerably well tired,
and Blue Nose, he goes and gets up all the men folks in
the neighborhood, and catches his beast, as they do a
moose arter he is fairly run down; so he runs fourteen
miles, to ride two, because he is in a tarnation hurry.
Its e'en a most equal to eatin soup with a fork, when
you are short of time. It puts me in mind of catching
birds by sprinkling salt on their tails; its only one
horse a man can ride out of half a dozen, arter all. One
has no shoes, tother has a colt, one arnt broke, another
has a sore back, while a fifth is so etarnal cunnin, all
Cumberland could'nt catch him, till winter drives him up
to the barn for food.

Most of them are dyke marshes have what they call 'HONEY
POTS' in 'em; that is a deep hole all full of squash,
where you can't find no bottom. Well, every now and then,
when a feller goes to look for his horse, he sees his
tail a stickin right out an eend, from one of these honey
pots, and wavin like a head of broom corn; and sometimes
you see two or three trapped there, e'en a most smothered,
everlastin' tired, half swimmin' half wadin, like rats
in a molasses cask. When they find 'em in that are
pickle, they go and get ropes, and tie 'em tight round
their necks, and half hang 'em to make 'em float, and
then haul 'em out. Awful looking critters they be, you
may depend, when they do come out; for all the world like
half drowned kittens--all slinkey--slimey--with their
great long tails glued up like a swab of oakum dipped in
tar. If they don't look foolish its a pity? Well, they
have to nurse these critters all winter, with hot mashes,
warm covering, and what not, and when spring comes, they
mostly die, and if they don't they are never no good
arter. I wish with all my heart half the horses in the
country were barrelled up in these here 'honey pots,'
and then there'd be near about one half too many left
for profit. Jist look at one of these barn yards in the
spring--half a dozen half starved colts, with their hair
lookin a thousand ways for Sunday, and their coats hangin
in tatters, and half a dozen good for nothin old horses,
a crowdin out the cows and sheep.

Can you wonder that people who keep such an unprofitable
stock, come out of the small eend of the horn in the long
run?




No. X

The Road to a Woman's Heart--The Broken Heart.

As we approached the Inn at Amherst, the Clockmaker grew
uneasy. Its pretty well on in the evening, I guess, said
he, and Marm Pugwash is as onsartain in her temper as a
mornin in April; its all sunshine or all clouds with her,
and if she's in one of her tantrums, she'll stretch out
her neck and hiss, like a goose with a flock of goslins.
I wonder what on airth Pugwash was a thinkin on, when he
signed articles of partnership with that are woman; she's
not a bad lookin piece of furniture neither, and its a
proper pity sich a clever woman should carry such a stiff
upper lip--she reminds me of our old minister Joshua
Hopewell's apple trees. The old minister had an orchard
of most particular good fruit, for he was a great hand
at buddin, graftin, and what not, and the orchard (it
was on the south side of the house) stretched right up
to the road. Well, there were some trees hung over the
fence, I never seed such bearers, the apples hung in
ropes, for all the world like strings of onions, and the
fruit was beautiful. Nobody touched the minister's
apples, and when other folks lost theirn from the boys,
hisn always hung there like bait to a hook, but there
never was so much as a nibble at em. So I said to him
one day, Minister, said I, how on airth do you manage to
keep your fruit that's so exposed, when no one else cant
do it nohow. Why, says he, they are dreadful pretty
fruit, ant they? I guess, said I, there ant the like on
em in all Connecticut. Well, says he, I'll tell you the
secret, but you need'nt let on to no one about it. That
are row next the fence, I grafted it myself, I took great
pains to get the right kind, I sent clean up to Roxberry,
and away down to Squaw-neck Creek, (I was afeared he was
agoin to give me day and date for every graft, being a
terrible long-winded man in his stories,) so says I, I
know that, minister, but how do you preserve them? Why
I was a goin to tell you, said he, when you stopped me.
That are outward row I grafted myself with the choicest
kind I could find, and I succeeded. They are beautiful,
but so etarnal sour, no human soul can eat them. Well,
the boys think the old minister's graftin has all succeeded
about as well as that row, and they sarch no farther.
They snicker at my graftin, and I laugh in my sleeve, I
guess, at their penetration.

Now, Marm Pugwash is like the Minister's apples, very
temptin fruit to look at, but desperate sour. If Pugwash
had a watery mouth when be married, I guess its pretty
puckery by this time. However, if she goes to act ugly,
I'll give her a dose of 'soft sawder,' that will take
the frown out of her frontispiece, and make her dial-plate
as smooth as a lick of copal varnish. Its a pity she's
such a kickin devil, too, for she has good points--good
eye--good foot--neat pastern--fine chest--a clean set
of limbs, and carries a good ---. But here we are, now
you'll see what' soft sawder' will do. When we entered
the house, the traveller's room was all in darkness, and
on opening the opposite door into the sitting room, we
found the female part of the family extinguishing the
fire for the night. Mrs. Pugwash had a broom in her hand,
and was in the act (the last act of female housewifery)
of sweeping the hearth. The strong flickering light of
the fire, as it fell upon her tall fine figure and
beautiful face, revealed a creature worthy of the
Clockmaker's comments. Good evening, Marm, said Mr. Slick,
how do you do, and how's Mr. Pugwash? He, said she, why
he's been abed this hour, you don't expect to disturb--him
this time of night I hope. Oh no, said Mr. Stick, certainly
not, and I am sorry to have disturbed you, but we got
detained longer than we expected; I am sorry that --. So
am I, said she, but if Mr. Pugwash will keep an Inn when
he has no occasion to, his family cant expect no rest.
Here the Clockmaker, seeing the storm gathering, stooped
down suddenly, and staring intently, held out his hand
and exclaimed, well if that aint a beautiful child--come
here, my little man and shake hands along with me--well
I declare if that are little feller aint the finest child
I ever seed--what, not abed yet? ah you rogue, where did
you get them are pretty rosy cheeks; stole them from
mamma, eh? Well, I wish my old mother could see that
child, it is such a treat In our country, said he, turning
to me, the children are all as pale as chalk, or as yeller
as an orange. Lord, that are little feller would be a
show in our country--come to me my man. Here the soft
sawder began to operate. Mrs. Pugwash said in a milder
tone than we had yet heard, 'go my dear to the gentleman,
go dear.' Mr. Slick kissed him, asked him if he would go
to the States along with him, told him all the little
girls there would fall in love with him, for they didn't
see such a beautiful face once in a month of Sundays.
Black eyes, let me see, ah mamma's eyes too, and black
hair also; as I am alive, why you are mamma's own boy,
the very image of mamma. Do be seated, gentlemen, said
Mrs. Pugwash--Sally make a fire in the next room. She
ought to be proud of you, he continued. Well, if I live
to return here, I must paint your face, and have it put
on my clocks, and our folks will buy the clocks for the
sake of the face. Did you ever see, said he, again
addressing me, such a likeness between one human and
another, as between this beautiful little boy and his
mother. I am sure you have had no supper, said Mrs.
Pugwash to me; you must be hungry and weary, too--I will
get you a cup of tea. I am sorry to give you so much
trouble, said I. Not the least trouble in the world,
she replied, on the contrary a pleasure. We were then
shown into the next room, where the fire was now blazing
up, but Mr. Slick protested he could not proceed without
the little boy, and lingered behind me to ascertain his
age, and concluded by asking the child if he had any
aunts that looked like mamma.

As the door closed, Mr. Slick said, it's a pity she don't
go well in gear. The difficulty with those critters is
to get them to start, arter that there is no trouble with
them if you don't check 'em too short If you do, they'll
stop again, run back and kick like mad, and then Old Nick
himself would'nt start 'em. Pugwash, I guess, don't
understand the natur of the critter; she'll never go kind
in harness for him. When I see a child, said the Clockmaker,
I always feel safe with these women folk; for I have
always found that the road to a woman's heart lies through
her child.

You seem, said I, to understand the female heart so well,
I make no doubt you are a general favorite among the fair
sex. Any man, he replied, that understands horses, has
a pretty considerable fair knowledge of women, for they
are jist alike in temper, and require the very identical
same treatment. Incourage the timid ones, be gentle and
steady with the fractious, but lather the sulky ones like
blazes. People talk an everlastin sight of nonsense about
wine, women and horses. I've bought and sold 'em all,
I've traded in all of them, and I tell you, there aint
one in a thousand that knows a grain about either on 'em.
You hear folks say, oh, such a man is an ugly grained
critter--he'll break his wife's heart; jist as if a
woman's heart was as brittle as a pipe stalk. The female
heart, as far as my experience goes, is just like a new
India Rubber Shoe; you may pull and pull at it, till it
stretches out a yard long, and then let go, and it will
fly right back to its old shape. Their hearts are made
of stout leather, I tell you; there's a plaguy sight of
wear in 'em, I never knowed but one case of a broken
heart, and that was in tother sex, one Washington Banks.
He was a sneezer. He was tall enough to spit down on the
heads of your grenadiers, and near about high enough to
wade across Charlestown River, and as strong as a tow
boat. I guess he was somewhat less than a foot longer
than the moral law and catechism too. He was a perfect
pictur of a man; you could'nt falt him in no particular;
be was so just a made critter; folks used to run to the
winder when he passed, and say there goes Washington
Banks, beant he lovely? I do believe there was'nt a gall
in the Lowell factories, that warnt in love with him.
Sometimes, at intermission, on Sabbath days, when they
all came out together, (an amasin hansom sight too, near
about a whole congregation of young galls) Banks used to
say, 'I vow, young ladies, I wish I had five hundred arms
to reciprocate one with each of you; but I reckon I have
a heart big enough for you all; its a whapper, you may
depend, and every mite and morsel of it at your service.'
Well, how you do act, Mr. Banks, half a thousand little
clipper clapper tongues would say, all at the same time,
and their dear little eyes sparklin, like so many stars
twinklin of a frosty night.

Well, when I last see'd him, he was all skin and bone,
like a horse turned out to die. He was tetotally defleshed,
a mere walkin skeleton. I am dreadful sorry, says I, to
see you, Banks, lookin so peecked; why you look like a
sick turkey hen, all legs; what on airth ails you? I am
dyin, says he, OF A BROKEN HEART. What, says I, have the
galls been jiltin you? No, no, says he, I beant such a
fool as that neither. Well, says I, have you made a bad
speculation? No, says he, shakin his head, I hope I have
too much clear grit in me to take on so bad for that.
What under the sun, is it, then? said I. Why, says he,
I made a bet the fore part of summer with Leftenant Oby
Knowles, that I could shoulder the best bower of the
Constitution frigate. I won my bet, but the Anchor was
so eternal heavy it broke my heart. Sure enough he did
die that very fall, and he was the only instance I ever
heerd tell of A BROKEN HEART.




No. XI

Cumberland Oysters Produce Melancholy Forebodings.

The 'soft sawder' of the Clockmaker had operated effectually
on the beauty of Amherst, our lovely hostess of Pugwash's
Inn: indeed, I am inclined to think, with Mr. Slick, that
'the road to a woman's heart lies through her child,'
from the effect produced upon her by the praises bestowed
on her infant boy. I was musing on this feminine
susceptibility to flattery, when the door opened, and
Mrs. Pugwash entered, dressed in her sweetest smiles and
her best cap, an auxiliary by no means required by her
charms, which, like an Italian sky, when unclouded, are
unrivalled in splendor. Approaching me, she said, with
an irresistible smile, would you like Mr. ---, (here
there was a pause, a hiatus, evidently intended for me
to fill up with my name; but that no person knows, nor
do I intend they shall; at Medley's Hotel, in Halifax,
I was known as the stranger in No. 1. The attention that
incognito procured for me, the importance it gave me in
the eyes of the master of the house, its lodgers and
servants, is indescribable. It is only great people who
travel incog. State travelling is inconvenient and slow;
the constant weight of form and etiquette oppresses at
once the strength and the spirits. It is pleasant to
travel unobserved, to stand at ease, or exchange the full
suit for the undress coat and fatigue jacket. Wherever
too there is mystery there is importance; there is no
knowing for whom I may be mistaken--but let me once give
my humble cognomen and occupation, and I sink immediately
to my own level, to a plebeian station and a vulgar name:
not even my beautiful hostess, nor my inquisitive friend,
the Clockmaker, who calls me 'Squire,' shall extract that
secret!) Would you like, Mr. ---. Indeed, I would, said
I, Mrs. Pugwash; pray be seated, and tell me what it is.
Would you like a dish of superior Shittyacks for supper?
Indeed I would, said I, again laughing; but pray tell me
what it is? Laws me! said she with a stare, where have
you been all your days, that you never heerd of our
Shittyack Oysters? I thought every body had heerd of
them. I beg pardon, said I, but I understood at Halifax,
that the only Oysters in this part of the world were
found on the shores of Prince Edward Island. Oh! dear
no, said our hostess, they are found all along the coast
from Shittyack, through Bay of Vartes, away up to Ramshag.
The latter we seldom get, though the best; there is no
regular conveyance, and when they do come, they are
generally shelled and in kegs, and never in good order.
I have not had a real good Ramshag in my house these two
years, since Governor Maitland was here; he was amazin
fond of them, and Lawyer Talkemdeaf sent his carriage
there on purpose to procure them fresh for him. Now we
can't GET THEM, but we have the Shittyacks in perfection;
say the word, and they shall be served up immediately.
A good dish and an unexpected dish is most acceptable,
and certainly my American friend and myself did ample
justice to the Oysters, which, if they have not so
classical a name, have quite as good a flavor as their
far famed brethren of Milton. Mr. Slick eat so heartily,
that when he resumed his conversation, he indulged in
the most melancholy forebodings.

Did you see that are nigger, said he, that removed the
Oyster shells? well, he's one of our Chesapickers, one
of General Cuffy's slaves. I wish Admiral Cockburn had
a taken them all off our hands at the same rate. We made
a pretty good sale of them are black cattle, I guess, to
the British; I wish we were well rid of 'em all. THE
BLACKS AND THE WHITES in the States show their teeth and
snarl, they are jist ready to fall to. The PROTESTANTS
and CATHOLICS begin to lay back their ears, and turn tail
for kickin. THE ABOLITIONISTS AND PLANTERS are at it like
two bulls in a pastur. MOB LAW AND LYNCH LAW are working
like yeast in a barrell, and frothing at the bung hole.
NULLIFICATION AND TARIFF are like a charcoal pit, all
covered up, but burning inside, and sending out smoke at
every crack, enough to stifle a horse. GENERAL GOVERNMENT
AND STATE GOVERNMENT every now and then square off and
sparr, and the first blow given will bring a genuine
set-to. SURPLUS REVENUE is another bone of contention;
like a shin of beef thrown among a pack of dogs, it will
set the whole on 'em by the ears. You have heerd tell of
cotton rags dipt in turpentine, hav'nt you, how they
produce combustion? Well, I guess we have the elements
of spontaneous combustion among us in abundance; when it
does break out, if you don't see an eruption of human
gore, worse than Etna lava, then I'm mistaken. There'll
be the very devil to pay, that's a fact. I expect the
blacks will butcher the Southern whites, and the
northerners will have to turn out and butcher them again;
and all this shoot, hang, cut, stab, and burn business
will sweeten our folks' temper, as raw meat does that of
a dog--it fairly makes me sick to think on it. The
explosion may clear the air again, and all be tranquil
once more, but its an even chance if it don't leave us
the three steam boat options, to be blown sky high, to
be scalded to death or drowned. If this sad picture you
have drawn, be indeed true to nature, how does your
country, said I, appear so attractive, as to draw to it
so large a portion of our population? It tante its
attraction, said the Clockmaker, its nothin but its power
of suction; it is a great whirlpool--a great vortex--it
drags all the straw, and chips and floatin sticks, drift
wood and trash into it. The small crafts are sucked in,
and whirl round and round like a squirrel in a cage--
they'll never come out. Bigger ones pass through at
certain times of tide, and can come in and out with good
pilotage, as they do at HELL GATE up the Sound. You
astonish me, said I, beyond measure; both your previous
conversations with me, and the concurrent testimony of
all my friends who have visited the States, give a
different view of it. YOUR FRIENDS! said the Clockmaker,
with such a tone of ineffable contempt, that I felt a
strong inclination to knock him down for his insolence
--your friends! Ensigns and leftenants, I guess, from
the British marchin regiments in the Colonies, that run
over five thousand miles of country in five weeks, on
leave of absence, and then return, lookin as wise as the
monkey that had seen the world. When they get back they
are so chock full of knowledge of the Yankees, that it
runs over of itself, like a Hogshead of molasses rolled
about in hot weather--a white froth and scum bubbles out
of the bung; wishy washy trash they call tours, sketches,
travels, letters, and what not; vapid stuff, jist sweet
enough to catch flies, cockroaches, and half fledged
galls. It puts me in mind of my French. I larnt French
at night school one winter, of our minister, Joshua
Hopewell (he was the most larned man of the age, for he
taught himself een amost every language in Europe); well,
next spring, when I went to Boston, I met a Frenchman,
and I began to jabber away French to him: 'Polly woes a
french say,' says I. I don't understand Yankee yet, says
he. You dont understand! says I, why its French. I guess
you didn't expect to hear such good French, did you, away
down east here? but we speak it real well, and its
generally allowed we speak English, too, better than the
British. Oh, says he, you one very droll Yankee, dat
very good joke, Sare; you talk Indian and call it French.
But, says I, Mister Mount shear; it is French, I vow;
real merchantable, without wainy edge or shakes--all
clear stuff; it will pass survey in any market--its ready
stuck and seasoned. Oh, very like, says he, bowin as
polite as a black waiter at New OrLEENS, very like, only
I never heerd it afore; oh, very good French dat--CLEAR
STUFF, no doubt, but I no understand--its all my fault,
I dare say, Sare.

Thinks I to myself a nod is as good as a wink to a blind
horse, I see how the cat jumps--Minister knows so many
languages he hant been particular enough to keep 'em in
separate parcels and mark 'em on the back, and they've
got mixed, and sure enough I found my French was so
overrun with other sorts, that it was better to loose
the whole crop than to go to weedin, for as fast as I
pulled up any strange seedlin, it would grow right up
agin as quick as wink, if there was the least bit of root
in the world left in the ground, so I left it all rot on
the field. There is no way so good to larn French as to
live among 'em, and if you WANT TO UNDERSTAND US, YOU
MUST LIVE AMONG US, TOO; your Halls, Hamiltons, and De
Rouses, and such critters, what CAN they know of us? Can
a chap catch a likeness flying along a rail road? can he
even see the feature? Old Admiral Anson once axed one of
our folks afore our glorious Revolution, (if the British
had a known us a little grain better at that time, they
would'nt have got whipped like a sack as they did then)
where he came from. From the Chesapeeke, said he. Aye,
aye, said the Admiral, from the West Indies. I guess,
said the Southaner, you may have been clean ROUND THE
WORLD, Admiral, but you have been plaguy LITTLE IN IT,
not to know better nor that I shot a wild goose at River
Philip last year, with the rice of Varginey fresh in his
crops he must have cracked on near about as fast as them
other geese, the British travellers. Which know'd the
most of the country they passed over, do you suppose? I
guess it was much of a muchness--near about six of one
and a half dozen of tother; two eyes aint much better
than one, if they are both blind.

No, if you want to know all about us and the Blue Noses
(a pretty considerable share of Yankee blood in them too,
I tell you; the old stock comes from New England, and
the breed is tolerable pure yet, near about one half
apple sarce, and tother half molasses, all except to the
Easterd, where there is a cross of the Scotch,) jist ax
me and I'll tell you candidly. I'm not one of them that
can't see no good points in my neighbor's critter, and
no bad ones in my own; I've seen too much of the world
for that, I guess. Indeed, in a general way, I praise
other folks' beasts, and keep dark about my own. Says I,
when I meet Blue Nose mounted, that's a real smart horse
of yourn, put him out, I guess he'll trot like mad. Well,
he lets him have the spur, and the critter does his best,
and then I pass him like a streak of lightning with mine.
The feller looks all taken aback at that. Why, says he,
that's a real clipper of yourn, I vow. Middlin, says I,
(quite cool, as if I had heard that are same thing a
thousand times,) he's good enough for me, jist a fair
trotter, and nothin to brag of. That goes near about as
far agin in a general way, as a crackin and a boastin
does. Never TELL folks you can go a head on 'em, but DO
it; it spares a great deal of talk, and helps them to
save their breath to cool their broth. No, if you want
to know the inns and the outs of the Yankees--I've wintered
them and summered them; I know all their points, shape,
make and breed; I've tried 'em alongside of other folks,
and I know where they fall short, where they mate 'em,
and where they have the advantage, about as well as some
who think they know a plaguy sight more. It tante them
that stare the most, that see the best always, I guess.
Our folks have their faults, and I know them, (I warnt
born blind, I reckon,) but your friends, the tour writers,
are a little grain too hard on us. Our old nigger wench
had several dirty, ugly lookin children, and was proper
cross to 'em. Mother used to say, 'Juno, its better never
to wipe a child's nose at all, I guess, than to wring it
off.'




No. XII

The American Eagle.

Jist look out of the door, said the Clockmaker, and see
what a beautiful night it is, how calm, how still, how
clear it is, beant it lovely?--I like to look up at them
are stars, when I am away from home, they put me in mind
of our national flag, and it is generally allowed to be
the first flag in the univarse now. The British can whip
all the world, and we can whip the British. Its near
about the prettiest sight I know of, is one of our first
class Frigates, manned with our free and enlightened
citizens all ready for sea; it is like the great American
Eagle, on its perch, balancing itself for a start on the
broad expanse of blue sky, afeared of nothin of its kind,
and president of all it surveys. It was a good emblem
that we chose, warn't it? There was no evading so direct,
and at the same time, so conceited an appeal as this.
Certainly, said I, the emblem was well chosen. I was
particularly struck with it on observing the device on
your naval buttons during the last war--an eagle with an
anchor in its claws. That was a natural idea, taken from
an ordinary occurrence: a bird purloining the anchor of
a frigate--an article so useful and necessary for the
food of its young. It was well chosen, and exhibited
great taste and judgment in the artist. The emblem is
more appropriate than you are aware of--boasting of what
you cannot perform--grasping at what you cannot attain
--an emblem of arrogance and weakness--of ill-directed
ambition and vulgar pretension. Its a common phrase, said
he, (with great composure) among seamen, to say 'damn
your buttons,' and I guess its natural for you to say so
of the buttons of our navals; I guess you have a right
to that are oath. Its a sore subject, that, I reckon,
and I believe I hadn't ought to have spoken of it to you
at all. Brag is a good dog, but hold fast is a better
one. He was evidently annoyed, and with his usual
dexterity gave vent to his feelings, by a sally upon the
Blue Noses, who he says are a cross of English and Yankee,
and therefore first cousins to us both. Perhaps, said
he, that are Eagle might with more propriety have been
taken off as perched on an anchor, instead of holding it
in his claws, and I think it would have been more nateral;
but I suppose it was some stupid foreign artist that made
that are blunder, I never seed one yet that was equal to
ourn. If that Eagle is represented as trying what HE
CAN'T DO, its an honorable ambition arter all, but these
Blue Noses wont try what THEY CAN DO. They put me in mind
of a great big hulk of a horse in a cart, that wont put
his shoulder to the collar at all for all the lambastin
in the world, but turns his head round and looks at you,
as much as to say, 'what an everlastin heavy thing an
empty cart is, isnt it?' An Owl should be their emblem,
and the motto, 'He sleeps all the days of his life.' The
whole country is like this night; beautiful to look at,
but silent as the grave--still as death, asleep, becalmed.
If the sea was always calm, said he, it would pyson the
univarse; no soul could breathe the air, it would be so
uncommon bad. Stagnant water is always unpleasant, bat
salt water when it gets tainted beats all natur; motion
keeps it sweet and wholesome, and that our minister used
to say is one of the 'wonders of the great deep.' This
province is stagnant; it tante deep like still water
neither, for its shaller enough, gracious knows, but it
is motionless, noiseless, lifeless. If you have ever been
to sea, in a calm, you'd know what a plaguy tiresome
thing it is for a man that's in a hurry. An everlastin
flappin of the sails, and a creakin of the boombs, and
an onsteady pitchin of the ship, and folks lyin about
dozin away their time, and the sea a heavin a long heavy
swell, like the breathin of the chist of some great
monster asleep. A passenger wonders the sailors are so
plagy easy about it, and he goes a lookin out east, and
a spyin out west, to see if there's any chance of a
breeze, and says to himself 'Well, if this aint dull
music its a pity.' Then how streaked he feels when he
sees a steamboat a clippin it by him like mad, and the
folks on board pokin fun at him, and askin him if he has
any word to send to home. Well, he says, if any soul ever
catches me on board a sail vessel again, when I can go
by steam, I'll give him leave to tell me of it, that's
a fact. That's partly the case here. They are becalmed,
and they see us going a head on them, till we are een
amost out of sight; yet they hant got a steamboat, and
they hant got a rail road; indeed, I doubt if one half
on em ever see'd or heerd tell of one or tother of them.
I never see'd any folks like 'em except the Indians, and
they wont even so much as look--they hav'nt the least
morsel of curiosity in the world; from which one of our
Unitarian preachers (they are dreadful hands at DOUBTIN
them. I don't DOUBT but some day or another, they will
DOUBT whether every thing aint a DOUBT) in a very learned
work, doubts whether they were ever descended from Eve
at all. Old marm Eve's children, he says, are all lost,
it is said, in consequence of TOO MUCH curiosity, while
these copper colored folks are lost from havin TOO LITTLE
little. How can they be the same? Thinks I, that may be
logic, old Dubersome, but it ant sense, don't extremes
meet? Now these Blue Noses have no motion in 'em, no
enterprise, no spirit, and if any critter shows any
symptoms of activity, they say he is a man of no judgment,
he's speculative, he's a schemer, in short he's mad. They
vegitate like a lettuce plant in sarse garden, they grow
tall and, spindlin, run to seed right off, grow as bitter
as gaul and die.

A gall once came to our minister to hire as a house help;
says she, minister, I suppose you don't want a young lady
to do chamber business and breed worms do you? For I've
half a mind to take a spell of livin out (she meant, said
the Clockmaker, house work and rearing silk worms.) My
pretty maiden, says he, a pattin her on the cheek, (for
I've often observed old men always talk kinder pleasant
to young women,) my pretty maiden where was you brought
up? why, says she I guess I warnt brought up at all, I
growed up; under what platform, says he, (for he was very
particular that all his house helps should go to his
meetin,) under what Church platform? Church platform,
says she, with a toss of her bead, like a young colt
that's got a check of the curb, I guess I warnt raised
under a platform at all, but in as good a house as yourn,
grand as you be--you said well said the old minister,
quite shocked, when you said you growed up, dear, for
you have grown up in great ignorance. Then I guess you
had better get a lady that knows more than me, says she,
that's flat. I reckon I am every bit and grain as good
as you be--If I don't understand a bum-byx (silk worm)
both feedin, breedin, and rearin, then I want to know
who does, that's all; church platform indeed, says she,
I guess you were raised under a glass frame in March,
and transplanted on Independence day, warnt you? And off
she sot, lookin as scorney as a London lady, and leavin
the poor minister standin starin like a stuck pig. Well,
well, says he, a liftin up both hands, and turnin up the
whites of his eyes like a duck in thunder, if that don't
bang the bush!! It fearly beats sheap shearin arter the
blackberry bushes have got the wool. It does, I vow; them
are the tares them Unitarians sow in our grain fields at
night; I guess they'll ruinate the crops yet, and make
the grounds so everlastin foul; we'll have to pare the
sod and burn it, to kill the roots. Our fathers sowed
the right seed here in the wilderness, and watered it
with their tears, and watched over it with fastin and
prayer, and now its fairly run out, that's a fact, I
snore. Its got choaked up with all sorts of trash in,
natur, I declare. Dear, dear, I vow I never seed the
beat o' that in all my born days.

Now the Blue Noses are like that are gall; they have
grown up, and grown up in ignorance of many things they
had'nt ought not to know; and its as hard to teach grown
up folks as it is to break a six year old horse; and they
do ryle one's temper so--they act so ugly that it tempts
one sometimes to break their confounded necks--its near
about as much trouble as its worth. What remedy is there
for all this supineness, said I; how can these people be
awakened out of their ignorant slothfulness, into active
exertion? The remedy, said Mr, Slick, is at hand--it is
already workin its own cure. They must recede before our
free and enlightened citizens like the Indians; our folks
will buy them out, and they must give place to a more
intelligent and ac-TIVE people. They must go to the lands
of Labrador, or be located back of Canada; they can hold
on there a few years, until the wave of civilization
reaches them, and then they must move again, as the
savages do. It is decreed; I hear the bugle of destiny
a soundin of their retreat, as plain as any thing. Congress
will give them a concession of land, if they petition,
away to Alleghany backside territory, and grant them
relief for a few years; for we are out of debt, and don't
know what to do with our surplus revenue. The only way
to shame them, that I know, would be to sarve them as
Uncle Enoch sarved a neighbor of his in Varginey.

There was a lady that had a plantation near hand to hisn,
and there was only a small river atwixt the two houses,
So that folks could hear each other talk across it. Well,
she was a dreadful cross grained woman, a real catamount,
as savage as a she bear that has cubs, an old farrow
critter, as ugly as sin, and one that both hooked and
kicked too--a most particular onmarciful she devil, that's
a fact. She used to have some of her niggers tied up
every day, and flogged uncommon severe, and their screams
and screeches were horrid--no soul could stand it; nothin
was heerd all day, but OH LORD MISSUS! OH LORD MISSUS!
Enoch was fairly sick of the sound, for he was a tender
hearted man, and says he to her one day, 'Now do marm
find out some other place to give your cattle the cowskin,
for it worries me to hear em take on so dreadful bad--I
cant stand it, I vow; they are flesh and blood as well
as we be, though the meat is a different color' but It
was no good--she jist up and told him to mind his own
business, and she guessed she'd mind hern. He was determined
to shame her out of it; so one mornin after breakfast he
goes into the cane field, and says he to Lavender, one
of the black overseers, 'Muster up the whole gang of
slaves, every soul, and bring 'em down to the whippin
post, the whole stock of them, bulls, cows and calves.
Well, away goes Lavender, and drives up all the niggers.
Now you catch it, says he, you lazy villains; I tole you
so many a time--I tole you Massa he lose all patience
wid you, you good for nothin rascals. I grad, upon my
soul, I werry grad; you mind now what old Lavender say
anoder time. (The black overseers are always the most
cruel, said the Clockmaker; they have no sort of feeling
for their own people.)

Well, when they were gathered there according to orders,
they looked streaked enough you may depend, thinkin they
were going to get it all round, and the wenches they fell
to a cryin, wringin their hands, and boo-hooing like mad.
Lavender was there with his cowskin, grinnin like a chessy
cat, and crackin it about, ready for business. Pick me
out, says Enoch, four that have the loudest voices; hard
matter dat, says Lavender, hard matter dat, Massa, dey
all talk loud, dey all lub talk more better nor work--de
idle villians; better gib 'em all a little tickle, jist
to teach em larf on tother side of de mouth; dat side
bran new, they never use it yet. Do as I order you, Sir,
said Uncle, or I'll have you triced up, you cruel old
rascal you. When they were picked out and sot by themselves,
they hanged their heads, and looked like sheep goin to
the shambles. Now, says Uncle Enoch, my Pickininnies, do
you sing out as loud as Niagara, at the very tip eend of
your voice--

    Dont kill a nigger, pray,
    Let him lib anoder day.
        Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus.

    My back be very sore,
    No stand it any more,
        Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus.

And all the rest of you join chorus, as loud as you can
bawl, 'Oh Lord Missus.' The black rascals understood the
joke real well. They larfed ready to split their sides;
they fairly lay down on the ground, and rolled over and
over with lafter. Well, when they came to the chorus
'Oh Lord Missus,' if they did'nt let go, its a pity. They
made the river ring agin--they were heerd clean out to
sea. All the folks ran out of the Lady's House, to see
what on airth was the matter on Uncle Enoch's plantation
--they thought there was actilly a rebellion there; but
when they listened awhile, and heerd it over and over
again, they took the hint, and returned a larfin in their
sleeves. Says they, Master Enoch Slick, he upsides with
Missus this hitch any how. Uncle never heerd any thing
more of 'Oh Lord Missus' arter that Yes, they ought to
be shamed out of it, those Blue Noses. When reason fails
to convince, there is nothin left but ridicule. If they
have no ambition, apply to their feelings, slap a blister
on their pride, and it will do the business. Its like a
puttin ginger under a horse's tail; it makes him carry
up real handSUM, I tell you. When I was a boy, I was
always late to school: well father's preachin I didn't
mind much, but I never could bear to hear mother say,
'Why Sam, are you actilly up for all day? Well, I hope
your airly risin wont hurt you, I declare. What on airth
is agoin to happen now?' Well, wonders will never cease.
It raised my dander; at last says I, 'Now, mother, don't
say that are any more for gracious sake, for it makes me
feel ugly, and I'll get up as airly as any on you,' and
so I did, and I soon found what's worth knowin in this
life, 'An airly start makes easy stages.'




No. XIII

The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax.

The next morning was warmer than several that had preceded
it. It was one of those uncommonly fine days that
distinguish an American autumn. I guess, said Mr. Slick,
the heat to-day is like a glass of Mint Julip, with a
lump of ice in it, it tastes cool and feels warm--its
real good, I tell you; I love such a day as this dearly.
Its generally allowed the finest weather in the world is
in America--there ant the beat of it to be found anywhere.
He then lighted a cigar, and throwing himself back on
his chair, put both feet out of the window, and sat with
his arms folded, a perfect picture of happiness. You
appear, said I, to have travelled over the whole of this
Province, and to have observed the country and the people
with much attention, pray what is your opinion of the
present state and future prospects of Halifax? If you
will tell me, said he, when the folks there will wake
up, then I can answer you, but they are fast asleep; as
to the Province, its a splendid province, and calculated
to go ahead, it will grow as fast as a Varginey gall,
and they grow so amazin fast, if you put your arm round
one of their necks to kiss them, by the time you're done,
they've grown up into women. It's a pretty Province I
tell you, good above and better below; surface covered
with pastures, meadows, woods, and a nation sight of
water privileges, and under the ground full of mines--it
puts me in mind of the soup at the TREE-mont House. One
day I was a walkin in the Mall, and who should I meet
but Major Bradford, a gentleman from Connecticut, that
traded in calves and pumpkins for the Boston market. Says
he, Slick, where do you get your grub to-day? At General
Peep's tavern, says I; only fit for niggers, says he,
why don't you come to the TREE-mont house, that's the
most splendid thing its generally allowed in all the
world. Why, says I, that's a notch above my mark, I guess
it's too plagy dear for me, I cant afford it no how.
Well, says he, its dear in one sense, but its dog cheap
in another--its a grand place for speculation--there's
so many rich southerners and strangers there that have
more money than wit, that you might do a pretty good
business there, without goin out of the street door. I
made two hundred dollars this mornin in little less than
half no time. There's a Carolina Lawyer there, as rich
as a bank, and says he to me arter breakfast, Major, says
he, I wish I knew where to get a real slapping trotter
of a horse, one that could trot with a flash of lightning
for a mile, and beat it by a whole neck or so. Says I,
my Lord, (for you must know, he says he's the nearest
male heir to a Scotch dormant peerage,) my Lord, says I,
I have one a proper sneezer, a chap that can go ahead of
a rail road steamer, a real natural traveller, one that
can trot with the ball out of the small eend of a rifle,
and never break into a gallop. Says he, Major, I wish
you would'nt give me that are nickname, I dont like it,
(though he looked as tickled all the time as possible,)
I never knew says he a lord that warnt a fool, that's a
fact, and that's the reason I don't go ahead and claim
the title. Well, says I, my Lord I dont know, but somehow
I cant help a thinkin, if you have a good claim, you'd
be more like a fool not to go ahead with it. Well, says
he, Lord or no Lord, let's look at your horse. So away
I went to Joe Brown's livery stable, at tother eend of
the city, and picked out the best trotter he had, and no
great stick to brag on either; says I, Joe Brown what do
you ax for that are horse? Two hundred dollars, says he;
well says I, I will take him out and try him, and if I
like him I will keep him. So I shows our Carolina Lord
the horse, and when he gets on him, says I, dont let him
trot as fast as he can, resarve that for a heat; if folks
find out how everlastin fast he is, they'd be afeared to
stump you for a start. When he returned, he said he liked
the horse amazinly, and axed the price; four hundred
dollars, says I, you cant get nothin special without a
good price, pewter cases never hold good watches; I know
it, says he, the horse is mine. Thinks I to myself,
that's more than ever I could say of him then any how.

Well, I was goin to tell you about the soup--says the
Major its near about dinner time, jist come and see how
you like the location. There was a sight of folks there,
gentlemen and ladies in the public room (I never seed so
many afore except at commencement day,) all ready for a
start, and when the gong sounded, off we sott like a
flock of sheep. Well, if there warnt a jam you may
depend--some one give me a pull, and I near abouts went
heels up over head, so I reached out both hands, and
caught hold of the first thing I could, and what should
it be but a lady's dress--well, as I'm alive, rip went
the frock, and tare goes the petticoat, and when I righted
myself from my beam eends, away they all came home to
me, and there she was, the pretty critter, with all her
upper riggin standin as far as her waist, and nothin left
below but a short linen under garment. If she didn't
scream, its a pity, and the more she screamed the more
folks larfed, for no soul could help larfin, till one of
the waiters folded her up in a table cloth. What an
awkward devil you be, Slick, says the Major, now that
comes of not falling in first, they should have formed
four deep, rear rank in open order, and marched in to
our splendid national air, and filed off to their seats
right and left shoulders forward. I feel kinder sorry,
too, says he, for that are young heifer, but she shewed
a proper pretty leg tho' Slick, didn't she--I guess you
don't often get such a chance as that are. Well I gets
near the Major at table, and afore me stood a china
utensil with two handles, full of soup, about the size
of a foot tub, with a large silver scoop in it, near
about as big as a ladle of a maple sugar kettle. I was
jist about bailing out some soup into my dish, when the
Major said fish it up from the bottom, Slick,--well, sure
enough, I gives it a drag from the bottom, and up come
the fat pieces of turtle, and the thick rich soup, and
a sight of little forced meat balls of the size of sheep's
dung. No soul could tell how good it was--it was near
about as handSUM as father's old genuine particular cider,
and that you could feel tingle clean away down to the
tip eends of your toes. Now, says the Major, I'll give
you, Slick, a new wrinkle on your horn. Folks aint thought
nothin of unless they live at Treemont: its all the go.
Do you dine at Peep's tavern every day, and then off hot
loot to Treemont, and pick your teeth on the street steps
there, and folks will think you dine there. I do it often,
and it saves two dollars a day. Then he put his finger
on his nose, and says he, "MUM IS THE WORD." Now this
Province is jist like that are soup, good enough at top,
but dip down and you have the riches, the coal, the iron
ore, the gypsum, and what not. As for Halifax, its well
enough in itself, though no great shakes neither, a few
sizeable houses, with a proper sight of small ones, like
half a dozen old hens with their broods of young chickens;
but the people, the strange critters, they are all asleep.
They walk in their sleep, and talk in their sleep, and
what they say one day they forget the next, they say they
were dreaming. You know where Governor Campbell lives,
don't you, in a large stone house with a great wall round
it, that looks like a state prison; well, near hand there
is a nasty dirty horrid lookin buryin ground there--its
filled with large grave rats as big as kittens, and the
springs of black water there, go through the chinks of
the rocks and flow into all the wells, and fairly pyson
the folks--its a dismal place, I tell you--I wonder the
air from it don't turn all the silver in the Gineral's
house of a brass color, (and folks say he has four cart
loads of it) its so everlastin bad--its near about as
nosey as a slave ship of niggers. Well you may go there
and shake the folks to all etarnity and you wont wake
em, I guess, and yet there ant much difference atween
their sleep and the folks at Halifax, only they lie still
there and are quiet, and don't walk and talk in their
sleep like them above ground.

Halifax reminds me of a Russian officer I once seed at
Warsaw; he had lost both arms in battle: but I guess I
must tell you first why I went there, cause that will
show you how we speculate. One Sabbath day, after bell
ringin, when most of the women had gone to meetin (for
they were great hands for pretty sarmons, and our Unitarian
ministers all preach poetry, only they leave the ryme
out, it sparkles like perry,) I goes down to East India
wharf to see Captain Zeek Hancock, of Nantucket, to
enquire how oil was, and if it it would bear doing any
thing in; when who should come along but Jabish Green.
Slick, says he, how do you do; isn't this as pretty a
day as you'll see between this and Norfolk; it whips
English weather by a long chalk; and then he looked down
at my watch seals, and looked and looked as if he thought
I'd stole 'em. At last he looks up, and says he, Slick,
I suppose you would'nt go to Warsaw, would you, if it
was made worth your while? Which Warsaw? says I, for I
believe in my heart we have a hundred of them. None of
ourn at all, says he; Warsaw in Poland. Well, I don't
know, says I; what do you call worth while? Six dollars
a day, expenses paid, and a bonus of one thousand dollars,
if speculation turns out well. I am off, says I, whenever
you say go. Tuesday, says he, in the Hamburgh packet.
Now, says he, I'm in a tarnation hurry; I'm goin a
pleasurin to-day in the Custom House Boat, along with
Josiah Bradford's galls down to Nahant. But I'll tell
you what I am at: the Emperor of Russia has ordered the
Poles to cut off their queues on the 1st of January; you
must buy them all up, and ship them off to London for
the wig makers. Human hair is scarce and risin. Lord a
massy! says I, how queer they will look, wont they.
Well, I vow, that's what the sea folks call sailing UNDER
BARE POLES, come true, aint it? I guess it will turn out
a good spec, says he; and a good one it did turn out--
he cleared ten thousand dollars by it. When I was at
Warsaw, as I was a sayin, there was a Russian officer
there who had lost both his arms in battle; a good natured
contented critter, as I een amost ever see'd, and he was
fed with spoons by his neighbors, but arter awhile they
grew tired of it, and I guess he near about starved to
death at last. Now Halifax is like that are SPOONEY, as
I used to call him; it is fed by the outports, and they
begin to have enough to do to feed themselves--it must
larn to live without 'em. They have no river, and no
country about them; let them make a rail road to Minas
Basin, and they will have arms of their own to feed
themselves with. If they don't do it, and do it soon, I
guess they'll get into a decline that no human skill will
cure. They are proper thin now; you can count their ribs
een a most as far as you can see them. The only thing
that will either make or save Halifax, is a rail road
across the country to Bay of Fundy.

It will do to talk of, says one; you'll see it some day
says another; yes, says a third, it will come, but we
are too young yet. Our old minister had a darter, a real
clever lookin gall as you'd see in a day's ride, and she
had two or three offers of marriage from sponsible
men--most particular good specs--but minister always said
'Pho